Michael

Michael is trying to "break up" with me again. He says our relationship makes him feel angsty. I can imagine. He wants to be with me, and up until a few weeks ago I thought I was moving back out there. I think we were both thinking we would give it another go and see how things went, and then I got into grad school and decided to stay. He's a little mad about that. And rightfully so. The situation just changed so fast.

But I don't feel guilty. This is what I've always wanted, and now's my chance for it. I feel like I would really regret it if I missed this opportunity. And plus, I don't really care about getting married or having kids. If it happens, cool, if not, whatever. No biggie. I think that's what he really wanted to see happen.

But what can I do?

Under the stars

I talked to Michael for a long time last night. I was lying on the trampoline in the back yard staring at the stars...listening to the Yeti in the woods....

We talked a lot about our relationship, and how we were both less mature back then. It has been 6 years since we met, so one would hope we've grown since then. I don't know. I don't think marriage with him would be a bad idea. He's a great guy, he loves me, and he would do anything for me. We travel well together, I enjoy talking to him, and he's really interesting. I love his family, and he, well, he tolerates mine.

Isn't that enough? What more can you ask for?

The toad prince

Tonight I sat outside on the phone and talked to Jennifer, Adam, and Michael. The whole time a giant toad sat two feet from me and stared. I don't know what he wanted, but he kept coming back. I tried to touch him twice, and he hopped away, but came back.

Adam worried me a bit this weekend when he was hanging on me and making comments about spending alone time together. I wanted to see how he was doing, and he's fine. Just the normal situations in his head. He's still working on him, which is important, and learning how to be alone (not in a relationship). It took me years to do that, so I expect nothing from him. "I have a lot of questions, and you don't have the answers," I said. He's just in a place where his spiritual development comes first, and I don't think he's even thinking about me. That hurts, a little. I want him to think about me; to think about us and all the possibilities there. But he doesn't, and that's got to be ok with me. I know I say this a lot, but I've just got to accept that he doesn't want to be with me, and move on.

And then there's Michael. Michael wants to marry me. He's asked a few times now, and he's coming out here in August to run a race with me. He is determined. I love Michael, I do, but there's no spark there. He's a great guy and a really good friend, but I don't crave him like I crave Adam.

My cousin keeps reminding me there are other people out there besides the two of them. I can look elsewhere. Perhaps someone who makes me feel that spark but who also wants me like Michael does. If I could just smush them together and create one man, that would be optimal! I don't have to settle for Michael, I'm in no rush to get married right now, and I don't have to wait for Adam. I can find someone entirely new.

But I don't want to. I want that familiarity. I want to feel as loved as Michael makes me feel, and I want that rush that Adam gives me. I feel like I'm going to cave under Michael's pressure. He does offer stability, love, and health insurance.

Maybe I should just disappear for a bit....Go off to toad princess land.

One day at a time

All things resolve themselves in time. That's why it's one day at a time, right?

My mom said something interesting to me. "What if your father thinks you getting tattoos is a rejection of him, and that's why he doesn't want you to show them off to him." Oh. I never thought about it like that. Maybe it's not a rejection of me, maybe he thinks it's about him. Maybe the best course of action is to not take it personally and to just continue not showing my tattoos around him. Let it go. No resentments.

I can't seem to sleep tonight. But that's fine, since both Adam and Michael are coming home from long trips and have stuff they want to talk about. I feel bad sitting here upstairs talking at midnight, but I'm sure my typing could be heard around the house as well. Adam went racing this weekend, which sounded like fun! It sounds like he did a good job, too. Michael went camping with a bunch of my old friends, and I'm a little jealous, but oh well.

Fat sucks

Talking to Jennifer this morning about my upcoming 29th interview, and she said, "isn't that e day of your one year anniversary?" Oh yeah! It is! I didn't even think about it. So it appears I'll be home for it instead of up north. I'll have to find a good chip meeting to go to. I don't really know which one. Maybe I can convince Adam to take me. It would be nice to celebrate with friends.

I still have no idea how I'm going to celebrate. But I've got to do something. I suppose a nice dinner, but I'm starting to get paranoid about being fat. I'm back where I used to live this week, staying with Michael, and he told me I'm fat. "you're just jigglier than before." thanks. My mom told me I'm getting "sloppy." What do you expect from 4 months of horrid depression, unemployment, and anti-psychotics? Whatever. Weni got up north I'm going to be running a lot and hopefully eating well. I figure if I really try, I can drop 15 pounds in 2 months. I need to drop 30, but half is good. I can take it from there.

Ok, I might not get to update again till I get home on Tuesday. I go to finish my tattoo on Monday and then I'm back home, and then off to the north.

What's on my mind

I was talking to Michael again tonight, and he said some stuff that I need to think about. We were talking about me going back to school and finding a job in the meantime, since I need to pay for it somehow.

"You're not cut out for corporate culture. You're a dirty hippie. Not in a bad way, but you just don't fit in with the schmoozers." He's totally right. I hate schmoozing. I hate "managing up" and all that bullshit. I want a group of my peers running things. And I think that's what I'll find in academia. I don't know. I really don't.

I talked to my cousin today and her license was only suspended for 60 days, so I have till July 18 to get my ass in shape. I think that's doable. I'll drive her around, go to meetings, study for the GRE, and run. Sounds like a good summer to me!

Love is in the air

I'm so tired. I was up until 5am just messing around on the internet and talking to Michael on the phone. It's weird: he hates the phone, but has called me twice this month. I don't know what's up with him. He told me last night he might start dating this girl he met, but he's not sure yet. I think he feels guilty or something. I think it's great! I want him to meet a nice girl and get the love and care he deserves. I know I can't provide it for him, so it's good he gets it.

Speaking of dating, I think I went on a date this morning. I met a guy, Roger, online and we met up and toured a museum today. I don't know if it counts as a date or just getting to know someone as a friend. He's a complete geek, but of course, all my friends are geeks.

I really don't want to be dating someone. I think I'm getting curmudgeonly in my old age. I don't want to date. I'm perfectly fine being single. And now the Celexa and gaining weight have taken away my sex drive, so I don't even care anymore. Is that bad?

Back to the point: I'm exhausted. Is it too early to go to bed?

Going back where I belong

Michael and I are running in a marathon at the end of the month, for which neither of us is in marathon shape. Luckily, we're both horribly stubborn and have high pain tolerances. I think we can run half of it (we've both done a lot of half marathons) and then just suffer the last half. We could even walk it. But he wants that medal and I want to earn my burrito.

I'm excited about going out there. I'm getting more tattoo work done, which always makes me happy. I'm going hardcore this time and getting work done on my arm. I've officially lost my mind and become that girl, the one with the tattoos. I have one on my arm already, but this will be big and no hiding it without a sweater kind of tattoo. I'm excited! I don't even know what it looks like. My artist Charles just drew it and I'm going to see it for the first time right before it goes on. I'm sure if I hate it we'll make changes, but I trust him a lot. Plus, it's based on a design I already have, so it's not too far from anything.

I'm also going to get to see all (almost, Jennifer moved) my friends. We're going to get together and have a picnic after the marathon. Michael and I should be sufficiently dead, but he wants it then, so let him plan.

I've even got my suitcase half packed and I don't leave for 10 days. Can you tell I'm excited?

Life mantra

Don't sell yourself short, and don't act out of desperation.

Michael told me this today, and said it applied both to my job hunt and dating life. I need to be a little more picky about what I choose to do and who I choose to be with. I haven't been very picky thus far; dating anyone who asked and taking any job that wanted me because I felt desperate to get out of whatever situation I was in.

But I'm worth more than that. I can do better than whatever comes along. I can be picky. It doesn't make me elitist or stuck up, it just means I know myself. I can't take a job where I'm going to be bored, because then I'll just slack off and get myself fired again for not doing anything (least that's the reason of the week). And I can find a man with whom I can share conversation, activities, and love. Someone who wants to be around me all the time, but can be without me too. Someone I can talk to and who can talk to me.

So don't settle for whatever comes your way. Be picky. Don't act just to act. Show yourself some love and self-care.

Is this rude?

We were supposed to try and go out to lunch, Adam and I. I told him I couldn't go til 1, and he wrote back that 1 was not good, so I asked about 2pm. He never responded. I understand that he backs away every time we talk about "us," but that's just rude, methinks. You should always respond, whether in the affirmative or the negative.

I'm off to a meeting tonight to hear Erin speak, and to go to dinner beforehand. She says she's got some stuff to talk to me about after seeing me with Adam last night, so this should be interesting. I wonder what she's got to say. I know Adam can be an ass sometimes, but I love him anyway.

You know, sometimes I think I love him more like a brother. I don't have any brothers and sisters, so I don't know how that feels, but I feel like he knows me better than anyone. Which is not true. He knows the old me, and a lot about the deep dark shit, because I can't seem to lie to him about how crappy I'm feeling, but I do leave things out. What's funny is the person who probably knows me best is Michael. Michael and I would be great together if he weren't such an ass in relationships. He's calmed down a lot, and so have I, but we just made each other mad all the time.

Maybe the common denominator is me. Maybe I just push people away. Am I too needy? Am I not needy enough? It seems to be different with different people.

Friends near and far

Sometimes I really miss where I used to live. Adam and I watched our show tonight and ate cookie dough out of the package. Andrea and I used to watch the same show and eat brownie mix from the bowl. Only I didn't get to cuddle with Andrea. I really love Adam. He's much fun to hang out with, and he's the best cuddler there is.

Michael was talking last night about the couch. You know how in Fight Club he buys his stuff and thinks, "Well, now I've got that covered. It's something stable in my life." Michael was saying that when I moved I took away his "couch." It's nice to be appreciated.

Back to my former home

I've made so many plans for when I'm going back to the west coast in a week. I'm meeting up with lots of folks and getting my tattoo finished. It should be nice to see everyone again.

My friend Jennifer is moving to Louisiana to be closer to her parents and go back to school, so it may be a long time before I see her again. I'm hoping once she's done with school she'll move here because this is where the jobs she'll be qualified for are.

Michael and I are running a half marathon that I'm totally not ready for. I think I hurt my knee the other day, and my foot still isn't right from the injury earlier in the year. We'll see how it goes!

Michael can be a bastard

Michael, my ex-boyfriend and current friend, can be a real ass. We broke up for a reason, and that reason was I couldn't take it anymore. I finally came out of my depression and noticed all the mean things he said to me and all the chaos he was causing in my life. So I broke it off and moved out.

I have a few resentments against him, but I've got a major one I'll tell you about. He's got a really bad temper. Well, not really bad, but bad enough. One afternoon we were driving over to a friend's house for a party, and I was feeling especially annoying. I used to love to pick fights with him because he would get so frustrated and I could just laugh. So we started talking about the Iraq war. Big mistake.

My whole family on my mom's side is Army. They've fought in all the wars since WWII, and served in their retirement in many capacities. Michael started to talk about how all the military was stupid and evil, and I got a little pissed. I mean, I know the war was kinda stupid and fought for all the wrong reasons, but it's not the Armed Services' fault. They listen to their commander in chief, el presidente. I know you'll say, "but the Nazi's said they were just following orders, too!" but I don't buy it. It's not the same thing.

So we got into a huge argument. We started yelling at each other in the car, and all of a sudden he slammed my side of the car into a stop sign. Head on, into a stop sign. Luckily I'm obsessive about wearing my seat belt, and he wasn't going that fast. But he did damage to the front of his car. He got out, yelled in frustration, and got back in. All I could do was laugh. Dumbass broke his car out of anger. And the more I thought about it, I wondered what else he could do. He's a body builder, and a hell of a lot stronger and faster than me. Even at my heaviest he could throw me on his shoulder, and he's short, too.

I started to get a little scared of him, and so I left.

I know it's weird that we're still friends, but he's a hell of a lot nicer now, 3 years later, and I call him on his shit all the time. When he's mean, I tell him, even if there are other people around. I don't let him push me around.

Speaking of Michael, he's coming over to drive me to the airport. Let's hope no signs get in the way.

Today is resentment day

I just talked to my aunt, cause it's her birthday, and told her I joined AA. She was really supportive and proud of me. She said she's envious that I always can make good decisions for myself and actually follow through. I do have a lot of follow through. It's one of my good qualities. I actually do what I say I'm going to do.

She also asked me to call my cousin in Seattle. He just moved out there about 6 months ago, and doesn't know anyone yet. He works weird hours, and so is having a hard time connecting. I know what that's like. I didn't have any friends when I moved here until 8 months later when I met my boyfriend. He introduced me to a bunch of people, and I finally had someone to talk to.

We all connected over alcohol. I met him at beer olympics where I was a referee and he was the anchor; the one who finishes all the beer no one else can drink. We got super wasted and began throwing eggs at other people (eggs were part of one of the games). We moved in together shortly thereafter, cause we're both kind of impulsive and were lonely.

We drank together every day. We went out every night. It was about 2 years of nonstop drinking and hookah smoking. We never stopped. And he became a bit abusive. He used to tell me I was fat and crazy. He would punch stuff (never me) and drove his car into a stop sign while we were having a fight just to shut me up. It was kinda bad. We eventually broke up, but we still talk, and he's really gotten a lot better. He's been working on himself, and I like him much better now. He even admitted the other day what an asshole he was.

But what was my part in that? I became cold and distant, and I used to start fights a lot of the time. I owe him an apology as well. I'm not sure what else I can do to make it up to him, but that won't be till step nine, which is a long time from now. We'll see.

Figuring it all out

Michael just came over to fix my computer - the mouse stopped working - and we talked about sobriety. He's the one trying to do the moderation thing, and keeps asking me if I think he's an alcoholic. I told him to try quitting for 60 days, cause it's hard! He is considering the fact that he is. He's sure he's a "problem drinker."

We went out to dinner, and he took one look at me across the table and said, "Are you manic?" I suppose once someone knows you that well, they can tell. He said it's like I have a Devo hat on with a flashing light on top.

Michael and I used to live together, so I asked him what I'm like manic, depressed, and what some of my good and bad qualities are. He provided a really helpful list. I told him colors and lights are brighter and more vibrant, so we compared eyes in the mirror and mine are a lot more dilated. Explains a lot. He said I must not be completely manic, cause I don't have the "bug-eyed" look. I feel like my eyes are open really wide, but he said it's not that bad yet.

So now I have a good idea of what to look for, and not just guess how I'm feeling. I'm going to take the list to my therapist so she can look for the symptoms, too. It's nice to have other watchers out there. Sometimes I miss the signs.