Bittersweet goodbyes

Just had a night on the town with all my old buddies. We went to the same bar we've been going to for decades, and sang the same songs, in front of the same crowd. There's something nice about that... But tonight was a goodbye. Last time I moved 3,000 miles away, I knew I'd be back someday. I didn't expect it to be under these circumstances, but such is life. Tonight, I know one thing for sure: you can never go home again.

Adam and I had a moment outside as he left, an I told him it was all about him: my coming home, my quitting smoking, my waiting. But I can't hold out hope anymore. He's not ready for a relationship, and I am. I love him, but it's just time to drop that dream. It's time to let go. Move on. Boy, does it hurt. But not like before. It's more of a dull ache- a longing for things to be different.

I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm going back to start fresh. I'm going to just be me, and not wait on anyone.

Brought to you by diet Coke

I just chatted with Adam and one of his first questions was, are you manic? Huh. Yeah. I think so. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. My meds are wacky because I'm taking only half my pills... I need to preserve them so I don't run out. I'm crabby, and I'm scared. I'm scared of leaving the coast where my family will take me in and HAS to help me out, to the coast where my friends don't have to let me in. I need to find a place to live that's my own, even if I'm sharing it with others. I don't feel comfortable couch surfing for very long. I didn't even like doing it with relatives.

Everything is still so up in the air. I have job interviews all over the country, but what if nothing pans out? What if something DOES pan out? I want to take this roadtrip, but I'm nervous about it being interrupted. I finally have given myself license to just take off, and what if I get a job? It would be ironic to get one now.

There are so many things I need to think about. I need to manage my drugs. I need more meds, and a source for them when I get to the other side. I need a place to stay. I need a job there. But where? And when? I think I'm just panicking a little.

Beees!!

Feeling a little wacky today. It's over 100 degrees here, and I've already been outside most of the day. I just came back in, and now I'm twitchy. I want to go out and do something, but it really is oppressive out there. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I'm chugging water, and that doesn't seem to help. I've got a headache and I feel like I could just lie down and nap. Sigh.

But you know what's cool? I don't feel like drinking booze. I was having a little trouble there for a while, just because I wanted an escape, but traveling a little has solved that. Perhaps I should just become a professional traveler? A gypsy?

Run away!

I think I might be manic. I'm thinking about traveling, I'm cranky, and I want a tattoo. All of these things could just be the time of the month, my situation going sour, and my regular need for tattoos.

So where should I go next? The plan is ribs, fill in some more on the trunk, and left thigh. I want some dancing skeletons and other Day of the Dead and Grateful Dead related stuff to match my arm.



I don't quite know how to describe what I want, yet, and my artist is on the other coast, so it will have to wait a few months. Plus, that's a lot of money to use up when I'm running out of unemployment. Sigh.

Let me free

My family makes me insane. Like a caged animal. I fit into their little molds of me: good daughter, caretaker, rule follower. Whatever. If you don't care what others think of you, then it doesn't matter, right? I don't think I care. I mean, I obviously do, cause I'm blogging about it, but I'm trying not to.

A few of them, like Diane and her son George, can be really mean. They say things that aren't true just to be funny or fit a story. They also just say mean things just to get your goat. And it can hurt. It's not a nice trait in a human being. I try to be honest, but censor myself when it's not a nice thing to say. I don't know. I'm just sensitive lately because I don't know myself.

My cousin and I have been going to a book club, and the first meeting we all had to describe ourselves on a big piece of posterboard. Everyone was putting who their husband/children were, where they lived, what they did for a living. What did I put? I like to go barefoot and to travel. And I'm sober.

So who am I? What do I have? I don't mean possessions, but how do I describe myself now that I don't have a job or a place to live?

When the speaker for my group got up, she said, this is Anne, our little free-spirit. I appreciated that, but it kinda stung, too. I am a free-spirit, but so's my mom. It has some negative connotations for me.

I've decided to go back to the other coast. I'm going to take a meandering drive across the US this summer/fall and see some folks along the way. I'm excited, and horribly nervous.

Dream big

My horoscope:

Your dreams can help you a lot more than you might think -- they can serve as visualization techniques that inspire you and push you toward your life goals. So keep dreaming, and do so unapologetically. Today, take some time to daydream about your future, and prepare a few different versions. Aim higher than you ever expect to reach, and you could shake loose some hang-ups that are keeping you from being as productive as you want to be.

Just jump

Well, Adam and Roger are down with the will, so that's settled. I had a great breakfast with Roger this morning and he had some great advice on life in general.

"You don't give yourself enough credit. You've been through some shit, and I've never seen you fail. You always come out ahead. So, in the unemployment situation, you've got time to discover what you really want. What do you really want?"

I want to travel. I want to write. I wouldn't mind combining those two things and making something of it. He suggested I start a blog (ha ha) and write about where we live now as a travel blog for visitors. It is a highly touristed place, and there are all sorts of cool things that most people never learn about. And I'd be glad to experience them again to get a fresh perspective.

I'm going to the college Monday to talk to a professor about a program there. It's a program I've always wanted to study, but thought I could never do anything with. I think I'm beginning to see a future in it, all based on writing.

"The people who are the biggest successes take the biggest risks," said Roger. "I'm risk-averse, too, so I know you feel nervous doing something that's not a steady paycheck, but if it's something you love, you should do it!" I love him.

I'm alive!

Just got back from a week-long trip back to where I used to live. Ran 17 miles of the marathon before I couldn't possibly run any further, and got more of my tattoo done. It feels nice to have seen mostly everyone and to get some work done. I felt back in my element. Andrea even let me drive her car (I used to always be the driver when we all went out).

I'm sad to be back in my cave, but I'm off to visit Jennifer in the flyover states next Wednesday. Just one week I have to keep myself occupied. I think it should be fine - I signed up to volunteer at a local event Thursday and Friday and I'm dog sitting for my cousins Friday till Wednesday. Should give me something to do, and I get to stay at their house instead of here. Not that here is bad, I'm just over it.

More later. Now I need to clean the travel grime off me. Coast to coast is a long trip!

Travel the depression away

I just feel like curling up into a ball and hiding under my covers. Not that I could sleep, or anything, but I just don't want to be awake anymore. I haven't brushed my teeth in days, and I haven't taken a shower today. That's really weird for me. I take a shower even on my darkest days. Perhaps the Celexa isn't working at all. Maybe I should take the emergency Abilify? I only have a months worth, so I don't want to waste it if this is just situational. I'll wait it out a few more days and see if it gets debilitating.

At least my nails are pretty. They still look nice from when I got them done last week for my birthday. I can't believe it's only been a week. It's been a long week of no sleep and waiting for things to happen. Instead, absolutely nothing has happened and I'm still waiting. Fuck, this is frustrating! My whole body is a ball of tense stress. I can feel my back out of whack and my shoulders are up to my ears.

Maybe I should go get a massage. That would make my body feel better. But what will make me feel better, besides a job? And would a job even help anymore? I feel so nervous about working, now. I've been out of work so long that maybe I forgot how to work? How to use Outlook and Excel and the like? Maybe I'm getting dumber by the minute?

What I really need to do is go renew my passport and then take a trip. Perhaps I can take a trip anyway, but just go visit my friends in the middle of the country. I have a friend in Kansas I should see, and Jennifer just moved, too. I could go visit them. I'm going next Friday back to where I used to live to run that marathon that I'm not prepared for. Should be interesting to hang out there. Everything has changed. Michael is dating, Jennifer moved far away, and Andrea lives a few towns over, now. It will be different. But I get to get a new tattoo!! That should cheer me up.

Love and travel

Hour two of sitting in Boston's Logan Airport, and I feel I've exhausted all internet wormholes. And then I remembered, "I write a blog!" Thank God for something to do for another 30 minutes while I wait for my flight to board.

The conference I went to was wonderful and exhausting. I got to hang out in the City and see all my friends. We didn't have Christmas, but I got to have dinner with Jennifer and Michael. Michael. He's still in love with me, I think. He proposed to me so I could get health insurance, but I really think he meant it seriously. We laughed and joked about a sham marriage, and then talked seriously about the implications of something like that. I've never been married (he has), and I still take it seriously. I know marriages have a 50% fail rate, but really everything in life is 50/50. You take a shot, but you do it for love.

I also got an email from a potential employer who wants to have an interview with me on Monday. The job is in another major city on the coast, not where I'm currently living, but I think that would be fine. Everywhere on this coast is within a day's drive or an hour flight. Jet Blue and such have cheap (under $50) deals sometimes, so it would be easy to get home for a weekend.

But would I want to live in THAT city? THE city of cities? I've been there a few times, and that's where my favorite baseball team is, but I've never thought of living there. It's super expensive, they say, but all the apartments I've looked at are on par with where I used to live. So we'll see. I have to get a job, first, before I start thinking about these things.

Travel on a dime

Therapy is one of those nice inventions. Thanks Dr. Freud for making it cool to go to therapy and spreading the love to us peasants. It's also really great that the place I go for therapy has poor people rates. My new (old from when I used to live here) psychiatrist on the other hand, does not. He's really expensive without insurance, but he's worth it. I really like him, and he totally remembered me.

My therapist is really proud of me for using my "limbo" time well. I'm making progress in changing my life for the better and finding out what I really want in life. I'm moving towards a better life.

So what do I want for myself? Well, I wish I had enough money to travel for a few years. Maybe I should join the Peace Corps. I didn't before because of my dog and my car, but I've proven that my mom can take care of those things. I would just need about $600 a month to pay my bills. I don't know where I would get that, unless I took out some money from my IRA, which tax-wise would be stupid, but it could work.

Then again, I just want to travel, not work. I wish I were rich. Where would I go? Well, I haven't done Asia or South America or Africa. I know! That's a lot. I think I would start with Chile and Peru. Then I would go to Vietnam and Thailand. Then maybe Japan, Morocco, South Africa, New Zealand. That's a lot of places, and a lot of money. If I'm not employed by March (when my benefits run out) I'm taking the rest of the money from my money market (about $4k) and running away with it. I think half that will get me a plane ticket somewhere far away, and the rest will be an apartment in some beautiful town like Santiago or Marrakesh.

Of course, it's all wishful thinking. I need a job, even a job in retail. I need some income. If it's a retail job, then I can afford to take the time to leave for a little bit and still have some money saved up. I need to stop spending all my money on clothes and tattoos. Alright, I'm calling a moratorium on spending. After this tattoo I'm buying nothing. No more plane tickets, no more clothes, no more tattoos. I'm saving my money for another trip or to pay bills while I'm on a trip.