A bipolar's daughter

I just sat down with my dad to try and think of some of my manic/depressive episodes. "Where did it start?" I wondered aloud. "Well, I think it was after mom got diagnosed. But what's funny is you would be in a bad mood and then I would take you out and you would be fine. It was always only around her."

It was always her. She was always the reason for my moods; she could bring me up or drag me way down. My dad would find me hiding in the closet cowering from her, or we would be 100s of miles away at the beach (and before the cell phone era, this was called disappearing). She would let me sleep in and skip school, or I would run away and hide in the woods. It was always her: my moods were in reaction to her.

So maybe she was diagnosed first, but I remember wanting to go to the psychiatrist when I was 14. I had already been a cutter for a long time, and I was starting to get really "crazy." I can't remember what that felt like, I just remember being worried about myself. Maybe I was really worried about her and just projecting? Maybe I was fine?

Maybe I AM fine. My suicide attempt came after a huge hormonal flux for my body, coupled with a huge amount of alcohol and a shitty life at the time. My next big episode happened when I was unemployed last time, and I tended that with food and copious amounts of alcohol. And this time? I'm unemployed, again, and my situation would make anyone depressed.

Really. Maybe it's all ok? Maybe it's situational? Maybe she's the one with the disorder and I've just got "symptoms" that show up in times of crisis?