Run away!

I think I might be manic. I'm thinking about traveling, I'm cranky, and I want a tattoo. All of these things could just be the time of the month, my situation going sour, and my regular need for tattoos.

So where should I go next? The plan is ribs, fill in some more on the trunk, and left thigh. I want some dancing skeletons and other Day of the Dead and Grateful Dead related stuff to match my arm.



I don't quite know how to describe what I want, yet, and my artist is on the other coast, so it will have to wait a few months. Plus, that's a lot of money to use up when I'm running out of unemployment. Sigh.

I'm alive!

Just got back from a week-long trip back to where I used to live. Ran 17 miles of the marathon before I couldn't possibly run any further, and got more of my tattoo done. It feels nice to have seen mostly everyone and to get some work done. I felt back in my element. Andrea even let me drive her car (I used to always be the driver when we all went out).

I'm sad to be back in my cave, but I'm off to visit Jennifer in the flyover states next Wednesday. Just one week I have to keep myself occupied. I think it should be fine - I signed up to volunteer at a local event Thursday and Friday and I'm dog sitting for my cousins Friday till Wednesday. Should give me something to do, and I get to stay at their house instead of here. Not that here is bad, I'm just over it.

More later. Now I need to clean the travel grime off me. Coast to coast is a long trip!

Travel the depression away

I just feel like curling up into a ball and hiding under my covers. Not that I could sleep, or anything, but I just don't want to be awake anymore. I haven't brushed my teeth in days, and I haven't taken a shower today. That's really weird for me. I take a shower even on my darkest days. Perhaps the Celexa isn't working at all. Maybe I should take the emergency Abilify? I only have a months worth, so I don't want to waste it if this is just situational. I'll wait it out a few more days and see if it gets debilitating.

At least my nails are pretty. They still look nice from when I got them done last week for my birthday. I can't believe it's only been a week. It's been a long week of no sleep and waiting for things to happen. Instead, absolutely nothing has happened and I'm still waiting. Fuck, this is frustrating! My whole body is a ball of tense stress. I can feel my back out of whack and my shoulders are up to my ears.

Maybe I should go get a massage. That would make my body feel better. But what will make me feel better, besides a job? And would a job even help anymore? I feel so nervous about working, now. I've been out of work so long that maybe I forgot how to work? How to use Outlook and Excel and the like? Maybe I'm getting dumber by the minute?

What I really need to do is go renew my passport and then take a trip. Perhaps I can take a trip anyway, but just go visit my friends in the middle of the country. I have a friend in Kansas I should see, and Jennifer just moved, too. I could go visit them. I'm going next Friday back to where I used to live to run that marathon that I'm not prepared for. Should be interesting to hang out there. Everything has changed. Michael is dating, Jennifer moved far away, and Andrea lives a few towns over, now. It will be different. But I get to get a new tattoo!! That should cheer me up.

Going back where I belong

Michael and I are running in a marathon at the end of the month, for which neither of us is in marathon shape. Luckily, we're both horribly stubborn and have high pain tolerances. I think we can run half of it (we've both done a lot of half marathons) and then just suffer the last half. We could even walk it. But he wants that medal and I want to earn my burrito.

I'm excited about going out there. I'm getting more tattoo work done, which always makes me happy. I'm going hardcore this time and getting work done on my arm. I've officially lost my mind and become that girl, the one with the tattoos. I have one on my arm already, but this will be big and no hiding it without a sweater kind of tattoo. I'm excited! I don't even know what it looks like. My artist Charles just drew it and I'm going to see it for the first time right before it goes on. I'm sure if I hate it we'll make changes, but I trust him a lot. Plus, it's based on a design I already have, so it's not too far from anything.

I'm also going to get to see all (almost, Jennifer moved) my friends. We're going to get together and have a picnic after the marathon. Michael and I should be sufficiently dead, but he wants it then, so let him plan.

I've even got my suitcase half packed and I don't leave for 10 days. Can you tell I'm excited?

I've lost control

To play on that theme: I'm not in control of my life. I feel absolutely out of control. I spent the past 7 years totally on my own; paying my own bills, buying cars, renting apartments, moving, etc. And now? I have nothing. My mom has my car and dog, my life is in storage, and I'm living with dad. I feel trapped (I am trapped. I can't afford to move). It's a debilitating feeling.

So what do I want to do? Well, what do I have control over? My body! Right! So what do I want to do with my body? Well, besides smoke, I want change! What does change look like? Hair dye. Piercings. New tattoos.

I bought new lipstick yesterday, hoping that would do something. It's nice. And I do like to experiment with lipstick. But I would have to get dressed and leave the house, too. So, no going to happen. Well, that's not true. I've been out of the house a lot and with a lot of different people. Just not lipstick places.

Piercings. Can't think of where I would want one. I think I'm done with piercings.

Hair dye. Or hair changes. This is a valid option, though my hair is finally its natural color and a nice length. I like it the way it is. I do love really short hair, but people tell me I look like a lesbian, and that's no way to attract a boy. Man. I should say man. Boys are stupid. Let's look for a man. Ugh, I don't even want to think about that.

I'm getting my next installation of tattoo at the end of March. It's a long time to wait! Jesus. A month?

Ok, now my head hurts. I just want to go back to bed....

Trust

"You never reach out. You can lean on other people, you know."

I keep hearing this lately. But really, what are they going to do? You know what my problem is? And my aunt told me this; I don't want to get close to anyone because I think they're going to leave. I just don't trust anyone.

You know who I do trust? My tattoo artist. Isn't that odd? I mean, I pay the man to do a job, and he does and excellent job, so I trust him. He's not going to fire me for being a bad canvas. And I tip really well. I trust him so much that I've let him cover 1/3 of my body in art, and I'm letting him have free reign with this next one. I don't even know what it looks like and yet I scheduled a time to go in and get it started. I just gave him the perimeters and let him get creative.

Is that sad? I trust my tattoo artist the most?

Are tattoos harm?

Weird. On Facebook a friend of mine just posted that she's 10 months sober. I had no idea she was in AA. She took a picture of her chips and posted the picture. I am so proud of her. She used to smoke a lot of pot in high school, and I can imagine her being an alcoholic. She's a tattoo artist, and it's funny how many of them are sober. I should give her a call and see if she wants to go to a meeting and tattoo me.

My dad the other day said he read a study that tattooing is a replacement for cutting. Haven't we talked about this already? I haven't found the study, but this sounded interesting:

"Now, 10 tats is a lot of tats. Are you a self-harmer? I don't know. Are you distorting yourself to make yourself special or different, maybe even to get attention? Probably...that's where the BPD comes in. You are naturally impulsive and you like tattoos. Hence, 10 tattoos. The real question is this...and this is the conceptual/theoretical relationship between tattooing and BPD -- do you get a secret pleasure from the relinquishing of control and symbolic victimhood associated with experience of getting a tattoo? If so, that's what you need to look at because it brings us into the realm of self-harm and sado-masochism."

I have 8.

Oh the fruit flies

Ok, this has nothing to do with anything this blog is about, but neither do half the posts I write.

"Across a number of different kinds of pain, genes seem to be at least half the driver of how much pain you experience," they say. You know how they developed this idea that pain is genetic? Fruit flies. What did they do, pull their wings off? Sometimes researchers disgust me. It has to be a hard job, too. I can't imagine testing pain on animals to see if they feel it.

I have a really high pain tolerance. My tattooist says that your pain tolerance goes down as you get older, according to his experience being tattooed. I hope that's not the case.

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat

Christmas is fast on it's way. I grabbed some cards the other day, and now I need to go back to the storage facility to get my address book. I hate not having my stuff around, cause I just keep remembering more stuff I need to get. I wish all my stuff could be easily accessed. I also keep thinking about all the great foods I have in storage. Don't worry, I didn't carry a kitchen full of food, but I do have a lot of bulk foods like quinoa and barley that I wish I had access to. My dad doesn't eat so well. Well, that's not true, he just eats the same stuff daily.

I ran some hills today in preparation for my crazy marathon in March. I'm trying to prep well, and do some core work too. Today I did some sit-ups and push-ups, as well as some arm exercises. I need to work on my hips. They've been hurting when I run, and that's not so great for having to run 26.2 later.

As you can tell, I'm getting obsessed with fitness, which is good. I need to obsess over it for a while, and get back into really good shape. It wouldn't hurt to lose 10 pounds, too. I've gained about 10 in the past few months since I've been unemployed. I stopped doing Weight Watchers because I needed to save the money. Of course, I'm just spending it elsewhere. I really should cancel my tattoo in December and wait until March to do it. But I won't.

I've had two people tell me not to do it, cause they like that my shoulder tattoo stands alone. It bugs me. I want it to be combined with the back piece so it all looks like one piece. Maybe what I'll do is just connect it and wait on the sleeve.

Day of the Dead

Found it! I found exactly what I'm going to make an arm sleeve tattoo out of. It think it will be gorgeous, especially when we make the roses the same color as the roses in the rest of my tattoo. Now, just to figure out how it fits in with the tattoo that would be between it and the back piece. I'm sure my artist can do something.

A replacement for cutting?

Speaking of tattoos, my therapist is convinced I traded cutting for tattoos. I totally think she's right. Whenever I get super stressed now I think of getting a tattoo. I have about 6, but one is a full back piece. It's truly awesome, and I love the feeling I get from getting a tattoo. The only problems with covering your back are: you can't see it; there's nowhere else to put a tattoo that no one else can see.

I would love to continue the tattoo down my arm and make a sleeve out of it, but that's damn hard to cover up. I'd have to wear long sleeves all the time, or at least ones that come to my elbow. I think I could manage it, but I would be wearing my black sweater constantly. I already can't wear dresses without a sweater to work, so there's no difference there. Maybe I'll just do it. I only trust one artist, and I would like it to be all of his work. I have three that aren't his, and they don't come close to the kind of special work he's done.

Also, what to do next? A sleeve requires a lot of thinking. I could just continue the rose pattern all the way down my arm, but it would be nice to have another symbol of myself built in there. I could put another scene from Alice in Wonderland, but I wonder what I would do. The red queen and Alice was another one I wanted in the back piece, but didn't fit. Perhaps that's the way to go. Or since the bear paw would be in the middle, that might have to fit into the theme.

I'm always getting ahead of myself. I still have 4 hours left on the back piece!

I'm rambling again!

If you've ever gotten a tattoo, you know: they itch. Once they've started to heal, you cover them with lotion to keep them soft, and try to relieve the itch. And you can't scratch them, or you'll mess up the healing process.

I just got a tattoo from shoulder blade to shoulder blade and down the middle of my back. The entire thing itches. I'm sitting here gritting and trying not to scratch, and when I can't take it anymore, I just pat. Pat, pat, pat. My bra is even itching it. Everything itches.

Yes, tattoos hurt. I have 7, and they all hurt in different ways. The worst is when it's right on the bone. I would have to say that the base of the spine may be the worst, followed by right under the shoulder blade, and then the armpit. I don't know why the armpit. Maybe because the skin is so soft and thin there.

So I'm about to get on a plane, and be dehydrated, and itchy. Hooray.

Healthy tattoos

Soon, it might be healthier to get a tattoo in California.

The proposed bill both sets some statewide standards and allows for more stringent local rules, as well as setting penalties for not complying.

It would require shops to register annually with a law enforcement agency and pay a fee, set at the local level, to cover the cost of the program. Piercers and tattoo artists would also have to individually register, and show proof of a hepatitis B vaccine, completion of a federally overseen blood-borne pathogen training program as well as first-aid and CPR training. And body artists would be required, like cosmetologists, to post proof of their registration at work. Temporary expositions would face similar rules.

There are some cities and counties that already require these sorts of things, and I sure as hell only go to places that do. I have an awesome tattoo artist that shows me every time that he's opening sterile needles and ink. He wears gloves, and takes really good care of me. I've had 4 tattoos done by him so far, and he's working on a big whole back piece for me. I trust him with my health.

It will be good to have all shops required to be clean and licensed. There are some skeavy places out there. I got a tattoo once that was obviously done by an idiot, and the shop was dark and weird. It looked clean, but I wasn't as discerning then. I know better, now.

I have a lot of tattoos, and I love them all. I also have a hep B shot of my own, just in case.

莊周夢蝶

“I dreamed I was a butterfly, flitting around in the sky; then I awoke. Now I wonder: Am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?” -Zhuangzi

This is the tattoo I'm getting, except in Chinese it's only four characters, meaning Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly. I learned this story in Taoism class in college, and had the teacher design the tattoo for me then. He checked the translation for me, so I know it's right. It looks like, 莊周夢蝶.

The story has a lot of meaning to me. Am I living in the present, or in a dream world? I tend to dream a lot, and sometimes have trouble distinguishing reality from my fantasy world. I love to live in day dreams, except when they're nightmares, of course.

I suppose through this program of AA I'll learn to be more in the present. I'm not sure how that's going to manifest itself in the future.

Dreams are nothing but dreams

Today was mental illness day at the meeting. A lot of people talked about how they also have mental illness, and that it makes it kinda hard for sobriety. A bunch are also on disability (lucky) so it helps that they don't have jobs to get fired from.

I told this story once, but I've been thinking about it. Did I get fired because I was manic and just told my boss to stuff it, or was I so unproductive because I was drunk all the time that she was ready to let me go? It was probably a nice combination of the two.

My last job, I felt like the world was against me, that everyone was conspiring to make me look bad. I know now that that was my own paranoia over certain situations, and that it was probably brought on by stress. Stress makes my crazy go crazy.

I'm looking at getting a tattoo tomorrow. Just something small - something to distract me from the other feelings. I just need something, and it can't be a drink. I feel like I need something that will tap down those emotions like a drink used to do. I can't stand feeling them anymore.

I had a dream last night that I lost it and had to be hospitalized. I just started cutting like mad and then called my therapist. She told me to meet her at the hospital, but I couldn't drive, so I called Michael and told him to come get my dog while I was waiting for the ambulance. He came and said he would drive me to the hospital and then said, "Oh my God, look at your arms!" I looked, and started screaming, "Look at my arms!" When we got to the hospital I threw myself out in front of a car on the way across the street but didn't do any damage. We went inside and I started having a panic attack and screaming. They shot me full of Ativan and stitched me up. Then I ended up in treatment for a week, shouting and panicking the whole time till they had to give me ECT.

It was a crazy dream, and I woke up feeling shaky. I almost took the day off and called my therapist for an emergency meeting, but I had a conference call this morning that I couldn't miss. So instead, I made a meeting, and they talked about feeling mental illness. Sometimes God gives you just what you need.

Tattoos and pain

I just realized something - I get tattoos instead of cut.

I've been really yearning for a tattoo lately. I was supposed to get one last month, but my dog got sick and I had to spend the money at the vet. My next one is scheduled for August 22, and I was thinking today that I can't wait that long. There's a tattoo parlor next door to my work, and I was thinking of just getting something small - something to tide me over until I get the next installment in my back piece.

I have 6 tattoos, and I've been tattooed more 10 times (some of them took a couple sessions). I'm working on a full back piece that will take up one whole side of my back. I love tattoos. I think they're beautiful and sexy. But I use them, too. I use them to get over my urge for pain and blood. I satisfy that deep urge by getting art put on my body. I love the pain that comes with it. I once sat for a tattoo for four hours. I could have gone longer, but my butt hurt just sitting there, and he was tired.

So I suppose I have been "cutting" all along. I've just been having someone else do it!