Crazy, crazy for feelin so crazy

Michael and I were talking tonight about our lives, and he said something that explains exactly how I feel: "And nothing feels worse than being safe and secure, and yet, insecure and unsafe."

I have a place to live, in fact, a great place to live, but I feel homeless. I have money coming in, not a lot, but some, and yet I feel like I'm just mooching off the state. I have a resume that's gotten me 8 interviews, but I feel like I have no qualifications. Safe, yet unsafe. Secure, yet insecure.

Everything is just so up in the air. I don't even know anything. I don't know what to talk about! I'm just so lost right now. I'm starting to feel it. I'm starting to feel.... Crazy. Not like I want to drink, but like I want to have sex. I know, that's new, you're thinking, but it's not. I use sex to feel worse about myself when I'm feeling bad, but can't figure it out. I really want to just go out somewhere and find someone to sleep with. Usually I do that by finding a bar and having someone buy me drinks, but that's not going to work. And I can't just Craigslist it, because my dad would know that I left. I'm never going to get laid this way.

But I suppose that's good. I'm not supposed to have sex till my one year is up, and although I've been bad about that, I have only done it twice, and with people I know well. I've been good. Now I don't feel like I want to continue to play this game. I want some of my destructive behaviors back. I don't want to feel good - I want to feel like I feel inside.

I'm still going to quit smoking, Monday, but right now I'm going to substitute sex for a cigarette. Jesus, what the hell am I going to do when cigarettes are gone!?