Celibacy is a lie

Ok, so I've been lying (on a blog only I read... weirdo). I haven't been celibate for the whole 6 months. I've had sex. I know, I know; it's not a good thing to go against what your sponsor tells you to do, or not to do, and it's bad to lie to her about what you're doing. But I had sex with someone in AA who doesn't want anyone to know about it because he'd be 13th stepping me. So we haven't done it again, and probably won't.

I don't like being his "dirty little secret," though. It makes me feel gross that he doesn't want to expose his behavior to the light. It's kind of selfish and creepy. I mean, what's the problem? You did it, now accept the consequences. But, of course, I'm not doing that either by lying to my sponsor. Adam does this too by saying, "This never happened" when we lie on the couch together or something. Makes me feel dirty.

I also had sex with someone outside of AA. I know! I'm kind of a slut, but they were both people I know really well, and have had sex with before, so it kind of doesn't count. I just couldn't hold out. I'm a sexual being, and 6 months was just too long of a time. I figure as long as I'm not in a relationship everything is cool.

I don't even have any interest in being in a relationship right now. I get my intimacy from Adam (which is probably bad), and I have too much going on to focus on someone else's happiness. I can't even take care of myself right now, much less someone else. Though I do have a lot of time on my hands to go to lunch or dinner.

Ha! I'm a dumbass

So today is the 20th. My anniversary is on the 27th! That's what I get for being unemployed. I don't even know what day it is! So I've got another week to do it. But I can do it, I know I can.

Today is the day

Today is the day I'm going to quit smoking. I know I said Monday, but I've only got 3 cigarettes left, and it seems silly to go buy another pack when I know I'm quitting. Another pack would take me through Monday, but why not today? Why not start now?

Today is my 6 month sobriety date, and so it will be easier to keep track of when I quit. By May, I'll have a year in sobriety and 6 months without a cigarette. I can make it that far. If I've been able to quit drinking, I think I'll be able to quit smoking.

The problem is: all my crutches will be gone. All the ways I used to deal with my feelings will be void in my life. I won't have something to lean on when I'm stressed. I don't know how that's going to go, but since I'm already stressed, I'll find out soon enough.

6 months

It's been 6 months today since I quit drinking. Adam says I should "drink the Kool-Aid for a while, till I get the hang of everything. I'm not sure I want to go there. I've had a great time in AA, and it's been an interesting ride so far, but I'm not sure I want to get so involved in AA that it becomes my life, even for a time.

6 months. Wow. I never thought I could last this long. Some of it has been hard, like calling my sponsor every day and going to some places with alcohol, but the rest of it has been easier than I thought. I really like meetings, and I like hearing other people's stories about why they quit, or what trouble they got into while drinking.

It's also nice that I feel my bipolar is better. I feel like my meds are working. My head is clear; when I get thoughts of suicide they are easier to make go away. I've been feeling much better.

I'd like to stay sober for another 6 months. I think it's a great thing to be doing.