Smoke tastes bad

Yeah, yeah. So I bought another pack of cigarettes. I already smoked one, and now I'm on to this second one. I know, I shouldn't have had that first one at the wedding, but I just really wanted one. It felt like the right thing to do, even though it was so wrong. And now I'm addicted again; sneaking out like a high schooler onto my back porch at night when my dad is asleep. I really need to move out.

I really need to quit smoking, again. I realize I am powerless over my addiction. It has me in it's grasp. I'm coughing and sneezing, and I know it's not allergies. It's my allergy to the cigarettes. I need to put them down and be serious this time. I made it 6 months! I can make it another 6. And another. One day at a time.

It's nice that AA has taught me so much about addiction and letting go. I can just say: for today, I won't smoke. But after I finish this pack....

Action without foresight

"Impulsivity, or action without foresight, is a factor in many pathological behaviors including suicide, aggression, and addiction," says the study's author. I just think it's a great explanation. Action without foresight. And it includes actions like addiction that take place over time. Impulsive, but chronic. Interesting how they're grouped in there with aggressive and suicidal acts, which are one time impulsive acts.

Thank God I'm on the low end of impulsivity lately. I can't seem to get anything going, let alone an impulsive act. Maybe running can become a chronic impulsive thing for me. That would be nice.

Once an addict...

“Caffeine-induced psychosis, whether it be delirium, manic depression, schizophrenia, or merely an anxiety syndrome, in most cases will be hard to differentiate from organic or non-organic psychoses….

The treatment for caffeine-induced psychosis is to withhold further caffeine.” Duh.

If you're a conspiracy theorist, I think this site is awesome. "Thousands are in mental institutions today because of no greater matter than that of the use of caffeine." I mean, they're right, caffeine isn't so hot for crazy people. It exacerbates your symptoms by making you even more anxious, but I don't know if I believe that people get themselves hospitalized because of it. I know all the caffeine I drink has got to be bad for me, but screw it, I've got nothing left. I'm not going to limit myself and be one of those people who takes in no toxic substances (I would have to quit meds, too). I just want to enjoy my life, and coffee makes me happy. Sure, I could cut out soda, and I will someday. Not right now. Look what happens when I cut out all my crutches? I go crazy and have nothing to lean on.

Let's not demonize everything. I understand, everything in moderation, and I suck at moderation, but let me have my caffeine! I suppose no one but me is talking about taking it away. There's no one out there pressuring me to stop drinking coffee. No one is saying, "Anne, you've obviously got a problem with caffeine." There's no support group for coffee-heads. I'm just all up in my head about everything. Feeling crazy and need something to blame? Let's look at your caffeine intake.

Sometimes the internet isn't good for me.

A little self loving

Like any addiction, love addiction therapy recommends self-care as a tool to healing. Something I'm doing for self-care right now is listening to Christmas music. I love it so much. I can't wait for this time of year. I decorate, make Christmas cookies, listen non-stop to Christmas music, and pray for snow. It really is the most wonderful time of the year for me.

Some other things I'm doing for self-care are eating well, blogging (it's like journaling, which spell-check says is not a word), thinking about exercising (ok, so I did it once this week. Maybe I'll get out there again), and spending quality time with my dad and grandma. I suppose napping is self-care, but not at the rate I do it. I sleep all the time, which is probably a bad thing. I'm just so tired. I can't seem to sleep at night, and then I sleep during the day, almost all day. When I get up I just don't have the energy for anything. I need to fix that before I hit a bad depression.

What else can I do for self-care? I can take a hot shower. I'm freezing in here, and I need to wash my hair. I only do it every 3 days or so, because it's better for colored hair. I have this nice shampoo and conditioner that I treated myself to. It's nice to take a long shower like that. I wonder what else I can do?

Yes, there is a love addicts anonymous

Really, Love addict totally nails it for me. "Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual." "Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex." "Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles. Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling."

Sigh. Yes, there is a love addicts anonymous, and they have 40 questions about whether or not you are a love addict. "More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing." Sigh, two. I have that unhealthy obsession with Adam we've talked about. I totally want him and he doesn't want me. I agonize over why he doesn't want me. I think about it and daydream, and dream, about the day we'll be together. And it makes me crazy. These are totally love addict responses.

So what to do? I'm sure as hell not going to go to more meetings, even if there were some in the area. I have enough trouble hitting AA meetings. So what do I do? I'm sure someone out there would say to use the steps. Do a sex inventory. Make amends to all the people I've cheated on (all of them except Adam). Most of my amends list is just these boys anyway. I suppose it's time to start working on my co-dependency problem.

A lot of the info out there talks about not being able to let go; remaining friends with all your exes; keeping them in love with you. I do that. Michael admitted he's still in love with me, and I do everything to keep it that way. We have sex when I see him (though we hadn't for months), I let him take me out to dinner, etc. I'm great friends with all of my exes, even the fiance I left and cheated on. I don't know why, but he still talks to me. A lot of them talk about how I'm the one who got away. They're crazy! I was a manipulative bitch who cheated on them, and they all know it!

Love addict. Co-dependent. Totally makes more sense than commitment-phobe.

Love addict?

The title of the article below is "Healthy Sexuality for Co-Dependents." Co-dependency is defined as "is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others."

The article says: "Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love – for others or ourselves."

Sex has never been connected to love for me. Sex for me is a way to get to know people better, to connect to them. It's just something fun to do. I always worry about the other person and if they enjoy it, and Michael always said I get really passive. I'm not a passive person at all, I don't think, but during sex I totally am.

I'm not sure what any of this means, or how to fix it. There's tons of stuff out there about sex and co-dependency, but I just can't weed through it all. I know I don't have an addiction, per se. I guess the best description is a love addict/avoidant person.

In that last article it has a chart, and one of the things a love addict/avoidant does is "Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way." That is totally me. Remember when we were talking about commitment issues? This sounds more like it. I idealize and obsess over the person, and then pull away, often getting angry at the person for no reason whatsoever. Fascinating.

Coffee loves me back

So what's my next addiction I need to handle? Caffeine. I consume about 5 cups of coffee and 3 sodas a day. I know, I know, it'll rot your stomach, etc, etc, but man do I love coffee. Decaf just tastes so gross. I know I could give up soda just fine, because I only really started drinking it when I quit booze. But coffee? Sigh. Why do I love it so?

"Caffeine blocks adenosine reception so you feel alert. It injects adrenaline into the system to give you a boost. And it manipulates dopamine production to make you feel good."

Dopamine! It's always dopamine, isn't it? We've discovered, or you have if you've been following my ramblings, that everything is about dopamine. It is effected by every substance, like coke, booze, nicotine, heroin, and now caffeine. Even mental illness effects your dopamine. So us addicts are really just addicted to dopamine and it's effects, not, perhaps, on specific substances.

Caffeine is just bad for you, too. It causes bone loss, but it's good for something: it reduces memory loss. I know this year isn't the time to give up anything more, especially something that makes me as happy as a cup of coffee. Maybe what I should do is just slow down on the caffeine. Maybe just 3 cups a day, or one cup and one soda.

I feel like I'm addicted to coffee. I have it once I get out of bed, and often drink it till night time. I probably am. I feel like I'm not awake till after the third or fourth cup. Sigh. I love you, dopamine.

Stop talking about it and do it

Thanks to Guinevere over on Guinevere Gets Sober for turning me on to Reverb10. "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next." I am woefully behind, but I'm going to start with yesterday's prompt: what are 11 things my life doesn't need in 2011.

I can not believe it's almost 2011, by the way. I think in 2010 I've been able to get rid of a hell of a lot so far. It's been the year of shedding bad vices and pulling myself into a new way of life. So what else can I shed? What else can I get rid of?

1. Diet Coke. That's right, I can rid myself of one more addiction. Will I do it? Tune in....

2. Laziness. How in the hell is that possible! I have to figure out why I'm so lazy, first, which leads me to....

3. Procrastination.

4. Clothes. I have a Loft addiction, and my closet is bursting with price tags from new clothes. I don't have a lot of closet space, and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to put things (no dresser space), so it's time to purge.

5. Lying. I've got to stop lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. Jesus, this is like a fourth step list now!

6. All of these things seem to be in the "addict behavior" category. My addictions, like diet Coke and shopping. My behaviors like lying, procrastinating, being lazy, and impulsive. Doing stuff under the radar and doing things I know I shouldn't, like sleeping with Michael and talking about getting married just for the health insurance. All these things are old behaviors I really need to get rid of.

All of these things I can rid myself of, but all in a year? I suppose that's where AA comes in. Actually DOING my fourth step instead of stopping mid-stream and ignoring it for a while. So maybe that's my end of year resolution: do my fourth step.

I want to shop, now

I can't have a cigarette, I can't have a drink, so the next urge to come to me was to shop. I want to login to my favorite stores and just check out what they've got. Except I'm awful at "window" shopping online. I just put stuff in my cart and buy cause I'm usually getting a really good deal. I wonder what my dad thinks about all the packages I get. At least he knows it's not drugs.

So why shop?"...shopping activates key areas of the brain, boosting our mood and making us feel better — at least for a little while." Like all the other things we're not supposed to do too much of, it does make us happy. And people who have compulsive shopping addictions are just addicts like the rest of us. Why? Of course. "Much of the joy of holiday shopping can be traced to the brain chemical dopamine."

Dopamine really does a number on us addicts. I need to find a better outlet now, since all I have left is shopping and food and neither of those are good ideas. Getting fat again would make me really depressed, and shopping isn't good for my meager bank account. I can't shop the way I want to on unemployment, and where in the hell would I put everything? I already need to go through and give away everything I don't use anymore. I'm sure there's something in there.

"Extinction learning"

They've found an interesting way to help addicts recover:

"This is the first time that a therapeutic treatment has been shown to block the retrieval of memories associated with drug addiction, a major reason many addicts experience relapse, says Mueller.

Along with the discovery of propranolol's cocaine-memory blocking effects, the researchers also have identified the primary players in the brain responsible for "extinction" learning -- the ability to replace cocaine-associated memories with associations that have no drug 'reward.'"

So when you block the memory of the good times, you can focus on the bad. Kind of like AA. People tell their stories all the time, but the focus is on the bad things it did to them. They like to walk through the drink, and focus on the consequences associated with taking that first drink. I like that. It makes you remember what an ass you were, or all the trouble you go into, which wasn't the fun part. Apparently it really is a step towards the cure.

It's interesting how they call it "extinction learning." Changing that learning and associating the drink or the smoke or the drug with something bad instead of something good. I need to associate smoking with smelling bad. I think that's my biggest problem with it right now: I stink. And with getting out of breath in the first 30 minutes of running. Once my lungs warm up I'm fine, but those first 30 are a killer.

Will the bipolar calm down?

"Alcohol exposure during adolescence alters the body's ability to respond to stress in adulthood....problems regulating stress are associated with behavioral and mood disorders, the findings may indicate that binge drinking in adolescence leads to increased risk of anxiety or depression in adulthood."

I began drinking and doing drugs when I was 15. I had depression issues before that, but wasn't diagnosed bipolar until a little bit after I started doing drugs. I dealt with the stress in my life by doing drugs, and believe me, there was a lot of stress in my life. I hear people say all the time that they used to think, "If you had my problems you'd drink too!" I suppose that's what I was saying, without saying that.

I don't know when I started having panic attacks, but I don't think it was until college. I know I was a mess, then, but I also wasn't on medication except drinking. I did the occasional drug, but not really. I smoked, too. I kept dealing with the stress by drinking. Every time something went wrong, I got drunk.

So in my adulthood, I have trouble dealing with stress. Is it because of that early drug use? Is it because I've gotten into the habit of dealing with stress with substances? I've been under a lot of stress lately, and haven't dealt with stress with substances. I've been able to just deal with it (with the help of cigarettes and diet Coke). I wonder if just breaking that habit will help me deal with stress. I wonder when I break the cigarette habit, if that will help me deal with stress?

I wonder a lot whether the drugs I took made me bipolar instead of just depressed. I did take an anti-depressant and went manic, which is a good indicator of being bipolar, but could it have been exacerbated by my drug and alcohol use? I'm hoping that the longer I'm sober the less drugs I need to be on. I'm hoping it will calm down the bipolar.

Marya Hornbacher talks about still being on meds, and talks about how you'll still be bipolar without the drugs. I think that's true: It will still be there. She had a severe case of bipolar, which I don't have, but I know it will still be something I'll have to deal with, just maybe lesser.

Replacing one for another

Moving Beyond Addiction had something today about shopaholics. I know I'm not one, especially after reading the "symptoms," but she did have some good advice. We addicts tend to just replace one addiction with another. Instead of drinking, I'm drinking diet Coke. Instead of doing drugs, I'm chain smoking. Now I'm trying to get myself obsessed with running, instead. Oh, it makes me shop for new stuff, yeah, but it's not that horrible. Just shoes, a sports bra, and running pants for winter.

Anyway, "Often the void can be filled with a higher power and understanding of what is going on beneath the layers of the addiction. What trauma are you avoiding? What void are you trying to fill up with shopping? The answers are there if you just listen and seek assistance to help you get through your pain."

What am I trying to cover up? What am I feeling that I'm hiding?

We're back to dopamine

"Researchers at the University of Copenhagen have succeeded in creating a model of the way the brain releases dopamine, an important chemical involved in transmitting signals between nerve cells.

In the brain, dopamine is involved in a number of processes that control the way we behave. If an action results in the substance being released, we are more likely to repeat the action. This applies to actions such as eating, sexual intercourse or winning a competition. However, the same also holds true when individuals take harmful narcotics. Scientists believe that mental illnesses such as schizophrenia can be linked to dopamine imbalances."

Dopamine really is an amazing thing. It is probably responsible for mental illnesses and addictions.

Blame your mom again

Your genes have a lot to do with your pre-disposition to alcoholism and addiction.They messed with mice again, and altered one gene that works on, you guessed it, dopamine.

"This study shows that the effects of chronic alcohol consumption on brain chemistry are critically influenced by an individual's pre-existing genetic makeup."

We've all seen the addiction that runs in families, but now they've finally found what may cause that. I suppose the alcoholism gene really did skip my parents and made it's way to me. It would explain why I have an addictive personality - I really genetically have one.

Also from the article: "(the study) suggest(s) that deficiency in dopamine D2 receptors may make people (and animals) less able to experience ordinary pleasures and more vulnerable to alcoholism, drug abuse, and even obesity."

Ordinary pleasures are less pleasurable, eh? Sounds a lot like depression to me. I wonder if they'll eventually link the D2 gene to mental illness. If the majority of us crazies have alcoholism and addiction, and the majority of alcoholics (that I've met) are nuts, this would explain a lot.

Addiction Recovery resource

Just a quick resource for you:

"Oklahoma - Narconon Arrowhead, a residential drug and alcohol rehabilitation program is reaching out to people all over the country as they launch their new web-site, www.addictionrecoveryforalifetime.com which is geared towards providing free help to those in need. The site is a resource that will supply visitors with a free booklet designed to point addicts and families alike in the right direction when it comes to choosing an addiction treatment center."

I am powerless

"Fighting an addiction pits your will to resist a craving against your will to succumb to it. You are the addiction, and fighting the addiction is fighting yourself, and fighting yourself gets you nowhere." Rami Shapiro, Recovery

Powerlessness. You can't fight yourself. You can't fight against what's inside you. Instead, you need to accept powerlessness. "All we can do is work with what happens moment to moment." I have to stop fighting myself, and instead succumb to the fact that I am an addict. I am addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, food. I am addicted to love, to disaster. And instead of trying to control those facts, I have to just accept them, and accept life on life's terms.

Step one is one we need to come back to often. We need to continue to realize that we're powerless over our addictions. We can't control any of them. But we also need to realize that we can't control anything in life. We can't control the weather, other people, places, things, etc. We are completely powerless.

But that doesn't mean we have to give up. No, it's quite the opposite. The only thing we can do is accept this powerlessness, and continue to live our lives with that in mind.

Money is pouring out of me....

Money is pouring out of me like sweat. Not only have I spent over $2,000 on moving, but I've spent a million hours and some hundreds of dollars on that stupid bridesmaids dress that still isn't here, and now my dog needs to go to the vet again. He's not eating, his nose is dry, and there may be blood in his stool, says my mom. She's super paranoid about everything, but it could be something. Something expensive, I'm sure.

I just don't have the money to keep shelling out like this, and yet all I want to do is go to Ann Taylor and make myself feel better. Shopping is another lovely addiction, but it sure feels good - I suppose like every addiction. Sigh.

Stop the shop

Ok, the shopping has officially gotten a bit out of control. I mean, everything I order I actually need (most of the time) but I'm still buying a lot, and I've started to use my credit cards.

I bought a ring on Friday. It's cool - decorative silver which covers half my finger and a huge turquoise stone in it. I bought it to replace something special which I lost while drunk. Last year, we went to an all weekend wine tasting. $40 got you two days and 20 wineries to pick from. We rented 2 hotel rooms to share among the 8 of us, and carpooled around the area. I, of course, was the drunk driver. We got home to the hotel on the last night, and drank even more. I put my $150 real turquoise and silver ring from New Mexico on the nightstand (I think) and passed out. In the morning, I forgot to put them back on. The hotel says they never found them, and I really have no idea where they were. The ring was really special, and was an investment for my collection of turquoise from my grandma. So this is a replacement for my sobriety.

Next, I purchased more clothes from Ann Taylor. I really should be banned from that store. I can't get out of there without spending obscene amounts of money.

On Sunday after hockey I gave in and purchased my own gear. It was $600, but now I'll have gear that's not falling apart and actually fits me. And doesn't smell. Using communal gear that at least 5 years of other goalies have sweat in is disgusting, and always gives me acne.

Stop me from shopping!

Normal is cool

"...mood reactions to daily events are similar between bipolar disorder patients who have achieved remission and mental healthy individuals."

Besides the addictions, like shopping, smoking, and diet Coke, my bipolar seems to be under control. Ever since I stopped drinking, and after the weird period where my meds got used to it, I've been pretty normal. Normal. I'm never sure what normal is, but apparently those of us in remission can feel normal emotions and not be having an episode.

It's ok to cry; it doesn't mean you're depressed. It's ok to be really happy; it doesn't mean you're manic. Normal emotions range from high to low, and everyone feels them. Just because you feel them, too, doesn't mean it's a product of mental illness. We just have to get used to "being restored to sanity." And it's ok. It's all going to be ok.

Add to my collection

I think I'm developing a shoe addiction, too. I have a bunch of shoes, and tend to wear the same three pairs. A lot of them are too high for work, and I never get to go anywhere fun where I can wear my shoes. I'm just going to have to start wearing them around the house. These are the shoes I bought today. Perfect for work and under pants! They look like men's trouser shoes, but with a cute heel. I also bought more boots. I got grey booties this time. I have 3 pair of brown boots, one black, and two red. I figured I needed grey.

Once an addict, always an addict.