Pay it forward

Helping another alcoholic is one of the basic tenets of AA. I know that I can't help anyone else until I help myself (get a sponsor, Anne....), but I was able to spread a little AA cheer today, and it makes me feel really good, and really good about the program.

I have a friend of a friend who just decided to get clean and sober. He's got 52 days, and asked me to go to a meeting with him on Sunday. We ended up going to 2, and then 3 yesterday, and one today. We stayed for the marathon yesterday because we both realized we needed a little AA in the day, and each meeting seemed to be on step one or sponsorship.

Anyway, we were talking in between meetings and I asked if he'd read Living Sober yet (remember my good friend the "pamphlet?"). He said, "No. I don't even have any of the books, yet." Well, we had to remedy that. There's a bookstore at the club and we got the woman to open after hours so I could find him a copy. "I don't even have a Big Book." Jesus. What are they teaching at rehab?

So we went through and I got him the Big Book, Living Sober, and a 12x12. He didn't have the money to get them, so I got them for him. Later on, I thought about it: I got all my books for free when I started. I suppose I'm just paying it forward, huh? Anyway, it felt really good to be able to do that for him. I like that now he's at least got the literature.

Driving myself to the brink

Wow, I am a hot mess. I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I was sitting there feeling panic coming on; hands shaking, heart pounding, stomach acids churning. But I did it anyway. We had just read a story in the Big Book called Crossing the River of Denial, about a woman who realized there was no point in continuing to drink. In there, she says, after losing her job, "thank goodness I was sober or I probably would have killed myself."

So I opened up to the group. "I lost my job four months into my sobriety, and like this woman, I think I would be dead if I weren't sober." I was shaking, my eye twitching, my heart pounding. I don't know what else I said, but I could barely get anything sensible out. I made it short.

This seems to happen every time I open my mouth and talk about anything except how much something costs or whether the newspaper was delivered this morning. I can do work in the store, but I can't talk to anyone else about anything else without bringing on a panic attack.

On the drive home, I knew I shouldn't be driving. I could feel the car expanding around me: the cockpit was becoming large enough for a giant. It was just me and the steering wheel. Everything else was moving farther away from me. Then a bus pulled up behind me and passed to the left. It was so big! The bus just overwhelmed me even in my gigantic car.

I made it to the parking garage. Oh, God, now I have to back in to the tight space. Breathe, breathe. I did it. I shouldn't have been driving. I wanted to stay for another meeting but my dad needs the car. I feel like I should just take another Zyprexa and call it a night.

An apt app

It's really nice to have an iPad. I'm not the queen of new gadgets, by far, and I never even thought about getting an iPad, but my dad got me one for Christmas, God bless him. I've never had so much fun! I've found podcasts and tv shows that I can watch and listen to anywhere, including places there is no internet. Amazing, I know. So I'm a little behind....

But yesterday I found an app for AA that's a Big Book companion. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I figured it would be good to have some AA material while I'm at work, just in case I get the urge to study.

So here I am, down in the cold basement of the building, alone, and trying to do other things in between tv episodes. So I opened up the app and loe and behold... it's a Big Book! The whole damn thing. Third edition, but still. Stories, Bill, Dr. Bob, all of it. And, it has a sobriety calculator and a contact list for every state and most cities AA intergroup. So if you're in Des Moines and need to find a meeting, this app tells you their phone number and website. How awesome. I'll never have an excuse to miss a meeting again.

Rule 62

"Taking yourself too seriously is mental vanity."

Have you heard that yet, in AA? Rule 62, Don't take yourself so seriously. I think a lot of people in the program have this problem. To spend all your time focusing on digging out the inner you by looking at your faults and then trying to remove them... it always seemed to me like an effort in self. Sure, it's about trying to be a better person in the world, which benefits everyone, but it's a great tool for looking inward and focusing your attention on yourself. And even the Big Book says that alcoholics are by definition selfish. So it makes sense that this becomes a self-involved program.

But there is this "rule" that I love. Don't take yourself so damn seriously. Adam has it written somewhere, and I always have to remind him. He takes himself very seriously sometimes. I probably don't take myself seriously enough. I think about myself a lot and my needs, but I sure as hell don't act on them. I have a tendency to act according to other people's needs. I don't look out for myself enough; say what I need and not take no for an answer. I worry too much about others.

And I think that's a codependent behavior, right? Again, it comes down to the underlying emotional problem, not the alcoholism. I really believe that I can't drink like normal folks, but it's because I have emotional problems and baggage. Will I be able to drink once I get rid of those? Well, that's a trick question: you never truly get rid of your emotional baggage. It's always there. Sure, you can strive to be perfect, but then you're taking everything too seriously, again.

Life is fun! Or at least, it should be. Misery is optional.

Networking in a bar

The Big Book says not to go to drinking establishments unless you have a good reason to be there. This week, I'm going back to one of my old haunts. It's the basement dive bar in the city where I used to go after work 6 years ago. We would walk in, and the bartender knew immediately what we all drank. He wouldn't even ask, he would just bring it over.

So I'm going back. Why am I going? Well, everyone who is going is someone I know, or someone who works in my field. My mentor asked me to go to network with some people he's bringing. It will be good to see everyone, too. I like all these folks, and I don't have to drink. Isn't that cool? I don't have to drink. But here's another opportunity to lie to my sponsor, or just leave out the where we're meeting. I could always say a restaurant, because it is, technically.

Will I be ok back in my old haunt? I think so. Just the smell of alcohol kinda makes me ill. I hate talking to people who've been drinking. The smell on their breath is gross. I remember a time when Adam said drinking turned him off, and I get what he's talking about now.

The meds question again

Got together with Annie today (it's fun when people have your name) and read a little from the Big Book. We were going to go out to a meeting, but the metro was a little late because of service on the line I was on. So we read instead.

We read something called Acceptance about a pharmacist who did a lot of his own drugs as well as drank too much. Annie and I talked about taking prescription meds, and she mentioned that some people are so against it that they won't even sponsor you. But she's on meds, and thinks that if you need it, take it. She said she's not ready to give that up, and I shouldn't be unless I want to. "It would kill me," she said, "I'd probably commit suicide."

I totally believe that. Every time I've been off meds I've either tried to commit suicide, or I've been in that dark place where I totally could. I don't ever want to go back there.

I have 2 pigeon sisters (people who are sponsored by my sponsor) who are on meds. We talked about it last night on the way to the meeting. I haven't broached it with my sponsor, but I'm sure they have, and she seems ok with it. I don't even want to know if she is against it. Hiding again. Sigh. I should tell her.

The new old Big Book

Pretty soon they're going to release the original manuscript of the book Alcoholics Anonymous, with the original hand written edits in the margins. A lot of people are excited about this, and it is an amazing historical record. It will show what changes were made to the original ideas, and show us just how the group conscience worked in the editing stage.

"One of the most pervasive changes that readers will see is the transition from the 'you' voice to the 'we' voice. Instead of giving directives to people trying to recover from alcoholism and telling them 'you need to do this,' text was changed to the 'we' voice of the fellowship, to show by example."

And how amazing this "we" voice really is. Without it, you might think that you could do it all on your own. But by making it a "we" program, it shows that everyone needs to participate in the group, and the group can be what carries us. I hope to grab a copy of it when it comes out.

Tell me a story

I know there are a lot of people who hate when people talk at meetings and ramble on for a long time, but I love it. People always have something interesting to say even when they super ramble.

Today, this guy came in and talked about how he was an arrogant ass who didn't care about anything. He's got 6 kids, and all but one has been in jail. He claims to be a warrior. But he admitted that at his bottom, he dropped to his knees and cried to God, help me. And now, he's a softy. I thought that was a nice story. A man so taken over by the disease that he didn't care about anything and through the power of AA and his higher power, he was able to gain a life of some sort.

People's stories are fascinating. I love to listen to their "experience, strength, and hope." I even love to read the stories in the Big Book and find the things that I can identify with. For me, it's the people who make this program.

Now it's snails

Now they're messing with snails in the name of science. The description of the experiment is kind of depressing for the snails, but it comes to an interesting conclusion.

By feeding meth to snails, scientists discovered that snails had better memory recall. They attributed this to the drug, and parlayed it into human experience by saying that humans remember the "high" experience and its surroundings better when they are actually high. "Sorg refers to strong drug-induced memories as pathological memories, 'because they can initiate drug use even if the addict is determined not to repeat the behavior again.'"

So going back to the scene of the crime is not only bad for you, it really does bring on those cravings. In the Big Book, they say to stay out of situations like those you used to drink in. If you have no business being in a bar, why go in? It's just temptation. I used to drink in my living room, so there's no escape from that, and sometimes the memory is really strong. Another good reason to move out of my house.

Big Book rocks

I keep staring at my inbox hoping for another email from a company asking for an interview. I know, 2 out of 10 is pretty good, but I like having options. And I like giving interviews.

I've given this decision up to God. There is a life for me here if I need it, but I know I need to go home at some point. I've got to face the music. I ran away to the other side of the country to try and get some peace, and I learned to do that.

Today in the meeting we read "Gutter Bravado" on page 501 of the Big Book. The guy talks about running away from home to get his drink on, and that's just what I did. I know that I need to learn to live with the people I ran from, and that my life will be better if I can do that.

So I'm asking God to make the decision for me: stay or go. Whichever happens, I'm good with it. I'll keep applying to places, but he'll pick which one picks me.

Searching for something

"The next week, a bunch of us went camping, and we brought cases of beer. We finished it all. The others drank a lot, too, but I was the one who woke up in the middle of the night and started wandering around the countryside by the light of the moon. I was the one who walked fr miles searching for something. I know now what I was looking for. Unlike the rest of them, I wanted another drink." Flooded with Feeling, Personal Stories, Big Book.

At first, as a child, I would wander around in the woods behind my house, or I would walk the neighborhood in the middle of the night, looking for something. I didn't know what.

Then, when I was older I would often wander away from parties or people. I always used to wander when drunk. I tended to end up in the bushes, ditches, or the empty lot behind the bar just searching for something; looking alone into the dark.

I also liked to get into fights with people and then stomp off home, no matter how far it was. I often walked home from bars just to say, "I'll show you!" I remember Adam following me once or twice, trying to get me to come back. Poor guy. He really put up with a lot. That's going to be one hell of an amends when the time comes. Maybe I'll have to start getting him better Christmas presents.

And often when I was alone in my apartment and the bars were all closed, I would wander over to the neighborhood store in search of something. I usually thought I was going in there to get bacon for my hangover, but I always got another bottle or two of wine and went home to finish them. My alcoholic life was always searching for the next drink. Unlike some people I know, I could avoid the good wine in my house in favor of something cheap. I always felt like I wasn't good enough to drink the good stuff on my own. I knew I was an alcoholic and would just finish a bottle without putting any thought into it. There was no point in drinking the good stuff and not appreciating it.

And now I'm wandering again, but I'm searching for that something of my childhood. Perhaps, it's faith. I've always been a seeker of faith, but now I know I need it. I need to have that something that will take care of me, because I obviously have trouble taking care of myself. So let's just hope I can find what I've been looking for, and never again look for it at the bottom of a bottle.

How it works

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." How It Works, Alcoholics Anonymous

I went to two meetings yesterday, and at each meeting I was asked to read How It Works. I figure there must be something in there that was supposed to speak to me. Was it the steps? Was it letting go absolutely? I'm having real trouble with letting go ABSOLUTELY. I can let go of certain situations, but absolutely? Let go of my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand him? But we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. I don't have to get it all right just now; I have to have a willingness to do it, and that's all.

But holding on to my old ideas. What does that mean? Does it mean I think my life won't change? I haven't seen it change much yet, except for the feelings, but I know it's coming. Will I start to hang out more with my AA friends than with my other friends? Will I become more judgmental of people who drink? Will I ever stop smoking?

What are my old ideas: that alcohol was a cure for feelings; that you could run away; that everything was just going to be fine as long as I was in control. I have to realize I'm not in control, and I never was. I have to let something bigger than me have the power to lead my life. I have to learn to turn it over to God, and to trust. Ah, trust. I have to learn to trust something and people. I only half trust folks, and never really with myself absolutely. Amazingly, there is one person I trust with it all, but I hate the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. I'm not good at being open and vulnerable. I'm always waiting to be hurt, because my experience shows it always comes.

Perhaps that's another idea I have to let go of. I have to trust people with myself and show my vulnerability. I called my sponsor last night and asked for help. I think that's a big step in the right direction.

"The Third Step does not say, "We turned our will and our lives over to the care of God". It says, 'We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him'." NA, Chapter 4

I can make a decision. I can make this decision to trust.

Who are you, do, do, do do

The Big Book describes the alcoholic as someone who is trying to put on the whole play by themselves. They are the actors, the musicians, the set designers, and the lighting crew. Alcoholics try to control every aspect of their lives, and most of the time, fail miserably. So some of the materials suggest you ask yourself what roles you're trying to play. What are the false characters you put on in this play? Are these working for you?

We all act like different people in different situations. Some of us are the black sheep in our families, and the good girl in relationships. Some of us are the strong, silent friend to some, and the blubbering mess to others. We choose who we're going to be based on the needs and expectations of the people around us.

But who are we, really? Who is deep down in there under the masks and costumes?

I think this is what the fourth step tries to root out. Who are you? What makes up your character in totality, not just in these different situations. Are you really the strong one, or are you a combination of that and the blubberer?

So it's the age old question: Who am I?

Helpful websites

There's this website I've been reading that's really helpful. I keep quoting from it. It's 12Step.org.They have quotes from a number of books and things about this work. They go through the steps one by one and help you better understand just where you're going with them. Hope it helps you like it's helped me!

Also, there's one with worksheets for steps: Steps by the Big Book. I'm using the inventory worksheet from step 4, and reading what they suggest. My sponsor has a worksheet she developed off of this stuff.

Also from 12Step.org is the Big Book online. Good for reading at work or when you don't have it handy.

Another I like is the PDF of the 12&12.

I'll add more as I find them helpful.