I like me

Could just be the depression talking, but I've got to admit some things to myself: I don't really like running. I don't get stressed and think, "A good run will make me feel better." In fact, I usually think I should think that. And although I loved being a size 6, I'm perfectly comfortable naked at any size. I'm not ashamed of my body. In fact, I think it's pretty awesome. I'm sexy, and curvy, and covered in tattoos, and I love it.

So why do I try so hard? Why do I run anyway? Why do I keep going back to Weight Watchers? Because I worry. I worry that I won't look good in the kind of clothes I want to wear. I worry my tattoos will expand if I get fat again. I worry, I worry, I worry. And needlessly, methinks.

So I'm going to stop fooling myself. I'm ok the way I am. If I buy clothes I like in sizes that fit, it doesn't matter what size that is. My body is healthy and seems to settle at this weight, so let it be. Stop trying to be someone you're not. I've never been an athlete, so why force it? Just. Be. Me.

Be all you can be

Be a nice girl, Michael says.

I am a nice girl. I go by a code of morals and rules that come from the Golden Rule and do no harm. I try to be good to people. But I've always tried to be the bad girl. The drunk, high, smoking, girl in black with tattoos and combat boots. I wanted multi-colored hair but couldn't do it because of work. I'm always dressed normally, and nicely, for work. In the past year it's all changed. I've lost the smoking, drinking, and getting high. I have almost all nice clothes and nothing skanky at all. I wear high heels.

I know none of this makes me a "bad" girl or a "good" girl, but I've always wanted to be a bad girl. It's not going to happen. I suppose I just need to be myself.

Something funny happened on the way to the basement

Reverb asks, what's the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? Well, we've already discussed the gift of unemployment, my gift of Europe to myself, Adam's Christmas kiss, and the fact that Angry Birds on the iPad has become an amazing gift of laziness, but there's a nice little gift I just received for the end of the year.

There's a little store downstairs in my dad's apartment building. He has just the basics: laundry detergent, boxed dinners, wine, laundry, and packages. He's a busy guy, with two buildings and 18 floors each of apartments. He seems to know everyone, and is always smiling and chatting when I go down to get packages. He's helped me numerous times by emailing when something urgent comes in.

The other day my dad went down to get something and Mohammed looked especially busy. "You know, my daughter is unemployed. She could help you during the holidays." And so it began. I brushed off my dad's comment when he told me later, but this morning Mohammed emailed me and asked me to come down. Because I can't say no, I went.

And something funny happened. I walked in and immediately he began showing me how to do stuff and telling me how much things were. "So when you get the laundry you tag it like this," he said, showing me where to staple those little pink tags you get on your dry cleaning. Apparently they go through dry cleaning just fine. I always wondered. "Always check id. It's not worth the fine."

"I'm going home overseas next month, and I'll put you in charge. You're responsible. You've worked retail before, right?" "Right," I said. Though it's been a while.

And so right then and there, Mohammed trusted me with his store. Someone saw something in me and gave me responsibility without even seeing me in action. Someone hired me. I know, it's not a full-time job, and it's not permanent, but someone saw fit to hire me after an interview. I'm not worthless, after all. I can work. And with that simple little action, Mohammed gave me some self-esteem back.

Negativity in a positive world

So the negative self-talk thing. I know how to solve it; you just start being nicer to yourself. You repeat good phrases, like when Adam says, "I am lovable and capable." You just can tell yourself something good instead of something bad. But why do we do it?

"Sometimes we initiate negative self-talk because we are afraid of a new experience or a scary or uncomfortable situation." Scary and uncomfortable is definitely where I start to tell myself the bad things. But I know I can't control anything, which is probably why I'm scared.

When Erin talked the other day she said, "When I was drunk I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. And then when I got sober I realized that really, I was afraid of everything and everyone." I'm not scared of anything, I thought, but I am really scared of being jobless for a long time. I don't want to do it, and the longer it takes to find a job the more down on myself I get. I worry that no one will want me; that it's obvious I can't do the position. This is all just negative self-talk, I know.

But, "The first step toward change is to become more aware of the problem." I'm already there, which has to be a good sign.

Building self-esteem

I feel like a fool sometimes for loving Adam. I know that's "negative self-talk" but I'm not full of serenity enough to do any better right now. Mr. Sponorpants says about self-esteem, "Look at your using history and your time sober and consider that you may just have to wait for a bit for your brain chemistry to catch up with the rest of your sobriety."

6 months isn't a lot of time, and I've been smoking, which is also a depressant. I figure by a year I'll have a little more chemical balance, and be able to start working on how I really feel. But right now, I feel like a fool. When you love someone and they don't love you (like that) back, it just makes you feel like an idiot for doing it in the first place. I'd like to not feel like this anymore.

So what can I do to build self-esteem in the meantime, while my chemicals even out? Perhaps the running will help. I need to not base my self-esteem on how men see me, which is a common problem of mine. Perhaps being celibate is a really good idea, though it's killing me to even think of another 6 months in a "dry spell."

What else? Getting a job would really help, but I have no control over that. I just called one of the places I interviewed, the job I really want, to see if I could answer more questions, but I stumbled through the message and sounded like an idiot. More negative self-talk, I know, but it's the truth.

How do you separate the two? What is the truth, and what's just being down on yourself?