A habit in a hat

Jesus, now all I want is a cigarette. We have one intense conversation and all I could think was "When can I smoke?" I really do associate comfort and all other emotions with cigarettes. Breaking those habits are going to be really hard. I think once it's been 12 hours the nicotine is out of your system, so I'm good there, but habits take a lifetime to build.

It's just like AA or Weight Watchers, or anything else you do to try and change your life: it's all about changing the underlying behaviors. You have to learn to deal with your emotions in a better, less dopamine-riddled way. You can't just add a substance and feel good for a minute and expect that feeling to never return. It's going to be there until you deal with it, which is why we keep going back for more substances.

So I need to change a lot about me in the coming months. I suppose that's part of my fourth step, now isn't it. I'm on the column where you label what the resentment you have stems from. Is it because it dealt with your fears, stability, security, sex? What did it "threaten," or so that's how I interpret the step.

There's a lot I need to deal with. So how am I going to change? Well, I'm going to try and associate walking with just walking, not smoking. I need to figure out how to get somewhere early and not feel the need to "kill time." I need to still learn how to have fun and not feel awkward without alcohol. I need to get over Adam.