Separate worlds

"You are not your illness. It's just something you have that flares up every now and again. It's not you." - Julie

I need to learn how to separate me from the bipolar. I tend to think of myself always as ill first, and everything else second. But who am I without the illness? Well, I'm hella optimistic, I can tell you that. I'm in a spot right now where anyone would be depressed, and I'm ok. I really am. I'm confused, and a little torn, but I should be. It's natural to be up in the air about everything when everything is up in the air like it is. But I'm optimistic that it's all going to work out. Everything is going to be fine; better, even.

The horrible, suicidal depression I slipped into the other week isn't me, I have to remember that. It's not who I am, it's just a thing that happens. A flair up. It's like having psoriasis or some other disease where the symptoms present sometimes and you have to fix them with medications, and then they go away for a while. Going off meds always reminds me how much I need them. I mean, look at my posts. I'm suicidally depressed and yet questioning my diagnosis. Dumb. Makes me laugh at how delusional I can get, but scared, too. I need to keep myself on track. It's not ok to go off meds.

Dance, dance, revolution

I'm sure by now you've heard about the dance team in Wisconsin that did a "crazy" routine, complete with fake straitjackets labeled "Psych Ward." There's a huge uproar in the mental health community over it. Twitter is all a fuss. So what happened here? It's nothing new. People just don't see mental illness as something that needs advocacy or understanding. It's still cool to call someone schizo or bipolar when they're doing something you don't like. It's still ok to portray the mentally ill as violent. Not that that's what these girls were doing, but they weren't helping. My favorite quote:

"It's such a contradiction, to have such compassion for cancer, and no compassion for mental illness. How many people sitting in that audience might have had a mental illness or had a loved one with a mental illness? And to have to sit through that ... It's not funny when you know somebody who's suffering."

It's nice that people are standing up and saying something. It's hard to say something about things like this, because you, or at least I, feel like a jackass speaking up. "Don't call people crazy!" seems like a battle cry that's not going anywhere but harassed for being too politically correct. Hell, I use the word crazy all the time. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I hate when people misuse bipolar or schizo.

I'm glad to see these girls changed the wardrobe, but I hope they actually learned something. It doesn't seem like their coach did. She still says she doesn't see where we're coming from.

Manic Mondays

Ok, ok, I admit it: I'm a little manic. I think the extra 5mg of Abilify he added to the regular dose pulled me up a bit, though I'm sleepy. I feel great in comparison to last week, and especially the week before. I'm not suicidal, I'm not depressed, I'm just good. Which is nice. My cousin last night said, "I can believe you'd be depressed. Your life sucks ass right now." And she's right! Things are so crappy right now. But I have a plan.

I had a great interview up north, and I'm hoping to get that job. It would be a great career step forward for me. I should hear back about a third interview with them by next week, where I'll go up there and meet face to face. I've also applied for a bunch of other positions.

The plan: if by the end of March I don't have a job I will move to the north and work retail. I'll just get an apartment and a UHaul and go.

That would be 6 months of living here. I think that's enough. I think I've given it the good ol' college try. 6 months is a long time. I'll give somewhere else a year to grow on me, and if I don't have a job in a year, then I'll have to reconsider my career path. I like this plan. I think it has merit.

Carry me home

I think I've made my decision: I'm moving.

I can hear them now: you're pulling a "geographic," you can't run from your troubles, blah, blah, blah. And I hear that. I know. I'm not running from anything. I'm just not happy here, and I know that all the old things that are here are just going to haunt me if I stay. It's not a matter of the grass is greener, it's a matter of living where you're not haunted.

It's so sad here. There are so many roads and houses and bars and neighborhoods that just leave a bad taste in my mouth. So many places that remind me of suicide attempts, or low self-esteem, or problems. I don't want to have to look at these things daily. And I don't want to have to carve out a new nitch in an old town. I want to start fresh, new, clean.

First things first, I've got to go through my storage and let go of some things. I know I should get rid of my dresser, because it's 300 pounds of solid wood number one, and because it's huge. I think where I'm moving to I'll only be able to afford a studio apartment. That means all those books have to go. Perhaps I'll just donate them all to the library. 9 boxes of books....

Or, maybe I'll just move it all (minus the books) and see what furniture fits and what doesn't. I think if a studio is the size of my old bedroom then I could fit the dresser and the couch, if a tight fit. I love redecorating.

Bullseyes are hard to get

I need a map and a dart. What I've been doing is just applying to everything in three cities north of here, but I think I should maybe move up there. If I live with others, my unemployment will cover housing. I really should just sell my car, but I'm not ready for that, yet. I'll have to think about it more. I mean, it took me 3 months to find that car just the color and specs I wanted it, and I've already thrown so much money at it. And I love driving. Anne, you can always buy a new car. And it's time to get rid of my couch, too. I love it, everyone else hates it, and with roommates I won't be able to keep it anyway.

I'm almost done with my taxes, and my return should be huge because of the unemployment. Hooray! Finally, some good news about unemployment. I can use that to rent a truck and put a deposit down someplace. I just have to pick the city and stick with it, even if it takes a while to find the right job. Am I ready for that, or do I want to stay in the cheap, comfort of home.

I have to get out of here. It's driving me crazy living at home. I would much rather take some awful part-time gig and live on my own than continue to live at home. It's crowded with stuff, none of it's mine, I'm sleeping on a twin bed, and I feel like I'm under a microscope (even though I know I'm not). Ugh! This period in my life has become uncomfortable. I suppose I should stay, if only because I have a great doctor who will give me free medication. I still haven't sent back the meds that came in the mail (did I tell you they came? Finally.), and I might just pull the Abilify out of there and then send the rest back.

So much to decide. I need a dart. Or Rochambeau.

This could have been my secret

Life stages

Where do you go when you don't know what you want or what direction you're headed in?

After 4 or so months of being home I'm realizing a few things: I did miss the snow; I've got to live on my own again soon; and I moved away from home for a reason. I picked up and moved across the country for a few good reasons: my mom makes me insane; there are. Lot of bad memories here; Adam. I love him, I do, but... I don't know. Its like having a controlling older brother. He just makes me want to rebel.

There's a job here that I think they're going to offer me, and I think I'm going to turn them down. All I want is to be working, but there's a few things here (it's the day of semi-colons!): my mentor thinks I would be bored at this job; I think I wouldn't want to stay in it more than 2 years, and part of my career hopes are to stay in a job longer than that; and it's the part of my field I find too easy to occupy myself. I do get bored doing that kind of work after a while, and it's not as creative a job as I hoped. I think it would be a great job, and I could be happy until I got bored, and my resume shows that only takes about a year.

So I don't know. It seems like I'm pointed north for a few years. I would love to try out a new city; someplace to call my own. I do need to acknowledge a few more things with semi-colons: I'm in a really transitional place in my life right now and I don't know what I'm doing; and I think I'm a bit manic. Thank you Abilify! It makes me feel so much better. But usually I get the urge to move and cut my hair when I get manic, and all weekend I've been thinking about chopping off my hair again. Pixie cut = mania; always. One time in college I pretty much shaved my head. Boy, was I high! I had a great time that summer.

Everything is so up in the air. I wish I knew what was going to happen, but I think I'm just going to have to wing it.