Yeah, yeah, I know

Ok, ok. So as usual it didn't take me long to figure out that I'm perfectly fine when sitting here safe in front of my computer, but out in the real world... I'm a fucking mess without my meds. I admit it: I have bipolar disorder. 16 years and 5 psychiatrists weren't wrong. I am on the verge of a breakdown, and tonight showed me just how close. I couldn't even get out the words, "I need a sponsor," without crying. That's pretty bad, since I don't cry, and NEVER in public. I'm what you might call stoic (except around Adam, but that's because frustration makes me cry, and boy is he frustrating).

So yeah, I'm patiently waiting till Thursday when the doc and I can have a conversation about what drugs to try me on. I don't want to do lithium or Zyprexa, but I'm willing to try out other stuff I've been on before to see if new combinations work better. I'm going to go into this new phase like I'm going into sobriety: with honesty.

Sometimes I just want my doc to feel like he's doing a good job, so I'll lie and say the meds make me feel better. A lot of the time I don't think they're doing anything, but I get confused as to what normal feels like, and I don't want to disappoint the doc by not getting better. Well, that doesn't help me, now does it?

I'm going to keep it together till Thursday and then I'm going to be honest throughout the process. Remind me on Wednesday how much I need this, or I'm sure I'll try to convince myself out of it again.