Gourd

Made it out of the house to a meeting tonight and thought I was fine until I opened my mouth to speak. It was a small group, so we were just going around the room. I suppose I could have passed, but it was a women's group, and I want more of the women in the area to know me.

I thought I was going to break down completely. I didn't cry, though. I just... rambled. I don't think anything that came out of my mouth made any sense. I couldn't put a cohesive sentence together, and there sure as hell wasn't a point to anything I was saying. I must have said something funny, because at one point everyone laughed, but I don't even know what I was saying. I was just trying not to freak out.

After, I went to Diane's house to eat buffalo wings and watch football. We sat in the kitchen and talked about our other cousin who is going through a horrible divorce, and about Diane's ex, who is an example of horrible human being. I was buzzing. I just wanted to freak out. I don't know what it would have looked like, but it would have had something to do with pacing, crying, shaking, and rambling. My eyes feel buggy and my skin feels like it's crawling. I want to take a Seroquel, but I have to be up at 6, and I don't think that's enough time.

I'm losing my shit. I have some Lamictal that Michael gave me left over plus the Seroquel. I don't know if I should just take them and hope for something? I can do this. I can last 5 measly days till the doc appointment. He'll give me something, maybe some Xanax for an immediate use. I took a drag off Diane's cigarette to see if that would help and it just made me cough, which is good, I suppose. Normally I would be chain smoking and it would make me feel a whole lot better.

I need to just go to bed, even if I can't sleep. I should just lie there, at least. I need to wrap myself in my comforter and feel safe. I feel crazy. I feel like I'm just going to lose it. Breathe....Breathe....