I'm in: Stop Self Hate

There's a lovely lady on Twitter (VoiceinRecovery) who decided to start a new campaign to stop self hate. "Because I am ready. I want to prevent eating disorders, self hate, self harm, and radically work towards self love, respect," she says.

And how do you stop self hate? Well, it's the little things. It's all about the self care things you do everyday like eating right, but not obsessing over it. Exercising, but not too much. Everything in moderation. Just being comfortable with yourself. One of the things I've started doing is buying myself flowers. They brighten up my room and keep me happy. I always get different types so that I can have different colors and blooms.

Some things I can do to love myself a little more is forgive myself for gaining some weight. It's ok. I've been through a lot lately, and it's ok to have fallen a bit off track. It doesn't mean I'm a loser or hideous or anything. In fact, I'm probably at a healthier weight now. My body has settled. I need to be ok with it, even if it means buying bigger clothes.

So what can you do to love yourself a little more? Be a little less judgmental? Show yourself the kindness you would a friend.

Stop self hate.

Lipstick makes me feel better

For some reason, just the act of putting on lipstick can brighten my day. I suppose it's the feeling of actually doing something for myself. A little self-care. I don't know. But it definitely makes me feel better.

I have a great pinkish coral shade I found in Paris that I love to wear. It's really bright, and definitely a statement. I wore it on my birthday. I love to put it on. It just makes me feel empowered for some reason! Right now I put on a pale pink. It was the first one I saw on my counter, and it seemed like the way to go today.

I've been thinking about makeup lately. I don't wear any unless I'm going out on a special occasion. I'm just really too lazy to do it everyday, and I never thought I needed it. But lately I've been thinking about how uneven my skin tone is becoming. I don't know if it's aging or the change in climate, but I think I might need to start wearing makeup. I have some, and I like it. It's really light and almost invisible. Perhaps I'll start experimenting while I'm unemployed.

Spring cleaning

I was reading more on stuff to add for Lent, and this site had an interesting thing: pick a theme. One was simplicity. "Simplicity - Simplify your life by getting rid of material goods that are not giving you joy. You can make a goal to donate, sell, or get rid of an item each day of Lent."

All the things that don't give you joy. Wow. I like that. So I think it's time to take some trash bags and go through my storage facility. I tried to do it today, but I forgot bags and empty boxes for excess stuff. I managed to grab one box and give mom half (it had canned goods). When I left I was in such a hurry that I just threw everything into boxes. And I mean EVERYTHING. If there was a dust bunny on the floor it probably ended up in storage.

So I need to go through and get rid of some things. I'm sure it's chock full of crap. I did get rid of those 5 boxes of books, but I found two more boxes of books under the kitchen stuff. And do I need all that kitchen stuff? Do I need my window shades? I mean, really. They fit two specifically sized windows, and they're not even the same size. I like them though. They give me joy.

This is going to be hard.

Birthdays a comin

Well, it's birthday week. I'm taking myself to a spa on my birthday instead of to the beach. Even Jennifer gave me crap for thinking of it. "It's like the Awakening!" Remember that book? The depressed woman wanders off into the ocean to die? I hated that book when I first read it because I knew instinctively that was my mom. And now here I am, playing off the damn book. So I'm not going to the beach.

I am getting a mud wrap, a manicure, and a pedicure. I think it'll be lovely. Then I'll treat myself out to lunch somewhere in the city. My aunt wants to have dinner with me, and she has to babysit the 2 and 2 month old at the same time. Not exactly my idea of fun, but you do what you gotta do.

How's the rest of the week going? Frustrating. I'm doing some side work for a company so I'm procrastinating right now, but I'll get it done. I was supposed to hear from the place up north yesterday and haven't yet, so I just emailed her again. I hope the place here doesn't call me this week. Why? I really don't want that job.

I know, I know, I'm sick of looking and I'm broke and I need to move out of here, but I don't want a job I don't like. And if I've got unemployment to cover me then I don't HAVE to take it... but I'm sure I would if they offered it. I just need something. I can't live like this.

Chaos rules the day

I gathered my strength and drove to the neighboring state for an interview today, and when I got back home my dad and my aunt had taken over my room. They moved all the furniture to the middle of the room and then painted. Everything is piled high, but luckily I had most of it in boxes in storage already.

"I want them to start in your room first," dad says. Which is good, because then they'll be out of my room first and I can re-arrange it the way I want. But they took down the curtain. So I'm sitting here exposed to the street. We're on the 6th floor, but it's pretty much at eye level with the hill in front of the apartment building. The building across the street was torn down, so I have a nice view of the office building two streets away. I bet the cleaning ladies don't care what I'm up to, but it's creepy to be so exposed. I don't even know where the curtains are, or I'd put them back up.

So I went to therapy. "My life is chaos. I want to cry. I think the meds are working, cause I'm not suicidal, but I sure as hell am depressed." And Julie gave me the speech: there are people worse off than you, you have a lot going for you, the universe is aligning to help you out, blah blah blah, go buy yourself flowers. So I did. Pretty, purple tulips.

I wandered the aisles of CVS for over an hour and bought all sorts of shit I didn't need, like new lipstick, and shit I did, like travel size contact cleaner. Then I went to the grocery store and bought 100-calorie packs of Oreos and some ice cream. I grabbed the flowers and, feeling a little better, walked home.

I get home and dad says, "Aren't you allergic to flowers? I am. Your mom is, too." No, actually, I'm cool. I can't stand the high perfumey ones, but tulips are fine. Then he tries to talk to me about moving stuff again, and how I need to put more stuff in boxes. So I ran away and took a nice hot shower. I even shaved my legs and then plucked my eyebrows. Self care. A little self-love.

And I still feel insane. I need to move out and be in control of my own life again!

The list keeps expanding

I keep returning to the refrigerator just thinking that I should be eating something. Instead, each time I open it I grab another square of chocolate and make myself another cup of coffee. I'm being very nutritious today. I've had that, a bowl of cereal, and some yogurt. Granted, there are no fruits or vegetables in the house. I suppose that's on the list of things to do this week: go to the grocery store and buy supplies. Maybe I'll even think of a recipe and get some ingredients.

I need to do a lot this week. I have to go to storage and bring all the books from here, as well as find my equipment for hockey. I signed up for a meetup to play on Fridays, and I have no idea where it could be in there. I know it's there somewhere.... I also have to call the doc, and apparently, get a haircut. My dad came home tonight from his trip and almost the first thing he said was you need a haircut. Thanks dad. So that goes on the list.

There's a lot of self-care that needs to go on that list. I haven't had my eyebrows done in a month, and that's usually something I don't let go too long. I like to have nicely sculpted eyebrows. It just makes me feel better. So haircut and eyebrows this week are essential. Maybe I'll even stay and get my toes done. A little self-love.

I ran!

I got my ass off the sinking spot on the couch where I spend my days and went to the gym. I ran for 40 minutes, completing not a lot of miles. I'm supposed to be doing 9 miles on Sunday. I'm not sure I'll make it, but I'm going to do at least 6. I promised myself I would get as far as the highway.

Treating myself well, including eating well today, has made my day a little better. I feel more refreshed now that I've worked out. I even inspired Michael to work out today. He's definitely planning on doing 9 this weekend, but he says he's going to do it tomorrow - Christmas.

I can't wait for Christmas. I love it so much. I love just seeing my dad in the Santa hat opening his presents. I love listening to my cousin's excitement as he opens every gift - he just gets so riled up! I love Christmas.

So I'm going to enjoy the holiday and try to be good to myself some more.

A wellness toolbox

Develop a wellness toolbox

Come up with a list of things that you can do for a quick mood boost. Include any strategies, activities, or skills that have helped in the past. The more “tools” for coping with depression, the better. Try and implement a few of these ideas each day, even if you’re feeling good.

1. Spend some time in nature.
2. List what you like about yourself.
3. Read a good book.
4. Watch a funny movie or TV show.
5. Take a long, hot bath.
6. Listen to music.
7. Take care of a few small tasks.
8. Play with a pet.
9. Write in your journal.
10. Do something spontaneous.

A little self loving

Like any addiction, love addiction therapy recommends self-care as a tool to healing. Something I'm doing for self-care right now is listening to Christmas music. I love it so much. I can't wait for this time of year. I decorate, make Christmas cookies, listen non-stop to Christmas music, and pray for snow. It really is the most wonderful time of the year for me.

Some other things I'm doing for self-care are eating well, blogging (it's like journaling, which spell-check says is not a word), thinking about exercising (ok, so I did it once this week. Maybe I'll get out there again), and spending quality time with my dad and grandma. I suppose napping is self-care, but not at the rate I do it. I sleep all the time, which is probably a bad thing. I'm just so tired. I can't seem to sleep at night, and then I sleep during the day, almost all day. When I get up I just don't have the energy for anything. I need to fix that before I hit a bad depression.

What else can I do for self-care? I can take a hot shower. I'm freezing in here, and I need to wash my hair. I only do it every 3 days or so, because it's better for colored hair. I have this nice shampoo and conditioner that I treated myself to. It's nice to take a long shower like that. I wonder what else I can do?

How don't you know?

Ok, so that last bit has been making me think a lot more. Ten years ago I was 20. I was in college, living at home, and had just made a friend with someone in my class, finally. She took me to a bar where I ended up going every night for the next 5 years. I lived in that bar. I took home half the male population of that bar, or more like it, they took me to their car and then I came back and drank more. I was 20, what do you want? So I was a bit of a slut. Oh yeah, and yes, I was drinking underage. Oops. No one seemed to care, and I didn't either.

That bar is where I met my dear friend Amanda. It's where Emily and I left and she got pulled over by the cops, and got a DUI. It's where many a man has serenaded me from the stage, and many a beer has been poured on my shoes. It's where Halloween was every day, and where I broke up fights. It's where I sang God Bless America on holidays with the boys, and where I met Adam.

I don't remember the first time we met, but I do remember a lot of the times we talked. We would be standing behind the dj picking through the book for our next song to sing, and he would give me that great, sexy look he gives. Or he would be playing pool with someone I knew and I would sit on the stools and look on. I saw him everywhere, and I loved to hear him up on stage. His voice. Oh, his voice. He mostly sang rock songs, but there was still something soft to it. And there was always something in his eyes.

Ah, a wounded animal. Just my type. We found each other one night away from the bar and connected over finishing a party's keg. Our eyes met, our lips met, and that was it for me. I could never look at him the same, and I could never look away. Something just happened to me. Some sort of magnetism.

Amanda and I were talking about it today, and we just came up blank. There's just something about him, something you can't put your finger on. He just has the je n'sais quoi. And it's like a tractor beam to me.

Sometimes, most of the time, I don't want to love him like I do. I want to just be friends with him, want to love him like a brother. I just want to care about him, and for him, but not want to be with him, not want to give him anything he asks for. But I can't seem to shake it. And it's killing me that he doesn't know how he feels, so he says. How can you not know? Not knowing is code for I don't feel that way, and I wish he would just say it. I wish he would stop acting like he wants me, but I know he can't. He's a Lothario. He's Casanova. He just loves women, and women love him. I don't think he knows how to just be friends with a girl without touching and flirting.

No matter what happens with he and I, I'll probably have to teach him one day. I want to be the last woman he flirts with, but I may end up being the one to teach him about just being friends. Ugh, I don't want to just be friends. I need to make up my mind: can I handle this or not? There's always something in the way, like he doesn't know how he feels, or the meds make him not know, or I don't have a year yet. All bullshit. He needs to know. He has to know. How can you not know how you feel about someone!? I'm so sure....

Five year plan

Reverb tonight asks what I would say to myself if I could talk to me 5 years from now. What advice would I give? What would that 5 years wiser (and still young) woman say to this lost and confused one?

I can only imagine she'd say, "Don't worry, we're all lost and confused. Sure, you were, as they say, down on your luck for a while, but you know what? It was a really great period of growth for you. Don't you remember how great 2010 was? All the things you did? All the things you gave up? You should have been a little more proud of yourself instead of focusing your self-worth on the fact that you got fired from a job you hated, and by a crazy person. Really, Anne! Come on, now, give yourself a pat on the back for not drinking through that one."

Because she's me, she wouldn't ruin any of the surprises, either. "Where do you end up getting a job? Well, you'll just have to wait and see. You'll have to go through it to find out if you and Adam ever become anything but good friends. And marriage? Children? Honestly, 5 years from now? Maybe a stretch for you, love."

I really wonder what she'll look like. Will her hair be shorter? Will it be going grey or will she be coloring it? Will cigarettes have aged her face though she no longer smokes? Does she smoke again? Is she still sober? I hope she's just as amazing then as she is now.

Ah, young me, you were so cool

Dear self,

You didn't do anything wrong. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, because I know you'll never listen - you never do, you just jump. I'm here to tell you that your instincts have been pretty right on. You know what you want, and you go and get it. You're doing a great job.

I'll tell you some things you already know: that degree? Just a pretty piece of paper, and no, you'll never frame it. It's in the closet at dad's house still in the roll they mailed it in. But it's a pretty green roll. And, yeah, rely on that counseling office a little more. I think you can get out of it more than they're giving, though they'll always be really good to you. Just try a little harder.

You made the right friend back there, and she took you to a place that will give you friends for life, and the love of your life. You already know him, you just don't think of him like that. He's just a sweet and crazy guy, right now, but really look in his eyes - you love him. You still do. You always will.

And that's the one thing I might want to tell you: it's about him. But you know what? I'm not going to. Things turn out the way they're supposed to, and right now there's a me in the future writing to the current me and telling me how it all worked out. Or how it's still going on. But I won't spoil the surprises for you. Just keep up the good work.

Oh, and maybe just throw away the sharp things. You can't hide them from her, but maybe hide them from you.

Love always,

Anne

Life mantra

Don't sell yourself short, and don't act out of desperation.

Michael told me this today, and said it applied both to my job hunt and dating life. I need to be a little more picky about what I choose to do and who I choose to be with. I haven't been very picky thus far; dating anyone who asked and taking any job that wanted me because I felt desperate to get out of whatever situation I was in.

But I'm worth more than that. I can do better than whatever comes along. I can be picky. It doesn't make me elitist or stuck up, it just means I know myself. I can't take a job where I'm going to be bored, because then I'll just slack off and get myself fired again for not doing anything (least that's the reason of the week). And I can find a man with whom I can share conversation, activities, and love. Someone who wants to be around me all the time, but can be without me too. Someone I can talk to and who can talk to me.

So don't settle for whatever comes your way. Be picky. Don't act just to act. Show yourself some love and self-care.

Negativity in a positive world

So the negative self-talk thing. I know how to solve it; you just start being nicer to yourself. You repeat good phrases, like when Adam says, "I am lovable and capable." You just can tell yourself something good instead of something bad. But why do we do it?

"Sometimes we initiate negative self-talk because we are afraid of a new experience or a scary or uncomfortable situation." Scary and uncomfortable is definitely where I start to tell myself the bad things. But I know I can't control anything, which is probably why I'm scared.

When Erin talked the other day she said, "When I was drunk I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. And then when I got sober I realized that really, I was afraid of everything and everyone." I'm not scared of anything, I thought, but I am really scared of being jobless for a long time. I don't want to do it, and the longer it takes to find a job the more down on myself I get. I worry that no one will want me; that it's obvious I can't do the position. This is all just negative self-talk, I know.

But, "The first step toward change is to become more aware of the problem." I'm already there, which has to be a good sign.

Focus

How do you focus on yourself without being selfish?

Adam tells me I need to focus on myself a little. Pull out the sober and examine it. I know this is part of the steps that I need to do - take the next year to really focus on me and my feelings, needs, etc. And I can do that. With the help of my therapist and my sponsor, I can do that. I have supportive friends, family, and a new network of lovely sober people to lean on.

But how do you do that without being selfish? How do you stop worrying if others are ok all the time and ask yourself if you're ok? How do you stop in a situation and ask yourself if you are doing what is best for you? Adam calls it "doing the next right thing," when you take that step that is best for you.

So what's best for me? Getting away from my mom sure was the next right step. But what comes next? Where do I need to head now? When I think about it, I know that I need to work on getting better work. I need to work on being sober, and quitting smoking. I need to not drink so many damn diet Cokes, for crying out loud. But what about the bigger picture? Where am I going?