29 and counting

Had my 29th interview the other day, and it went just as well as the other 28. They want me to come in for interview number 30. But my dream job just opened up up north, and I'm praying they call me! It's for a premier psychiatric institution with researchers and clients. I would be so pleased to be there. Hopefully they call me for an interview.

I really like being up north for the summer. Its not as hot here, and I'm spending some real quality time with my cousin and her kids. Its also really nice to be out of the apartment. Dad is great, but I was struggling there. AA meetings here are fascinating. All backwoods rednecks (theres a dude who doesnt even wear a shirt) but I love it. I would move north in a heartbeat. I've always loved it here. I spent my summers up here, and holidays. It just makes me happy.

But I'm hesitant. Why? Adam. I want us to be together, but I cant put my life on hold for him. I have to go where the jobs are. But I wish we could make something work. It would help if he wanted it. But I dont even mention it anymore. My cousin is obsessed. She met him when we went down for a weekend and said, "you light up when he's around!" i didn't even think about it, but I do! It's kind of frustrating. He's hard to gauge. A few months ago he said he wasnt looking for anything, so I will hold that as the truth until he tells me differently. I just have to go on and make my own plans.

Fat sucks

Talking to Jennifer this morning about my upcoming 29th interview, and she said, "isn't that e day of your one year anniversary?" Oh yeah! It is! I didn't even think about it. So it appears I'll be home for it instead of up north. I'll have to find a good chip meeting to go to. I don't really know which one. Maybe I can convince Adam to take me. It would be nice to celebrate with friends.

I still have no idea how I'm going to celebrate. But I've got to do something. I suppose a nice dinner, but I'm starting to get paranoid about being fat. I'm back where I used to live this week, staying with Michael, and he told me I'm fat. "you're just jigglier than before." thanks. My mom told me I'm getting "sloppy." What do you expect from 4 months of horrid depression, unemployment, and anti-psychotics? Whatever. Weni got up north I'm going to be running a lot and hopefully eating well. I figure if I really try, I can drop 15 pounds in 2 months. I need to drop 30, but half is good. I can take it from there.

Ok, I might not get to update again till I get home on Tuesday. I go to finish my tattoo on Monday and then I'm back home, and then off to the north.

What's on my mind

I was talking to Michael again tonight, and he said some stuff that I need to think about. We were talking about me going back to school and finding a job in the meantime, since I need to pay for it somehow.

"You're not cut out for corporate culture. You're a dirty hippie. Not in a bad way, but you just don't fit in with the schmoozers." He's totally right. I hate schmoozing. I hate "managing up" and all that bullshit. I want a group of my peers running things. And I think that's what I'll find in academia. I don't know. I really don't.

I talked to my cousin today and her license was only suspended for 60 days, so I have till July 18 to get my ass in shape. I think that's doable. I'll drive her around, go to meetings, study for the GRE, and run. Sounds like a good summer to me!

A summer ramble

I suppose my brain has been like this blog; off and on for months now. I keep falling into these depressions or just wormholes and then coming back out even better on the other side.

Still no job, and no more interviews, but I'm reaching out to fields I hadn't considered before. I'm going up north to help out my cousin in a couple of weeks for the summer, and I think I'm just going to put off job hunting till I get back in August. August. Wow. In September it will have been a year since I lost my job and moved home. What an incredible year it's been; full of ups and downs.

Speaking of years, on May 27th I'll have a year sober. Only 20 more days. It's just a miracle to me that I got sober when I did. If I had had to face this year drunk I would be dead, I know it. But one day at a time, one decision at a time, I've made it this far, still alive, still sober. I can't wait to collect my one year chip. I'm going to have to frame it, I think.

I went to a meeting tonight that was dual diagnosis (mental illness and addiction) which was pretty interesting. One guy had 10 years and said it really was all just one day at a time. It was changing his attitude to be calmer about things and to turn elsewhere in times of trouble, somewhere other than the bottle.

I like meetings. I do. I think AA is entertaining at least, and can be fun. I meet some good folks most of the time, but I've just had so many off-putting experiences here. Back where I used to live was just so much more... comfortable. I'm going to try AA up north this summer and see if the meetings are good. There are 2 meetings a week in the small town I'm going to. Maybe my cousin would even go with me. I don't want to push her, but I'm sure being in AA will be good for her. Or at least Al-Anon.