Home is where the ___ is

I really wish I could feel better, but I don't. I have so much in my life. I have people who love me, but I don't trust them to love me. I have a place to live, but I feel alienated from it. I have meetings to go to with people who care. And that's true.

I feel lost without a job. It gives you a reason to get up in the morning and do something. It gives you something to think about besides yourself. It introduces you to new people and new experiences. I like working.

And now that my time up north is coming to an end (my cousin gets her license back next week) I don't know what to do with myself. I have no reason to stay up here, but I have no reason to go "home." Home is just my dad's apartment with FOX news and no food. It's a twin bed and all my stuff stuffed into a small closet. It's living out of bags and boxes. It's not having my car or my dog. It's going to meetings and not feeling comfortable.

I need my own space. I was thinking of going to see my aunt in Indiana and then Jennifer, who is a few states south. Maybe I'll stay the rest of the summer with them. But what do I do in September? I can't imagine another year of this. I'll just have to get a retail job and an apartment somewhere. Start over. The year of self reflection must come to an end.

What to do

Damnit, it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm not going to get any sleep any time soon. And, I have cigarettes, but my insomniac dad is still up reading a book in the living room. No smoking for me. Damn.

I've been talking to Michael all night and the more I think about it the better it seems to go back to school. I mean, I love school. I love learning. I love reading. I love attending lectures. I really do. And I think the topic would hold my interest. Everything will just fall into place. I have to trust that.

Why's it so hard to just let go? Because I don't have the luxury my mom has of being taken care of. I would never just rely on my dad. I've been here 7 months and I feel awful about it. I want to pay rent, or something, but I'm too broke to bring it up. I feel like I have to move out after a year. Anything over a year is just pathetic. Ugh. Just thinking about that is making me sad. 7 months of living at home, basically doing nothing but traveling every now and again and hitting some meetings.

I got rid of my couch and moved everything into cheaper (free) storage at my moms apartment building. I think with the money I'm saving I can move out at the end of the summer. So I'll give myself till September. If I don't have a job by then, I'll get a room with some other folks. Let's go do the budget....

Who, what, when, where?

Has it really been a month? Slipped into a bad spot, then went on some road trips. And I've learned a lot since then. I've learned that I was unhappy to begin with, and I had been complaining about the 9-5 grind, working just to pay the rent. I wasn't having experiences or really living. So I'm going to join the circus.

Yeah, what I meant was, life is odd. It's been 7 months since I was fired and I've had 28 interviews now. 28. That's a lot of place and faces to see and no offer yet. I've been sitting around waiting and doing nothing with myself. I've been sitting arou d the house, waiting. Waiting. I'm done. I need to live, not just exist. I need my life back, even if it looks nothing like what I thought my life would look like by now.

My cousin Tanya just got a DUI. In her state, that means a 90 day licence revocation. She asked me if I would come up and spend the summer with her and her kids. That means a lot of things: I get to teach a 15 year old how to drive, spend a summer near a lake, and workout with my cousin who is a spin and yoga instructor. I'm voting for 6-pack abs by the time I get back.

Back. Where is back? Is home just where my dad is, or is home where I am? What if I just take off and drive from family to friends houses across the country? Why do I have to sit around waiting for more interviews for jobs I don't want?

What do I want? What do I want to do for work?

I'm having an existential crisis.

Obsession

"Obsession is a lie you tell yourself."

I get obsessed all the time. I focus on something I want, or just something, and make it the focal point of my dreams and day dreams. I think about it all the time and plan to make things happen. I plan my future around these things.

I need to stop doing that. These things I "want" aren't reality. I need to not plan around them, or even for them. It's like this whole job thing. The other day my mom told me I need to plan to be here with my dad for at least a year. That just kills me. I planned to be here three months, tops, but what if I don't get a job this round? I already had one place let me know they went with another candidate. What if that happens with all the places I interviewed? I can't just focus on maybe getting a job this time around. It might take me a year.

All I want is a place of my own and a schedule. I want to have to wake up in the morning, instead of forcing myself to get out of bed simply because it's daytime. I want to have something to do. I need money. I'm slowly draining my reserves (getting tattoos isn't helping, neither is the shopping) and I don't have a lot of money coming in. Whoever says people purposefully live on unemployment is full of shit. You can't live off this stuff without help.

And my obsession with Adam. Who am I to know what will come of it. Sometimes I dream that he'll just kiss me, but even I know that's not his way. He just wouldn't do it, so it's unrealistic to think of that. And do I really want him or is it just an obsession? I do love him, but do I love him more as a friend? I don't know. I've just been in love with him so long that I don't know what's real anymore.

What a trip

Had a great trip, which is why I wasn't on here at all. I got my gigantic tattoo done, and starting planning the next one with my artist. I ran the half marathon in pretty good time, and didn't manage to hurt myself or die, which is a miracle.

It was really nice to see everyone. I got to hang out with the girls two nights in a row, and just talk about everything. Michael and I spent a lot of time together (the marathon was a 6 hour drive away), and amazingly didn't get sick of each other. We travel pretty well together, anyway. We drank a lot of diet Coke (he's a fiend). I asked him if he wanted to drink, drink, and he said he really had no interest. I guess I was the instigator.

I miss them all already, but I'll be back there in the beginning of the month.

Running away

Well, I'm off to go run that half marathon I'm totally not prepared for. I haven't been running, and I'm still kind of injured from a few months ago. My foot just has an ache to it that won't go away. It's probably not great that I've been wearing heels to go to interviews, but such is the price of beauty.

Other than being nervous, it will be good to go back cross-country. I can't wait to see all my friends. I've missed them so much! Unfortunately, or fortunately, I'm coming home with a lot of stuff I didn't pack. I have a whole bag of goalie gear that arrived after I left, and a new computer from Michael. He rebuilt an old one for me, cause this one is developing issues. It's old, but I love this computer. I hate traveling with baggage, though.

I suppose everywhere you go you go with baggage.

A little more like home

My mom is bringing my plants over today. It was supposed to frost last night (it's damn cold here!), and so I asked her to take them in from outside. I have more room in here than she does, so they're coming over.

Having my plants will make it feel a little more like I'm home. I love tending to living things, and not having my dog is a little sad. It will be nice to have something that reminds me of having my own apartment.

I had another interview this morning, with a place that I would like to work for. The interviewers seemed nice, and perfectionists, which will inspire me to do my best and not slack off, which I have a tendency to do when I'm bored. It is a position almost identical to what I did before, but should be busier because they have a more expanded mission. There's a little admin work, but it's just the basics like filing, which is fine by me. Easy enough. It's closer to here, too, but I would eventually move into the city to be closer. In the meantime, it will work.

I think I would stay here until January to save a little money. I really want my own place, but saving money is really important.

We're off to see the wizard

I'm getting so ahead of myself. I'm all worried about the commute and where I'm going to live. I don't even have a job yet! I really hope something comes through soon so I can move out.

A thing about moving into the city - I wonder if it would make it really hard to see everyone here all the time. It would take me some time to get here, and I wouldn't have the time to do it on weekdays. I do know a couple of folks who live in the city, and one of them would only be 2 subway stops from me if I worked at the place I interviewed with today. He's a big drinker, but he knows I'm on the wagon and respects that. It would be interesting to live in the city. I've never done it before, and maybe I would take more advantage of what it has to offer. Also, my favorite book store would be a subway stop away.

Living in this area would mean and hour and change commute to the job I interviewed with today, and the one next Wednesday. Oh, and the one next Tuesday. They're all a ride and a transfer, and a ride away. Would it be worth the commute? No. Probably not.

I snuck out

Thanks Adam for the reason to go outside and smoke. When I'm on the phone my dad doesn't ask me where I'm going. I hate that I need a rouse.

So I have some interviews tomorrow, and I've been looking at some apartments in anticipation. I have another day long interview on Tuesday. I hope these pan out. The one tomorrow morning would be nice, but kind of boring and only part time. The one on Tuesday is way above what I have been doing, but if they're interested in me, I must have been doing something right. I didn't even have a phone interview with them, just this day long process. I don't know if that's good or bad. I need to figure out what I should wear tomorrow. Tuesday is more important in the line of full time jobs, but any interview is an important interview.

Adam wondered tonight what was going on in my head around our nap yesterday. He just laughed and let the moment pass without really asking me how I felt or what I was thinking. I don't think he wants to know, but he brought it up in the context of talking about sex.

And you know? I wasn't thinking about sex when we were sleeping together. I was thinking about just being close to him. I don't know if he really gets how I feel about him. Yes, he turns me on like no one ever has, but it's about much more than that. So what am I thinking about yesterday? That was nice. I'd like to do that more often.

No place like home

I actually left the house and bought some cigarettes, and now I just have to convince myself to leave again and go to a meeting.

Just spent the last 4 hours on the phone with Jennifer talking about her big plans to move and go back to school. I'm so proud of her taking on this new adventure. She's in such a great place for a life change, and I think it's the right move. It just sounds like the school and place will be perfect for her. I know moving is stressful (trust me) but when you go someplace you want to be, it all works out. Even living at home, I'm glad I'm here.

More from the front

Alright, so I'm starting to get a little depressed. I feel like I'm a burden already. My mom doesn't live in a dog building, so she's got to give him back to me. That means getting used to a lot of new people and places again, and going through more stress. He's already a mess. I need to get him on Prozac. I also feel like I'm a burden on my dad. I take up room in the fridge, I know his water and electricity bills will go up, I don't know. I just wish I had a place of my own.

My stupid bridesmaids dress just arrived, which Adam find "tragically funny." Me too. It's pretty silly.

I need to get out for another run. It's been rainy and cold, so I've made excuses, but it seems like I should go out every day at 5 when Glen Beck is on. He's starting to convince me of things, and that's really frightening. Plus listening to my dad fight about politics is annoying as hell. Luckily, I spend all day watching Law & Order, so I've got that to fall back on during the day.

Time for my womens meeting. Let's see if I can find a sponsor.

The weekend

It's amazing; I made it through the wedding without drinking. I used my tools: I kept a diet Coke in my hands the entire time, I called other alcoholics, I took breaks where I didn't have to be around the drunks. It went well, though hanging out with the bridesmaids all day while they were drinking was really tempting. But I made it.

A friend of mine says to be careful this week, since I'm probably a little on edge still from going through that and so many other changes. It has only been a week since I moved here, and only two since I was fired. I am eating like crazy, and smoking a lot, but we'll see if I can buck up and run more.

I'm going to that women's retreat this weekend in the city. I hope I can find a sponsor or at least some good women to talk with. I've been calling my contacts from where I moved from, but I know I need some local ladies to call and be able to hang out with. I'm also going to lunch with a friend of mine who doesn't drink, which will be nice.

I am getting a little stressed. I'm sleeping a lot more. I'm trying to stay out of that pattern. Maybe I should go for a run tomorrow morning and start my week over again?

Come on, God

I swear God is testing me. How much can he add to my plate before I start to really get worried? I don't have a job, or a house, my car is far away, so is my dog, and now my mom might have to move because of the dog, and I have to pay $700 for her to move into a dog building. Or I could take him here, but I worry about being in a high rise and him wanting to go out all the time. Plus, I wouldn't be able to leave to go places like meetings and interviews. How selfish of me. I should just bring him here.

But I won't break. I don't want a drink. All I can think of is getting relief from running. I'm trying not to do it through eating or smoking, which is hard to do anyway. I applied somewhere today that is a smoke free workplace, because it's a hospital, and so I would have to quit if I worked someplace like that.

They are all little things, but I feel like I'm being tested. I've had enough crap in my life already that you think I would get a free pass or something. But life is life, and I can't control any of it. All I can do is my best.

Meeting at home

I'm here at home. I am all moved into my dad's place, except, of course, I forgot my shoes in the storage facility.

So far in my less than 48 hours home I've been to three meetings. Adam took me out a few hours after I arrived and I met a few folks whose numbers I got. A nice lady told me about a womens meeting the next morning, and I met a large group of sober women who gave me their numbers. The third meeting I heard about some other good groups to seek out, and I have a book now of all the meetings in the area.

But the funny thing is, I haven't wanted a drink this whole time. I haven't even really thought about it except when others bring it up. In fact, I have no interest in a drink. That would just make me depressed and sorry for myself, which I sure don't need.

I sure do want a cigarette, though. I've had one all day. My dad is retired, so there's no way for me to smoke without making up a weird excuse to leave the house. I think quitting will become inevitable.

So how do I feel? Well, I think.... I think I'm fine, actually. It's weird. I haven't freaked out, or cried, or had any big self-pity feelings. I've actually been just fine. It's weird. I feel like I should be really upset or freaking out. The only thing I don't like is I don't have my car, which makes me feel like I'm stuck, but I can use my dad's car.

Perhaps it will just take a little more time to hit me....

I want, I want

I have to move tomorrow. What the hell am I still doing up? Why can't I sleep? Oh yeah, cause I'm making the biggest change one can make besides getting married or having a baby. I'm moving across the country and leaving everything I know for a place I think I know.

This is big. Maybe I'll stop in Albuquerque and just drop off the map? Maybe make New Mexico my home and become a hermit. Then I won't need an income. Right. I have always wanted to live in New Mexico, but I'm just fine with visiting.

I've also always wanted to live in Boston. Maybe I'll go stay with my uncle for a month and see how it is. Or maybe I'll just visit there, too.

I really want to be home home. I don't want to leave it again permanently. I want to stick around and make it my home again. I want to find a nice place to buy with a yard and three bedrooms. Somewhere safe and yet close to transportation. Somewhere with a chimney and brick facade. A place with bright sun streaming in the windows where I can put my plants. I know just the place and just the neighborhood. Of course, it's gentrified more now than when I left, so I might have to buy someplace I can afford, first. But we're dreaming, here.

I want to find a nice guy who is smart and funny and "settle down." Deep down, I'm pretty old-fashioned. I want a 60th wedding anniversary party. I want to find someone I can really share everything with, and have a couple of kids. One to three. I'm an only child, and I hated it, so maybe two is good.

I want to find a profession I enjoy and am good at, with a nice pensioners fund. Good luck, right? Well, there's always the government.

I want all these simple things, and I want them to happen at home. So I'm going there to find myself, just like I came here to do the same.

And I did. I found boundaries. I found out who I was when my family wasn't around. I learned to love myself and even like myself, too. I found out a lot about who I am and how I work, and now I can take that knowledge home with me.

So here's hoping.

Goodbye big city

I have a lot of stuff. Have you ever looked around your house and really thought about all the stuff you've accumulated over a lifetime?

When I moved here, I had a little four door car with some stuff in it. I had an oriental rug, some cast iron pans, three small boxes of books and clothes, a trunk, and some plants. Seriously. I left that morning, after saying a teary goodbye to Adam (and I swear I cried for two states), and set off into the sunset.

Now I'll be driving into the sun with a Penske full of stuff. I'm leaving with 39 boxes, a bed, a couch, a chair, some bookshelves, and more boxes of books. 7, to be exact. And a dog.

I've had a life, here. I had put down my roots and settled in for the time being. I knew one day I would move back, but who knew "one day" would come so soon?

I got my last look at the city skyline today. It really is beautiful. I always enjoy seeing it. And with the sun setting and the fog rolling in, it was even more beautiful. So goodbye, temporary home. It has been wonderful. I'll miss your people, your weather, your fascinating politics. But it's time to say goodbye. It's time to go home, for good.

There's something in the air

A bunch of my friends have been effected by job woes this week, or are disgruntled. I know two people who were fired yesterday from my old job, two people who are disgruntled and looking to flee, and one who's just disgruntled. It's pretty crazy. And then there's me, looking to leave this job, but hoping for the prospect of another. There must be something in the alignment of the planets.

So I'm still fixated on getting this job. At this point, I just need to know: yes or no. I am obviously hoping for yes, but I just would like to get on with my life one way or another. It's the impatience part of me again. Oh, character defects, how you bring me to my knees.

I've really got to tackle that one. It just brings on anxiety when I'm waiting for something to happen, though when I know it's going to happen, I feel calm. It's just waiting for the yes or no that drives me up a wall.

Nerves

I'm not ready for bed just yet, even though I sleep a lot and am usually winding down about now. I'm really wound up about this interview on Thursday. I had a dream that I was doing the interview and they asked me if I would take the job, so now that I do have an interview, I'm nervous that I'll get the job.

It means so much change! Change I'm looking forward to, but change nonetheless. Packing, moving, unpacking. The little things are the things I like to do. I enjoy getting projects done like changing my address and renting a truck. But it means so much more than that.

If I get this job, I could be home this month. I could be back home with my family. It would mean changing my lifestyle a bit, because I would have people I need to pay more attention to. I could have lunch with my step-grandmother instead of calling her once a month. I could start going to church with my dad again. My mom and I can go grocery shopping (we both love the grocery store). I can go to meetings with Adam. I can have lunch with my best friend and get to know her baby. I can get closer to all my cousins again.

I'm really looking forward to it all, but it's still really nerve wracking. Am I making the right choice? I suppose God is in charge here, and if I'm meant to go home, then I'll hear about it on Thursday.

Another interview

So I have another interview with this company. It'll be interview number 4. I can't believe they're taking so long! I just want to know: yes or no. I feel like I'm waiting for the starting gun. I either need to start packing, or I need to start looking hard for another opportunity. I understand why they need to meet with me again, this time it would be with my boss and her boss. I get it.

On my computer at home I have the windows for the apartment I'm looking at, the post office's moving program, and the Penske truck. I'm just waiting. I'm so nervous. I really hope I get this position. I want to be out of here, soon.

UPDATE: The HR guy and I just set a time for us to meet on Thursday. He said, "It's down to the wire, Anne. I hope next time I talk to you I'll be saying welcome to the company!" I have a fan. I really hope he's right, and they tell me on Thursday. Then I can get this show on the way to the road!

Diane amazes me.

I have done nothing but eat since I got here. Tandoori food, scallops, lamb chops, all sorts of rich and bad for diet foods. But I've had a lot of fun doing it. I've been out with my cousin Diane, too.

She talked to her son before we went out, and was telling him we'd probably split a bottle of wine on a cruise of the river. Her son said, "You'll be surprised. She's a changed woman." This is the kid we call Nancy Reagan. He's been sober all his life, and will never, I doubt, pick up a drink or a drug, unlike the rest of his family. We're all alcoholics and drug addicts, especially his mom.

Diane and I went to dinner. I told her I'd joined AA, and guess what? She was proud of me. We made a little fun of AA, spouting the slogans. I know it's all true: one day at a time, plug in the jug, etc., but sometimes it's corny and funny. I have an interesting sense of humor. I thought she was going to disuade me from the whole thing. I really thought she was going to be awful about it. But she was great. She even offered not to drink during dinner in case it would be a trigger for me.

She was the only worry for me. I knew everyone else would be supportive, but I didn't expect her to be.

Sometimes people really surprise you. This was a great surprise.