Pride

The 12 and 12 talks about the seven deadly sins we look at in our inventory (step 4). I've come to realize lately that I have a big nasty one: pride.

Now, pride can be a good, or a bad thing. It's good to look inside and see the good things about yourself and be accepting and even proud of them. But what I'm talking about it the pride of self that says, "I am better and stronger than everyone else, and therefore I don't need them." Sure, I take criticism. I listen when people point out my flaws, but I've always thought I was better than other people. People are inherently weak and flawed, so I have to be stronger and more "perfect."

But no man is an island. The moment I walked into the rooms of AA I admitted I wasn't all powerful, and in fact, flawed. I admitted that I needed the help of other people to make me a better person. I admitted defeat and made my first small steps towards humility.

Pay it forward

Helping another alcoholic is one of the basic tenets of AA. I know that I can't help anyone else until I help myself (get a sponsor, Anne....), but I was able to spread a little AA cheer today, and it makes me feel really good, and really good about the program.

I have a friend of a friend who just decided to get clean and sober. He's got 52 days, and asked me to go to a meeting with him on Sunday. We ended up going to 2, and then 3 yesterday, and one today. We stayed for the marathon yesterday because we both realized we needed a little AA in the day, and each meeting seemed to be on step one or sponsorship.

Anyway, we were talking in between meetings and I asked if he'd read Living Sober yet (remember my good friend the "pamphlet?"). He said, "No. I don't even have any of the books, yet." Well, we had to remedy that. There's a bookstore at the club and we got the woman to open after hours so I could find him a copy. "I don't even have a Big Book." Jesus. What are they teaching at rehab?

So we went through and I got him the Big Book, Living Sober, and a 12x12. He didn't have the money to get them, so I got them for him. Later on, I thought about it: I got all my books for free when I started. I suppose I'm just paying it forward, huh? Anyway, it felt really good to be able to do that for him. I like that now he's at least got the literature.

Yeah, yeah, I know

I made it to a meeting this morning, thanks to Adam. He had to go to the doc, and so I got dropped off at the club to fend for myself for an hour. Not a bad deal. I ran into a friend there, too. A woman who was sponsored by my old sponsor was there with another woman. She came up to me after the meeting to ask how I was, and to tell me she relapsed over Christmas. To tell the truth, I'm not surprised. She was having a tough go of it, and my old sponsor was only annoying her. "I'm giving her another 90 days and then I'm going to figure it out," she said. I told her to hang in there with the sponsor and to call me if she needed anything. I hope she does. She's unemployed, too, and without a license, so it's tough for her to get around.

The meeting was the fifth step from the 12x12. I should be on my fifth step right now. I've got a finished fourth step just sitting there waiting for a sponsor, but I heard something good this morning. A man said even when he sponsors people he doesn't hear their fifth step. "I think it's best done with a member of the clergy or a therapist. I may have experience being sober, but I'm not trained for when people fall apart."

I had been thinking of doing the fifth with a priest anyway. Before I got sober I "did a fifth step," or like we call it in the church, I went to confession. I was serious about it, and told him everything. All the dirty little secrets only I knew. And though he had a little look of shock, he told me that God forgave me, as long as I wasn't going to go back out and repeat myself. I have never felt the grace of God like I did at that momemnt. I felt light and free! I still remember that feeling to this day, and it's been 2 years or so. Maybe 3.

But I do need to find myself a sponsor. I'm not sure where to look for one. I don't know if the club near me will really be a good hunting ground. It's mostly men, and I seem to be hitting all the old biker guy meetings. I want someone older than me, and so this is a good spot to look, but who knows. Time to get serious about it, I suppose!

Bring us back to nature

"Forests -- and other natural, green settings -- can reduce stress, improve moods, reduce anger and aggressiveness and increase overall happiness."

Have you ever read Last Child in the Woods? It's a really incredible book about "nature deficit disorder" in which children of our "wired generation" who don't get enough exposure to the natural world end up with depression, obesity, anger, and more illnesses.

I remember as a kid my parents tried to use all of our vacation time to visit as many national parks as possible. We always camped (I didn't stay in more than 2 hotels until I was 20-something). I loved spending time in the woods. I would roam around and play with the clay ground, listen to the crickets late at night, and climb over rocks and streams. I always felt better in the woods. That's why I tried paganism once (but I just can't seem to shake Catholicism).

I believe we've all got nature deficit disorder. We don't get outside enough (as I'm typing in front of the tv...). We need to get back together with nature. To take our illnesses outside into the world. So grab your 12 and 12, grab your mental health books, and head outside into the sun, or if you prefer, the shade.

That wolf inside

Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. - 12&12, Step 5

Going alone into your dark, deep recesses of the mind is always a dangerous thing. That's why God invented therapists. Sometimes you have to reach in there and grab out the scary stuff and wrestle with it, but you can always take it to other people.

Again, like when Atrayu faces the wolf, he has to take that first step alone and face what he doesn't want to face (like step four). My mom used to always send me out of the room on some errand when this part came on, so it was years before I knew the wolf scene was in the movie. It still scares me! The deep dark places in your mind are frightening.

And that's why we bring everything back to a place of safety. We go in with God on our sides, and come out sharing the experience with others in order to make sense of it all. I think I'll like this step. It'll be hard during step four to find the places where I'm "defective," but nice to get that burden off of my shoulders.

Someone mentioned they did their fifth step with a man on the bus. I think that's hilarious. You will never see that person again, and so it's easier to admit your defects. I think mine will have to be in therapy or even with my sponsor. I need to get a little more comfortable with her first.

It's not that I don't like her, it's just that she's not around a lot. She's hard to pin down, but she's only human. It'll just take me some time to trust her enough with my emotions. But she's got what I want - she's still working her program hard, and comes to troubles only to work them through with the help of others. I want to have that kind of program.

All alone in a big world

"Almost without exception, alcoholics are troubled by loneliness....There was always that mysterious boundary we could not surmount or understand." 12&12 Step 5

Ever feel lonely in a crowded room, surrounded by people you know and love? Sometimes it's really hard to get close to people - to open up. I know a lot of the time people accuse me of being too honest, but I never really share my inner self with a lot of people. There are only one or two people who really know me - really know me - inside and out.

And that's something I need to change. Step 5 is admitting to yourself, HP, and another person your character defects. I'm not there yet, but it's good to think that someone besides my therapist and you people will know my innermost thoughts about myself, and my true character defects.

Building a relationship

"The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we rely on them far too much." 12&12 pg. 53

My mother is severely mentally ill. She is in and out of mental hospitals, shelters, and the streets. Before my grandfather died, he set up a trust to pay for an apartment for her, which she keeps trying to leave, but my uncle won't let her.

I've always been her savior. I've gotten her on disability, saved her from mental hospitals and delivered her to shelters, I've taken custody of her at the airport after she's been kicked out of whole countries. I'm her caretaker. I dominate her life by doing all the things she can't do for herself, and in return I expect her to act like my mother and give me the love I need.

The day before I got sober, my cousin Diane said to me, "You'll never have a true partnership with another person until you fix the relationship you have with your mother." That hurt. I thought, "I have friends, life-long relationships. I have people in my life that I neither depend too much on, nor try to control. I have partnerships!"

But then again, I do let my relationship with my mom get in the way. I believe no one can love me completely, because any contact by others with my mom ends up hurting them. They see the complete destruction she causes, and it frightens them. What if I end up like her, I think they think. What if she causes all of Anne's attentions to be directed there? I worry that I can't form those true partnerships for fear of being too difficult to love.

Through this program, I will learn to create boundaries between my mother and myself. She's been pretty normal for the past two years, and the one time she showed up on my doorstep at 1:25am I drove her to the bus stop and sent her home. I created a boundary between us made up of all the "fly-over" states, mountains, and pastures. Now, I just have to build that emotional boundary where I won't worry when the other shoe is going to drop.

Lately she's been really depressed. She can't really walk anymore because of a messed up ankle. She's stuck in her house; she used to be really active. I'm afraid. I'm afraid she's going to try to kill herself and I won't be there to save her this time. It'll be too late, and I'll lose her before I even got her back.

I have to trust in this program to get me through something like that. The cool thing is, no matter what, I don't have to drink.