Does smoking help you stop cutting?

Damn. "...in the long term we found teens who started to smoke reported higher depressive symptoms."

I wonder if I quit smoking if I'll have less depressive symptoms? When I tried to quit earlier, it brought back all those self-harming tendencies, and I just wanted to cut so badly. I thought about this, and looked it up online. Apparently, I'm not the only one for whom smoking depresses the urge to self-harm. I really worry that if I quit smoking again I'll just start cutting instead.

I had a dream last night that everything was going wrong, and I had quit smoking, and there was no way for me to deal with my stress. I mean, I usually would drink, or smoke, or something it away. What could I do to control my emotions without substances? What the hell will I do when shit really happens? Will my meds and the program be enough to sustain me or will I self-harm, or take up smoking again, or something else?

Don't see it, don't eat it

Now, this is interesting: "people ate almost half as many mini-size Halloween candies when they kept the wrappers in plain sight."

I'm such a stickler for throwing things out and keeping my space clean. I wonder if having a reminder that I've just eaten would help me eat less? Maybe keeping my plate around instead of immediately washing it. Or using a plate, in general. Sometimes I eat over the sink, which I know is horrible. I tried tricking myself by only eating in one chair in my house, so that when I sat anywhere else I wouldn't associate it with food. It seemed to work, but there's no place to do that here. There is a dining room table, but it's covered in books, just like all the other available surfaces. I only have this little section of couch.

So maybe I'll start tricking myself again. I feel fat. My friend today said that I look better; I was too skinny last time she saw me. But I felt great! All my clothes hung properly, and I was getting skinny enough for a bikini (which I wore anyway because I felt like it). I hate being obsessed with my weight. It makes me sad.

Halloween is candy time

I love Halloween. I love holidays in general. One of the best parts, or course, is the candy. I love Almond Joys, Twix, and Kit Kats. Kit Kats bring back all sorts of comforting emotions for me and remind me of my grandmother. Apparently someone did a study on Halloween candy and it's takeover of the holiday. She gives her students a Hershey's Kiss and asks them to make associations with them.

"The students are always amazed at how many vivid and emotional memories they have wrapped inside a Hershey kiss -- childhood, holidays, favorite times, grandparents," she says. "This emotional connection is very real."

It's funny what we have wrapped up in food. Emotional eating is a true thing. We eat certain foods for "comfort." Like chicken soup when you're sick, and it reminds you of mom taking care of you when you were a kid. Or those Kit Kats that remind me of my grandmother. These things make us feel good, and so we eat them in excess to try to make ourselves feel better. Viscous cycle.

Take them anyway

Over at Mad Matters today she talked about her meds and how she wonders what they do to your body, and how shitty it is that they make you fat.

I want a body scan. You know those cool things now where it's like an MRI and they can see all of your organs? I wonder what years of drinking, smoking, drugging, and taking medications have done to my insides. My meds all work through my liver, and I was doing a number on my liver all on my own. I'm sure my kidneys aren't happy either, and my lungs are black at this point.

I definitely have the weight gain problems with my meds. Sometimes I dream about being anorexic because I just want to stop having to worry about getting fat, but I suppose that's all anorexics do is worry about getting fat.

I love reading Crazy Meds because they tell you all the fun "you're not going to get these" side effects of your meds. One of the fun ones of Lamictal is the insomnia even though you're tired. Ahh, Lamictal, how you help me blog.

Relapse is for the birds

I worry about relapsing all the time. I have those booze dreams, and they make me worried that maybe alcohol isn't done with me yet. Maybe I have to have some bad consequences before I do this. Maybe I need everyone to see just how much of a fuckup I was before I quit. I don't think anyone believes me that I am an alcoholic. I know, that's silly, but I really don't think they do.

So what qualifies me? Well, the blackouts, the drunk driving, drinking alone, bringing home random guys from bars. Right? Or is this just normal in-your-20s behavior? I suppose none of that is good, but I don't know anyone who did any different, besides the blackouts and the drinking alone.

I worry about relapse. I worry that suddenly I'll just say, "You know, it wasn't that bad." That's why I need this blog. I need to remind myself that it's not worth it to drink. If just on the bare bones level of my meds working better now. It's truly amazing how less depressed I am without booze.

Post Secret

This is so incredibly true, I think. It's painful to get fired. It really deals a big blow to your ego. Thanks Post Secret.

Halloweeny is a great word

I think he's stopped reading this, so here I go.

Tonight was spent doing Halloweeny things with great friends. Adam and I went over to some old friends' house to carve pumpkins and hang about eating bacon flavored popcorn and cupcakes, not bacon flavored. They haven't been hanging out with Adam since he got sober because I think they're afraid to have booze around him. She emailed me ahead of time to see if it was ok with he and I if they had booze at the party. So funny. I told her we love alcohol, so there was no problem there. We carved away and I came out with an avant garde looking reindeer on my pumpkin. Unfortunately, they used to have a cat, which caught up with Adam after a while.

Instead of hitting the haunted forest, we went back to his place so he could take some drugs and get over the catness in his chest. We watched Dexter, and then took a nap. A four hour nap. It's nice to cuddle up to him, or even just be in the same bed. I love the way he smells. I love to be in his arms, even just to hear him sleep. I am so in love with him it's ridiculous.

There's a Joan Jett song, "I hate myself for loving you." I feel like that all the time. I don't know how he feels about me, and that drives me crazy sometimes. What also drives me nuts is this "suggestion" about no relationships for a year. We've known each other 11 years for heaven's sake! It would seem to override any crazy suggestion. But I suppose that's part of teaching me patience. I just have to be patient with him, too, and see how he feels in 7 months, and how I feel, too.