Love addict?

The title of the article below is "Healthy Sexuality for Co-Dependents." Co-dependency is defined as "is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others."

The article says: "Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love – for others or ourselves."

Sex has never been connected to love for me. Sex for me is a way to get to know people better, to connect to them. It's just something fun to do. I always worry about the other person and if they enjoy it, and Michael always said I get really passive. I'm not a passive person at all, I don't think, but during sex I totally am.

I'm not sure what any of this means, or how to fix it. There's tons of stuff out there about sex and co-dependency, but I just can't weed through it all. I know I don't have an addiction, per se. I guess the best description is a love addict/avoidant person.

In that last article it has a chart, and one of the things a love addict/avoidant does is "Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way." That is totally me. Remember when we were talking about commitment issues? This sounds more like it. I idealize and obsess over the person, and then pull away, often getting angry at the person for no reason whatsoever. Fascinating.

Pheromones and smoke

I've had two people tell me in the past two days (since I quit smoking) that I smell different. And it's not just the absence of smoke, it's different. Which is funny, because they were both men, and women actually have a better sense of smell than men.

But men can smell pheromones better. I think it's because I'm ovulating (you wanted to know that, come on), and my pheromones are probably going crazy right now, and they're not covered by smoke.

So already there's a benefit to not smoking: I smell better, and I smell attractive. I like that. I wonder if I'll be soon able to smell better as well, and be able to smell things I've never smelled before. Maybe I'll be able to smell pheromones without even knowing it. The two guys seem to have really acute senses of smell to be able to identify something like that; to pick it out from other smells.

Celibacy is a lie

Ok, so I've been lying (on a blog only I read... weirdo). I haven't been celibate for the whole 6 months. I've had sex. I know, I know; it's not a good thing to go against what your sponsor tells you to do, or not to do, and it's bad to lie to her about what you're doing. But I had sex with someone in AA who doesn't want anyone to know about it because he'd be 13th stepping me. So we haven't done it again, and probably won't.

I don't like being his "dirty little secret," though. It makes me feel gross that he doesn't want to expose his behavior to the light. It's kind of selfish and creepy. I mean, what's the problem? You did it, now accept the consequences. But, of course, I'm not doing that either by lying to my sponsor. Adam does this too by saying, "This never happened" when we lie on the couch together or something. Makes me feel dirty.

I also had sex with someone outside of AA. I know! I'm kind of a slut, but they were both people I know really well, and have had sex with before, so it kind of doesn't count. I just couldn't hold out. I'm a sexual being, and 6 months was just too long of a time. I figure as long as I'm not in a relationship everything is cool.

I don't even have any interest in being in a relationship right now. I get my intimacy from Adam (which is probably bad), and I have too much going on to focus on someone else's happiness. I can't even take care of myself right now, much less someone else. Though I do have a lot of time on my hands to go to lunch or dinner.

Crazy, crazy for feelin so crazy

Michael and I were talking tonight about our lives, and he said something that explains exactly how I feel: "And nothing feels worse than being safe and secure, and yet, insecure and unsafe."

I have a place to live, in fact, a great place to live, but I feel homeless. I have money coming in, not a lot, but some, and yet I feel like I'm just mooching off the state. I have a resume that's gotten me 8 interviews, but I feel like I have no qualifications. Safe, yet unsafe. Secure, yet insecure.

Everything is just so up in the air. I don't even know anything. I don't know what to talk about! I'm just so lost right now. I'm starting to feel it. I'm starting to feel.... Crazy. Not like I want to drink, but like I want to have sex. I know, that's new, you're thinking, but it's not. I use sex to feel worse about myself when I'm feeling bad, but can't figure it out. I really want to just go out somewhere and find someone to sleep with. Usually I do that by finding a bar and having someone buy me drinks, but that's not going to work. And I can't just Craigslist it, because my dad would know that I left. I'm never going to get laid this way.

But I suppose that's good. I'm not supposed to have sex till my one year is up, and although I've been bad about that, I have only done it twice, and with people I know well. I've been good. Now I don't feel like I want to continue to play this game. I want some of my destructive behaviors back. I don't want to feel good - I want to feel like I feel inside.

I'm still going to quit smoking, Monday, but right now I'm going to substitute sex for a cigarette. Jesus, what the hell am I going to do when cigarettes are gone!?

Sex and candy

Oh, sex. How I miss you so.

One of those things I did to take away my feelings of loneliness, and to punish myself for being a fuck-up, was to have sex with people I wouldn't have had I been sober. Well, that's not true. A lot of those times I was manic as well. See, mania also takes away your inhibitions and gives you a wild sexual energy.

I was talking to Adam when he was here, and I realized something: I've never had sober sex before. My first time, I was high on pot. I did a lot of drugs in every relationship I had in high school, and slept with my best friend (even though I didn't want to), because he was my dealer, too. That happened a lot in high school. Remember, my policy was never to pay for drugs, so I got into relationships with dealers.

During and after college, I only slept with other alcoholics. I hung out at bars and picked up drunk one night stands. I got into a few relationships and even moved in with alcoholics. I've never had sober sex. Not that I can remember.

Towards the end of my drinking, I was blacking out during sex, and was always sure that I had passed out. I asked my ex the other day, and he said no, I never passed out, I was still doing it. Awesome. I've had blackout sex, too.

So now (well, next year), I'll be able to see if I can do it. I've been told I'm good in bed, but I'm sure that had something to do with how drunk I was. I'm not sure I'm any good if I'm feeling nervous. Hopefully it will be a safe place with someone I love. Where I can mess up and laugh at myself.

Danger, Will Robinson

Today at a meeting we read one of the stories from the Big Book (pg. 468) about a Native American woman who turned to prostitution to pay for her alcohol addiction. She was eventually pistol-whipped and left for dead in a field.

I think this is something every woman can identify with. How many times have we used our wiles to get free beers out of men with no intention of ever talking to them again? How many times has a man gotten us drunk? How many times have you put yourself in dangerous situations just to get that next drink?

I know I have. I've lept into the arms of strangers to find that next fix. I've followed them to their homes and cars in the promise of another drink. I've given my body willingly in order to satisfy a quid-pro-quoit.

Here, I'll tell you a story: At this bar I used to hang out in in my hometown, a man walked in one night and pointed at me. "You, come with me," he said. in my drunken state I thought, "Well, he's hot, he's muscular, and he wants me." I literally jumped into his arms and he carried me outside to his car. I went home with him and let him do things a stranger shouldn't be able to do. Seriously, love should be given to those you love, not those you expect to pay you back in booze. We drank all night and into the next morning.

When we woke up, a snowstorm had blanketed the area so thickly that there was no escaping his apartment. I had to check his mail to find out his name. My phone died, my car was miles away, and I was trapped with this body builder.

Anything could have happened! No one knew where I was! There was no escape. I am so eternally lucky to have picked someone who didn't hurt me. I only hurt myself by continuing to drink to ward off the bad feelings welling inside me. Why did I always do this to myself? Why did I give myself without any thought to my pride and welfare? After three days I was able to get back to my car. Everyone was worried about me, and my friends were pissed. And you know what I did? I went back to the bar to drink more and repeat the saga over and over again.

What danger we put ourselves in. As women, we should be more careful. There are people out there who would do us harm (men too, I suppose). And why do we do it? Because we have no inhibitions with alcohol. Because it makes us stupid.

I am grateful I never have to do that again. I can give my love to the person I'm with, and only that person. I can share myself with someone I love. I never have to go back to hating myself so much that I could hand body over to just anyone.