I'm not myself, you see

I'm running out of cigarettes, and I know that if I leave the house to get them that means I'm perfectly capable of leaving the house to go to a meeting. I don't really feel like being around people right now, but I know meetings always make me feel better. What I need to do is finally make it to that dual-diagnosis meeting in the city. It happens every day at 6, which while I'm unemployed would be super easy to make. I need to talk about how crazy I'm feeling.

It really just started last week when I wrote about how I always hated myself. I try not to think of those things. I'm a generally happy person, even in depression I try to put on a happy face. Thinking about how I really feel makes me anxious. It makes me more depressed to think of how depressed I am.

But I'm feeling pretty crazy right now. I can't stop thinking, and typing it out apparently, and my sleep is all messed up. I don't know if I'm up or down.

"I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see."

Kids, kids, everywhere

One of the reasons why I wanted to come home is that everyone has kids now, and I'd like to be more than the auntie that shows up at Christmas and the kid forgets. You know? I'd like to be a part of their lives. I have so many kids in my family now, and I don't have siblings, so I've got to be friends with the next generation somehow.

You know when you're younger and you plan out your life? I thought I would have kids by now. At least 2. And here I am, no boyfriend, no prospects, just getting older and starting to worry about things like that. But of course, should I even have kids if the situation presents itself? Bipolar is not a fun thing, and it's hard to get under control and then sometimes harder to convince yourself to keep it under control. They look like they may be coming up with a genetic test soon, which you all know how I feel about genetic testing.

They say that the highest risk kids for developing mental illnesses have the nature and nurture problems. I've got my bipolar mostly under control, and I'm 99% positive I'd never freak out in front of a kid. I'd just be the kooky mom, but not the crazy one. Also, if your partner had mental illness they, of course, have a higher probability of getting the disease. Like alcoholics, I tend to date depressives. The two can go hand in hand, of course, but I'm sure any kid I have will end up with some sort of mental illness no matter how hard I try.

Do I want to bring a tiny baby into that? Is it fair? Is it fair for me to not be able to have kids because of that? See the things I worry about? Not even on the horizon and I'm scared about it. Dumb.

The Zoo

In the middle of the night I seem to find all sorts of interesting articles to write about, and now in the middle of a slow Sunday I got nothing.

I finally fell asleep and slept until 2 in the afternoon. My family ditched me and went to the Zoo, which I think I'm a little insulted about. I can't believe they didn't even wake me to ask me if I wanted to go. I love the Zoo. But I did need sleep. I'm considering just going back to bed, but I put on regular clothes in hopes that I'll get up the energy to go to a meeting. Maybe I should go for a run, too. Maybe that will make me feel a little less crazy. I really do need to call a psychiatrist. I have one here that I trust, but he's not on my insurance. Maybe I'll call and see how expensive he is without insurance. I'd rather be with someone I trust.

I didn't take my meds cause I got up so late, so I'm sure it's not going to help with the crazy feelings. I have two interviews tomorrow and one on Tuesday, so I need to be normal. My friend yesterday said I was exuding confidence, even radiance, but I think that's because I was with Adam. He brings out the best in me, and I always feel better around him. I try not to feel crazy, and I usually don't.

Psychotic depression?

Interesting. So I looked up having those crazy thoughts and depression at the same time. There were some interesting articles on psychotic depression. Psychotic depression is characterized by anxiety, agitation, insomnia at night but sleeping during the day, hypochondria, irrational thoughts or hallucinations, and constipation. This sounds more like it.

I have been sleeping during the day, but I can't seem to sleep at night. I just take naps all day long and then stay up all night doing God knows what (blogging mostly). I'm crazy anxious and can feel it in all my bones. My shoulders are up around my ears, and I'm nervous about everything. Agitated, even. I'm feeling like I can't be touched, which I hate, except by my dad and Adam. I don't mind them touching me, but everyone else makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I'm a natural hypochondriac (if you couldn't tell from my self-diagnosis), so we've got that covered. And I've been having those irrational thoughts. They say bipolar folks with psychosis often know their thoughts are irrational, unlike schizophrenics who think they are real. I know my dog isn't going to eat my face off, but it sure feels like he might. I know I'm not going to "accidentally" fall off the balcony, but sometimes I feel like it. Like a small wind could pick me up and I would fly. Sometimes I think maybe I could fly. Like I could just spread my arms in a certain way and I would float instead of sink. And the pushing people in front of subway trains and other stuff. That's completely irrational. Perhaps I should print this for my therapist?

Perhaps it's hypomania

I think perhaps I'm hypomanic. I don't fit the mania criteria right now, since I'm not feeling like I'm on top of the world or having grandiose thoughts. But my mind is racing, and I'm feeling less need for sleep. Or at least having a lot of trouble sleeping. I can't seem to stay asleep even when I do go to bed, so it seems silly to go to bed and just lie there and toss and turn.

Hypomania isn't quite as much fun. I think it's really a mixed episode, because I'm feeling depressed, too. I don't know what I feel. Let's think it out here.

I can't sleep. I have a headache (probably from lack of sleep). I'm worried all the time. My mind is racing. I'm worried about things that may never happen at all, just for the fun of worrying. I feel like I hate myself and I'm a piece of shit, but then I tell myself how great I am and how lucky I am. Then again, hypomania is more about grandiose thoughts, goal related activities, and things like that. I am obsessively applying for and checking job sites. It's become an hourly ordeal that I go through. Check job sites, check email for job notices, re-read the postings I applied for, repeat.

At least I'm not irritable. Sometimes I get so damn cranky. I was cranky this afternoon, but I think it was because I hadn't eaten anything in a while. I'm also feeling really anti-social, rather than social, and I don't feel like shopping. I think that's the depression part of the mixed episode. I'm getting some of the psychotic symptoms I get in mania, like when I think my dog is going to bit my face off or I'm going to push someone into traffic. I hate those thoughts. I hate when I feel like doing something totally irrational like that. I would never want to hurt another person, but sometimes the feelings are really strong. Most of the time it's me I want to push in front of a bus, and I have to stand far away from the sidewalk just in case. Jesus, I want another cigarette, but I just went out and the door is so damn loud.

You're constantly rewiring

Now this is fascinating:

...severe stress and adverse life events, such as losing a job or family member, prompt neurobiological processes that physically alter the brain. Neurons change shape and connections. Some die, but others sprout as the brain rewires itself. This neural remodeling employs basic wound-healing mechanisms, which means it can be painful and occasionally incapacitating, even when it's going well.

"It's necessary and normal so that an individual can adapt, change behavior and deal with altered circumstances," Markou said. Real problems occur only "when these restructuring processes go into overdrive, beyond what is necessary and adaptive, and for longer periods of time than needed. Then depression becomes pathological."

So your brain tries to repair itself after stressful events, and that just leads to it changing it's neural pathways. But when that goes haywire, it leads to a chronic condition. I suppose repeated stressors can cause it to wire itself to depression. I know I had a lot of stress as a kid; I was just born a stress case, I think; and so maybe my brain is just wired this way now.

With these additional stressful events happening in my life, maybe my brain is rewiring again for more depression? That's why I wanted to find a therapist as soon as possible when I got here. I didn't want to fall into a depression unaided. But I think I might be getting manic instead. I can't sleep (obviously), and I'm just feeling kinda off. My psych doc said she would only give me 2 months prescription for my meds because I'm "not stable yet," so she wanted me to find someone as soon as possible. Perhaps it's time to call the psych docs in the area and set up an appointment.

Would you quit?

Would higher cigarette prices get you to stop smoking? Apparently they did a study on higher prices and taxes on cigarettes and found that people who have alcohol, drug, and mental disorders were more likely to quit when the price went up. That doesn't make any sense to me. This is the group that's most committed to smoking, I would think. I mean, booze and smokes go hand in hand. But I suppose the more bars that ban smoking the more that will change.

Higher prices didn't make me quit, it just made me find neighboring cities where the taxes were lower. It was $6 in my town, and $8 in the town I worked in. Here, it's only $5, so I feel like every pack is a bargain. I love being in a tobacco producing state.

I hate it, but I love smoking. I mean, I hate smoking: it smells, I feel self-conscious around people who don't smoke, I have to sneak around. But I love smoking: it relaxes me (despite what the studies say), it gets me out of social situations when I start to get anxious, I meet more people who are also hiding. It's social and anti-social all at the same time.