Well, that happened

Adam and I just had a chat (well, this was hours ago, now) and talked a bit about that "thing" between us. He mentioned that I wear my heart on my sleeve and it must be hard for me because he doesn't want to be in love with anyone right now. He also mentioned how he's trying to act in accordance with what comes out of his mouth, and he thinks he's doing an ok job at it. A huh.

Where should we start?

Yes. Yes, it's hard for me. I don't know why, but I still love him and yes, it hurts when he talks about dating other people or whatever. Yes, it's hard to be with him without being with him. But there's a reason it's so hard.

I'm really good at separating out emotions and roles I have to play. I'm perfectly fine just being his friend and caring about him that way. But where it gets muddy, and where I get hurt and confused, is in his behavior. His body language screams be with me, when his voice says I don't want to be with anyone. It's completely a case of saying one thing and doing another, and that's confusing to me, especially since I want to believe what his body language is saying.

But does he know he's doing it? Ah. I was talking to Jennifer and we both agree: if he knows he's doing it then he's cruel and I shouldn't allow someone to treat me like that. If he doesn't know he's doing it then he's got another set of issues, there. I don't know if he just wants that kind of level of intimacy with me but thinks it can remain a friendship like that? Whatever it is, his behavior doesn't respect my feelings, and so I can't let it go on.

So. No more sleeping together, no matter how much I like it. No more staying the night. No more lingering hugs. Can't do it. No more looking at him longingly (he says I do, but God's honest is I usually catch him looking at me and so respond).

As Jennifer says, I need to "deprogram." In any situation like this the easiest thing to do is to make a clean break, but that just can't happen. We've got too much history and I value the friendship too much to throw it away. So, instead, we've just got to change the dynamic. We're friends, and anything that comes close to that line is going to be questioned aloud and stopped. I think once the behavior stops it will be easy for me to stop thinking he does want to be with me, and allow me to move on with just thinking we're friends.

I am capable of this. We'll see what happens when I start to pull back a bit. I don't want anything to ruin our friendship, but this situation is unfair to me and painful. I'm ready for it to change.