Once an addict...

“Caffeine-induced psychosis, whether it be delirium, manic depression, schizophrenia, or merely an anxiety syndrome, in most cases will be hard to differentiate from organic or non-organic psychoses….

The treatment for caffeine-induced psychosis is to withhold further caffeine.” Duh.

If you're a conspiracy theorist, I think this site is awesome. "Thousands are in mental institutions today because of no greater matter than that of the use of caffeine." I mean, they're right, caffeine isn't so hot for crazy people. It exacerbates your symptoms by making you even more anxious, but I don't know if I believe that people get themselves hospitalized because of it. I know all the caffeine I drink has got to be bad for me, but screw it, I've got nothing left. I'm not going to limit myself and be one of those people who takes in no toxic substances (I would have to quit meds, too). I just want to enjoy my life, and coffee makes me happy. Sure, I could cut out soda, and I will someday. Not right now. Look what happens when I cut out all my crutches? I go crazy and have nothing to lean on.

Let's not demonize everything. I understand, everything in moderation, and I suck at moderation, but let me have my caffeine! I suppose no one but me is talking about taking it away. There's no one out there pressuring me to stop drinking coffee. No one is saying, "Anne, you've obviously got a problem with caffeine." There's no support group for coffee-heads. I'm just all up in my head about everything. Feeling crazy and need something to blame? Let's look at your caffeine intake.

Sometimes the internet isn't good for me.

Sweet smell of nicotine

Cigarettes. I can smell them. I don't know if someone out on the loading dock is smoking (I'm at work) or if it's just in my nostrils because I'm an addict and my brain can pull tricks like that. I can smell them, though. I know they're out there. Actually, they're right behind me on the shelf. We don't sell my brand, but I don't think that would matter to me much right now. All I want is a cigarette.

But I told you last night I had a drag and it was awful, right? I couldn't eveinhale it. It just made me cough. But I loved the smell, the art of it. I wanted one.

Why do I want a cigarette so much? Cause I'm losing my mind. Cigarettes are my comfort, my security blanket. More than drinking, smoking is what I did to feel better. It kept me breathing at steady rates: in, and out. I have a tendency to hold my breath when I'm stressed, but smoking makes you breathe.

So what do I do? How do I get through this "hump" without substances? I suppose if I can make it now I can do it forever, but we'll see. What's nice is I don't want to drink. I made up my mind that being an embarrassment is bad, and I'm not going back there. But smoking just smells; it doesn't make you act like an idiot. Maybe I shouldn't have quit.

Gourd

Made it out of the house to a meeting tonight and thought I was fine until I opened my mouth to speak. It was a small group, so we were just going around the room. I suppose I could have passed, but it was a women's group, and I want more of the women in the area to know me.

I thought I was going to break down completely. I didn't cry, though. I just... rambled. I don't think anything that came out of my mouth made any sense. I couldn't put a cohesive sentence together, and there sure as hell wasn't a point to anything I was saying. I must have said something funny, because at one point everyone laughed, but I don't even know what I was saying. I was just trying not to freak out.

After, I went to Diane's house to eat buffalo wings and watch football. We sat in the kitchen and talked about our other cousin who is going through a horrible divorce, and about Diane's ex, who is an example of horrible human being. I was buzzing. I just wanted to freak out. I don't know what it would have looked like, but it would have had something to do with pacing, crying, shaking, and rambling. My eyes feel buggy and my skin feels like it's crawling. I want to take a Seroquel, but I have to be up at 6, and I don't think that's enough time.

I'm losing my shit. I have some Lamictal that Michael gave me left over plus the Seroquel. I don't know if I should just take them and hope for something? I can do this. I can last 5 measly days till the doc appointment. He'll give me something, maybe some Xanax for an immediate use. I took a drag off Diane's cigarette to see if that would help and it just made me cough, which is good, I suppose. Normally I would be chain smoking and it would make me feel a whole lot better.

I need to just go to bed, even if I can't sleep. I should just lie there, at least. I need to wrap myself in my comforter and feel safe. I feel crazy. I feel like I'm just going to lose it. Breathe....Breathe....

Divorce and suicide

You can continue to blame your parents.

"Adult daughters of divorce had 83 per cent higher odds of suicidal ideation than their female peers who had not experienced parental divorce.

The link between divorce and suicidal ideation was particularly strong in families where childhood stressors like parental addiction, physical abuse, and parental unemployment also occurred."

I think that last part is really important. Just like which comes first, depression or addiction, you have to wonder if people from divorced families have a higher likelihood of coming from families with previous addiction or mental health problems, which led to the divorce. So is it your nature or nuture? Genes or family? I suppose it doesn't really matter which it was that started the whole thing, the point is you know you're more likely to have problems, and so it's easier to be on the lookout for them. If you know it's coming, it's easier to catch it early, in my opinion.

If it weren't for the internet...

Thank God for technology. I've never worked alone before, and definitely never where there weren't customers for hours at a time. I think I've had 5 people since 9am, and each transaction takes seconds, so that's a lot of time alone. Usually I'd be napping or roaming the internet, but I'm trying not to use this computer a lot.

There's a few big problems with this job besides the loneliness. 1) It's a grocery store and I'm bored, so what am I doing? Walking around looking for something to eat. 2) Working alone means you shouldn't drink too much. Unfortuntely I've had coffee, a Red Bull, and diet Coke, and now I have to pee. 3) I have no idea when Mesfin comes in. He's next on the schedule, and the boss man said, "I don't know, 2, sometimes 3?" Which is super helpful.

There's a womens meeting at 4pm at the club that I'd like to try out. I need to meet up with some women and get a support group going.

An apt app

It's really nice to have an iPad. I'm not the queen of new gadgets, by far, and I never even thought about getting an iPad, but my dad got me one for Christmas, God bless him. I've never had so much fun! I've found podcasts and tv shows that I can watch and listen to anywhere, including places there is no internet. Amazing, I know. So I'm a little behind....

But yesterday I found an app for AA that's a Big Book companion. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I figured it would be good to have some AA material while I'm at work, just in case I get the urge to study.

So here I am, down in the cold basement of the building, alone, and trying to do other things in between tv episodes. So I opened up the app and loe and behold... it's a Big Book! The whole damn thing. Third edition, but still. Stories, Bill, Dr. Bob, all of it. And, it has a sobriety calculator and a contact list for every state and most cities AA intergroup. So if you're in Des Moines and need to find a meeting, this app tells you their phone number and website. How awesome. I'll never have an excuse to miss a meeting again.

Look deep into my eyes

Insight into the cause of your problems is a good starting place for feeling better, but it's not going to change your life. Action is.

The New York Times had a neat op-ed this morning saying basically that, which I've been thinking forever, now. I am therapy and meds' number one fan, but you've gotta take those as tools and run with them. The op-ed talks about a young man who had been through therapy and understood the basic causes of his troubles with life; his early problems with his parents were to blame. But, "When he became depressed, though, this insight added to his pain as he berated himself for failing to stand up to his father and follow his own path." Exactly! It doesn't help you to just know the background, you've got to do something with that knowledge.

Julie and my old therapist have both asked me what my plans are for therapy. I had no idea. I mean, I've spent 15 years in therapy, and I'm pretty sure I'm angry and know why, but what good is talking about it all the time? I've forgiven my mom for a lot of things, and my dad, too. A fourth step was, I'm sure, easier because of all the work I'd already done. But the past few years I've been using therapy as a tool to deal with the day-to-day. Is that the right use of it? Where should therapy take me now?

There are some basic goals for therapy: crisis management (which we're kinda in right now), coping strategies (check), long-term pattern changes (good idea), symptom-reduction (check), self-examination (check), and prevention of relapse (which goes with the crisis for me).

Right now, I'm definitely in crisis management and prevention of relapse. But once I've got a job, meds, and a sponsor, where should we go from there? I suppose it's just taking those character defects from step 4 and working through them. Does that make any sense?