Yeah, yeah, I know

I made it to a meeting this morning, thanks to Adam. He had to go to the doc, and so I got dropped off at the club to fend for myself for an hour. Not a bad deal. I ran into a friend there, too. A woman who was sponsored by my old sponsor was there with another woman. She came up to me after the meeting to ask how I was, and to tell me she relapsed over Christmas. To tell the truth, I'm not surprised. She was having a tough go of it, and my old sponsor was only annoying her. "I'm giving her another 90 days and then I'm going to figure it out," she said. I told her to hang in there with the sponsor and to call me if she needed anything. I hope she does. She's unemployed, too, and without a license, so it's tough for her to get around.

The meeting was the fifth step from the 12x12. I should be on my fifth step right now. I've got a finished fourth step just sitting there waiting for a sponsor, but I heard something good this morning. A man said even when he sponsors people he doesn't hear their fifth step. "I think it's best done with a member of the clergy or a therapist. I may have experience being sober, but I'm not trained for when people fall apart."

I had been thinking of doing the fifth with a priest anyway. Before I got sober I "did a fifth step," or like we call it in the church, I went to confession. I was serious about it, and told him everything. All the dirty little secrets only I knew. And though he had a little look of shock, he told me that God forgave me, as long as I wasn't going to go back out and repeat myself. I have never felt the grace of God like I did at that momemnt. I felt light and free! I still remember that feeling to this day, and it's been 2 years or so. Maybe 3.

But I do need to find myself a sponsor. I'm not sure where to look for one. I don't know if the club near me will really be a good hunting ground. It's mostly men, and I seem to be hitting all the old biker guy meetings. I want someone older than me, and so this is a good spot to look, but who knows. Time to get serious about it, I suppose!

Resentments kill

Forgiveness is good for your health. According to researchers, just letting go of the anger and resentment can make a huge difference in your mental and physical health. When you carry all that shit around, you just carry a heavy load on your own shoulders. Being mad at someone or something doesn't hurt that other person, it just hurts you.

That's why step four is so important. Making an inventory of all the people, places, things, and ideas that bug you and make you want to tear your hair out (or drink) helps you look at the things you're carrying around. It's like stopping the cab, pulling over and emptying your suitcase. Sometimes there are things in there you don't need to be carrying anymore.

AA also asks you to pray for others. When someone is being a pain, remember that they are sick, too, and you wouldn't treat a sick person poorly. When you pray for someone, it seems that it's easier to forgive them. So forgiveness is in order.

"Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, condoning or excusing whatever happened. It’s acknowledging hurt and then letting it go, along with the burden of anger and resentment."

So let that burden go. Hop on over to steps four and five and get rid of that shit before it kills you.

My sponsor sometimes pisses me off

I'm beginning to get a resentment against my sponsor. She's not really around much, and likes to cancel appointments. I know she's busy, and I've cut her a lot of slack, but it just seems like every time we're supposed to meet, something comes up in her life. Hm. So I'm beginning to develop a resentment. How do you talk about a resentment against your own sponsor?

I know I could switch sponsors, but I just don't know if I want to fire her just yet. She is a nice person, and has a lot of years of sobriety. She's active in the community, and has a lot of contacts in the fellowship. It seems like she has what I want.

I'm going to have to go over the resentment list with my therapist for step five. She's a nice safe place to do it, and I know she won't judge me. I trust her. Thank God I finally have a good therapist.

Resentment follows me

Letting go of those resentments is the most important step, me thinks. With a resentment still in your heart, you can't really let God in. I read something today that sums it up:

“The moment you start to resent a person, you become his slave. He controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and goodwill, and takes away the pleasure of your work. He ruins your religion and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without his going along. He destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent."

Resentments follow you around, and we all know that resentments are the biggest offender in leading to that next drink. So it's time for me to get them all down on paper so I can eventually let them go. As God wants, he will relieve me of the pain of these resentments and regrets. I can't wait.

How to do your fourth step

"Notice how generalisation is avoided and the single event, the fight, is split up into its component resentments. The first three columns correspond to those in the Big Book. ... Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. To be completely thorough in our inventory the Big Book also tells us that we must be precise. ... We wrote down all the resentments we remember ever having, even if the memory is not painful now, for the Big Book says: 'We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.'"

Like Adam said, leave no stone unturned. Think you're over it? Put it down anyway. Hate that you're still mad about it and embarrassed at your reaction? Put it down. Did something stupid in reaction to someone? Drank over something? Put it down.

This list is your grudge list. Everything that does and has ever pissed you off. My dog sheds all over the damn place, and it makes me crazy. He's on the list. My mom is nuts. She's on the list. My stupid car keeps getting nails in the tires. Construction sites are on the list. Anything and everything goes down there. Writing it down is really cathartic.

We're just focusing on columns one and two right now. Just write down who/what and why. That's it. Easy. So don't be afraid - it feels good to get it down on paper.

And that's the other thing: write it down. I'm writing it on a steno pad, as well as recording the bigger stories here. I'm really using this space as a fifth step.

Keep those defects, for now

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know". Pema Chodron

We humbly ask God to remove our character defects. They are removed whenever He wants them to be, in the order He chooses. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

I really like this quote, and I think it really applies to the steps. We have to remember that we're living on God's terms now, not according to our own will and wants. We may discover our character defects and want them gone now! We might think we can remove them by acting in different manners (which is the right step - do the next right thing), but only God can remove them from our core character.

And they stick around for a reason - often to teach us a lesson in humility. Who among us wants to keep all of their defects? I know so many of them were useful at one time, but aren't anymore, and continue to beat us down. We learn to humble ourselves before God and ask for forgiveness, acceptance, and love.

Sometimes I annoy myself with all the God talk, but it seems really important to have a spiritual program. Mine just happens to be God with a capital G. It's what I know.

That wolf inside

Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. - 12&12, Step 5

Going alone into your dark, deep recesses of the mind is always a dangerous thing. That's why God invented therapists. Sometimes you have to reach in there and grab out the scary stuff and wrestle with it, but you can always take it to other people.

Again, like when Atrayu faces the wolf, he has to take that first step alone and face what he doesn't want to face (like step four). My mom used to always send me out of the room on some errand when this part came on, so it was years before I knew the wolf scene was in the movie. It still scares me! The deep dark places in your mind are frightening.

And that's why we bring everything back to a place of safety. We go in with God on our sides, and come out sharing the experience with others in order to make sense of it all. I think I'll like this step. It'll be hard during step four to find the places where I'm "defective," but nice to get that burden off of my shoulders.

Someone mentioned they did their fifth step with a man on the bus. I think that's hilarious. You will never see that person again, and so it's easier to admit your defects. I think mine will have to be in therapy or even with my sponsor. I need to get a little more comfortable with her first.

It's not that I don't like her, it's just that she's not around a lot. She's hard to pin down, but she's only human. It'll just take me some time to trust her enough with my emotions. But she's got what I want - she's still working her program hard, and comes to troubles only to work them through with the help of others. I want to have that kind of program.

All alone in a big world

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are troubled by loneliness....There was always that mysterious boundary we could not surmount or understand." 12&12 Step 5

Ever feel lonely in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know and love? Sometimes it's really hard to get close to people - to open up. I know a lot of the time people accuse me of being too honest, but I never really share my inner self with a lot of people. There are only one or two people who really know me - really know me - inside and out.

And that's something I need to change. Step 5 is admitting to yourself, HP, and another person your character defects. I'm not there yet, but it's good to think that someone besides my therapist and you people will know my innermost thoughts about myself, and my true character defects.