Home is where the ___ is

I really wish I could feel better, but I don't. I have so much in my life. I have people who love me, but I don't trust them to love me. I have a place to live, but I feel alienated from it. I have meetings to go to with people who care. And that's true.

I feel lost without a job. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning and do something. It gives you something to think about besides yourself. It introduces you to new people and new experiences. I like working.

And now that my time up north is coming to an end (my cousin gets her license back next week) I don't know what to do with myself. I have no reason to stay up here, but I have no reason to go "home." Home is just my dad's apartment with FOX news and no food. It's a twin bed and all my stuff stuffed into a small closet. It's living out of bags and boxes. It's not having my car or my dog. It's going to meetings and not feeling comfortable.

I need my own space. I was thinking of going to see my aunt in Indiana and then Jennifer, who is a few states south. Maybe I'll stay the rest of the summer with them. But what do I do in September? I can't imagine another year of this. I'll just have to get a retail job and an apartment somewhere. Start over. The year of self reflection must come to an end.

Don't be discouraged

The topic the other night was discouragement. I've been discouraged in my life, but definitely by the program of AA. It was such a difference moving cross country, and then getting involved with the young people, which I should have known wasn't my scene. What's sad is I spent almost a year at my dads and never found a meeting I felt like I could call my home group, but I've been up north 2 months and I miss the people at my Tuesday meeting. AA feels more comfortable up here. I like these people: they're real.

So yeah, I was discouraged, and I backed away for a time. But I also came to realize that I feel better when I go to meetings. It strengthens me for the day to come. I like to hear everyone's stories and listen to the laughter. It's good for me.

I think I'm going to hit a noon meeting, now.

Anne and the very bad day

Sometimes you've got to dig deep and grab that small part of you that might be excited, and hold on to it. I had interviews number 30 and 31 the other day, and I just don't care. People ask how they went, and I don't know. It's all the same. They're just like all the others that didn't call me back. I'm just feeling jaded. And then Adam and I got into a fight, my dad told me I should never show my tattoos around him, and I lost my contact in my eye. All petty shit, right? But it builds up.

So let's dissect this: my dad basically told me to keep pretending to be something I'm not while I'm with him. He doesn't like the real me - the one covered in tattoos. It's not like I ever curse around him or do anything else I do with others, but pretending to be the "good girl" forever sucks while it's 94 degrees and you have to wear a sweater to cover up your tattoo. Why can't he accept and love me for who I am? That's a hard lesson I just had to learn, and part of the reason I moved cross-country last time. It just makes me want to run away again.

Adam and I got in a fight. He said he was going to come up north with me for the week, and then bailed because he got a better offer. I don't blame him for bailing - he was asked to do something really cool and special - but he does this a lot. "I'll call you back," and then it's weeks before you hear from him. "I'm coming out," and then you don't know his travel plans till the day before, or even if he's coming or not. It's selfish to keep your plans to yourself. I think the biggest part, besides the not being able to plan around his word, is that I get excited to see him and then he bails at the last minute. Sure, he shows up when there's trouble, and I can always count on him then, but I think it's because he likes the chaos. When it's just he and I, I can never trust that he's coming. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just wasn't hearing me before.

And that's pretty much it. I'm just frustrated and a little disappointed in people.

Kvetching time!

I haven't been paid (unemployment) in almost 2 months, I gave myself shin splints in my driving leg, and I think I'm getting fatter despite working out twice a day. No, I'm just turning everything I've got into muscle, but it still makes my shorts tight. Baah.

I've applied to about 1,000 jobs at this point, and I'm still unemployed. My brain hurts just thinking about it. And I don't care about what I'm trained to do, anymore. I'm sick of it. I wish I had a passion for something else, but I don't. I just go with the flow most of the time. Sure, I love a lot of things, but they mostly involve unstructured things or sports.

All in all, my life is pretty good. I still have the money to cover my bills because I was such a penny pincher before. I still have my car and a place to live. I'm getting free exercise classes all summer and time with family members I hadn't been around before. I am grateful for everything, really, I am.

It all comes out in the wash

"Mom, you're drunk! I've known since I was 7 how to tell when you're drunk." -From a 15 year old.

I hope I never have to hear those words from my future kids. My cousin might drink a little much. Her soon to be ex sure does. Tonight, we were at a party and they were both there. Their daughter was visibly uncomfortable to have them in the same room, and wouldn't leave her mom's side. My cousin then made a crack at her ex, and now the 15 year old wants to move out and in with friends. "I don't want to live with either of you!" I kinda don't blame her.

When my parents got divorced, I chose to live with my dad. He's harmless, stable, and a good guy. Not that my cousin isn't a good person, but she's got some rough traits. She's bossy, she picks at the kids sometimes, and she is so angry with her ex that it shows. She should be: he dicked her over and left her for a 26 year old. I'd be pissed, too. But sometimes the way she acts is childish. She needs to pull it together, if only for the kids sake, but for hers, too. She can't live like this. And she's drowning her feelings in booze, which just makes her text her ex and say mean things.

Life is complicated. Kids are complicated. Divorce is messy. There's no way to end an 18 year relationship without complications, but the two of them are making it harder on themselves, and the kids. I don't know what to do. I'm just a fly on the wall right now. I feel it's not my place to butt in, so I only give advice when asked. We'll see how the rest of the summer goes.

Summertime and the living is....

It's been a great adventure here up north for the summer. As you can see, I don't have a lot of time to post. My cousin is go, go, go from dawn to dusk. It's amazing how much energy she has! She has three kids, two of them teenagers, and has to keep up with them all. Plus, she's a fitness instructor. We've been doing spin, yoga, and running. I don't know if I've lost weight, but my body feels better, though tired. Today, she's on a field trip with the little one, so I get the day to myself. I haven't worn a real bra in three weeks. It feels almost strange not to put on workout clothes for the day.

Like I said before, AA meetings up here are awesome. By meeting 3 (there are only 2 a week in this small town) everyone said hi to me when I came in and chatted with me afterwards. It's much better than living in the city where there's a meeting a minute and you hardly ever see the same folks. They are just so welcoming here. And they're trying to help me find an Al-Anon meeting for the family. My cousin's soon to be ex husband is an alcoholic, and she wants the kids to know Al-Anon is out there. I think it's a great idea, and would be great for her, too.

She drinks a lot, well, almost every night, and it doesn't bother me to see her do it. In fact, it reminds me why I don't want to drink again. The reactions of her kids make me sure I never want to drink in front of my kids (when I have them). Kids notice everything, and know when you're out of control. I just hope she can see from their perspective. It's hard to see your mom drink at all when your dad is such a drunk.

I just want to hug these kids, but they're not a hugging kind of group. They are very loving, though. The kids obviously love each other and their parents. They're just going through a really rough time right now, and so there's a lot of yelling. Teenagers can be harsh, too! They know how to cut to the bone. I feel sorry for my cousin because she bares the brunt of it, since her ex is living across town.

I just hope I can be a good and loving influence.

29 and counting

Had my 29th interview the other day, and it went just as well as the other 28. They want me to come in for interview number 30. But my dream job just opened up up north, and I'm praying they call me! It's for a premier psychiatric institution with researchers and clients. I would be so pleased to be there. Hopefully they call me for an interview.

I really like being up north for the summer. Its not as hot here, and I'm spending some real quality time with my cousin and her kids. Its also really nice to be out of the apartment. Dad is great, but I was struggling there. AA meetings here are fascinating. All backwoods rednecks (theres a dude who doesnt even wear a shirt) but I love it. I would move north in a heartbeat. I've always loved it here. I spent my summers up here, and holidays. It just makes me happy.

But I'm hesitant. Why? Adam. I want us to be together, but I cant put my life on hold for him. I have to go where the jobs are. But I wish we could make something work. It would help if he wanted it. But I dont even mention it anymore. My cousin is obsessed. She met him when we went down for a weekend and said, "you light up when he's around!" i didn't even think about it, but I do! It's kind of frustrating. He's hard to gauge. A few months ago he said he wasnt looking for anything, so I will hold that as the truth until he tells me differently. I just have to go on and make my own plans.

Northern exposure

I just talked to my cousin up north, the one who got a DUI, and they reduced her charges to reckless, which means she only loses her license for 60 days. I'm headed up there on the 18th and I'm going to stay till July 19th. She's promised me days of running and yoga (and no diet Coke!), so I fully expect to be fit when I return.

I'm taking the GRE on the 18th of July. I'm a little nervous about it. I know I can do the English section just fine, but math? Hm. Math was never my forte. It's always a little intimidating to me, especially fractions. I had all the help in the world and yet could never get it. It just doesn't speak to me.

Speaking of speak, in the graduate program I'm going to apply for you have to design your own program, but there's still the regular PhD requirements. What are those, you say? One is being reading comprehensive in two languages other than English. So, we're back to French! Maybe I'll try Spanish, too, or just stick with German or Russian. I at least know the alphabet in those.

I really hope I get into the program!