Manic Mondays

Ok, ok, I admit it: I'm a little manic. I think the extra 5mg of Abilify he added to the regular dose pulled me up a bit, though I'm sleepy. I feel great in comparison to last week, and especially the week before. I'm not suicidal, I'm not depressed, I'm just good. Which is nice. My cousin last night said, "I can believe you'd be depressed. Your life sucks ass right now." And she's right! Things are so crappy right now. But I have a plan.

I had a great interview up north, and I'm hoping to get that job. It would be a great career step forward for me. I should hear back about a third interview with them by next week, where I'll go up there and meet face to face. I've also applied for a bunch of other positions.

The plan: if by the end of March I don't have a job I will move to the north and work retail. I'll just get an apartment and a UHaul and go.

That would be 6 months of living here. I think that's enough. I think I've given it the good ol' college try. 6 months is a long time. I'll give somewhere else a year to grow on me, and if I don't have a job in a year, then I'll have to reconsider my career path. I like this plan. I think it has merit.

Watch the day away

I miss my girls. On a day like this, the day after New Years, the four of us would be getting together to watch a marathon of our show. It's 6 seasons in, but usually we would pick a season and start again from the beginning, just for fun. We would cook breakfast at 7am, crack the champagne, and start watching. By 8 at night Jennifer would be asleep on the floor, Amanda would be drunk, Rebecca would have gone home, and I would be the last one actually watching. It's part of the obsessiveness. I think I was the only one ever really watching.

So today, I decided to do it myself. I woke up late and put on our show, season 1, episode 1, and started my movie marathon. I own all the seasons, and I copied them to my iPad, so I'm just sitting with it propped on my pillow. I did what we always did during the marathons - I did my toenails and fingernails. I drank coffee instead of champagne, and I ate popcorn instead of breakfast pizza, but it still felt like a little bit of "home."

I miss my old home a bit. I miss having my apartment, my dog, my car, my friends, a job. I'm lonely here. I suppose it would help if I left the house every now and again, or joined some sort of club, but I just don't have the energy right now. My meds are here, according to the note left on the mailbox, but the office downstairs is closed till Monday, so I can't get them. I'm not blaming this homesickness on lack of meds, but it's sure not helping.

I'm done feeling like I'm on vacation. I'm done with this. I need a job; something to do, somewhere to live where I can call it my own. I need a life of my own.

Happy new year!

I can not believe it's 2011 already. It seems like the past year went by super quick with all the amazing things that have happened. I wonder what in the world is going to happen this year....

Resolutions for 2011:

1. Well, we know get a job and an apartment is number 1 on there. I have another interview on Monday, and a potential one later in the week. I think I should hear from more people now that the holidays are over. Right? Right. And of course, what comes from having a job is getting an apartment on my own again. It's been 4 or so months that i've been here, and I am grateful, but I miss having a place of my own. I miss having some alone time and my own stuff.

2. Actually train for the marathon and run them to the finish. I am so not prepared for march's marathon, nor any real running, since I have been extremely lazy the past few months. I need to get back out there on the road and prepare! I spent tonight with my cousins, and even invited me to come out in may for a half marathon in their hometown, so that's another one on the books.

3. Hm. Shouldn't you always have there of something? Good things come in threes.... Right? You know what? I'm going to keep up this blog. I really enjoy getting everything out on "paper." I know most of the time I'm talking to myself, but I'm ok with that. It has been extremely helpful to just talk it all out. So I think I will continue this journey with you, and thanks for listening.

Happy new year!

He missed me

Last night Adam called and said he was a block away. "I miss you. I want a hug." Alright, I said. Come on over.

I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. I was up north for Thanksgiving, and then cross-country last week. The week in between was just crazy busy. He asked if I was passively pulling away from him, and I kind of was after the conversation we had about me loving him for the past 6 years, and after my therapist said I just needed to let go. I think I've let go. I've decided that if it happens, it happens, but if not, I need to be ok with that. I've expanded my search for a job to places that would be far from him, keeping us apart again.

It's sad, because we really love each other. He couldn't stop holding me last night, and kept kissing my forehead, or kissed my neck once. He was just getting super close to me. We even lay on my bed for a minute and cuddled. Oh, I'm so stupid. I was pulling back just fine, and then I see him and all I want to do again is be with him.

"Whatever this is, and I love you, whatever this is between us, I don't want to put all my eggs in someone else's basket. I want to be whole, first," he said. I understand. It's like they always say, you've got to love yourself before you love anyone else. But I think he's missing an opportunity. I think he's missing out on me, and perhaps he'll miss out on someone else by focusing too much on fixing everything. No one is whole - we all have pieces missing, I think.

I wonder if he would follow me this time. He's looking for new positions in his field, and I wonder if he would look for something with me. If we moved up north we could find a house really easily. We could try living together and see if we would kill each other, which I doubt. I wonder.

In the City, ahhh ahhhh

Just had a great interview with the job in the City. It seems like a great position, building a team from the ground up. I like coming in to new departments and being able to start something that is mine. It also seems like a great organization. I also like that she didn't balk when I gave her my salary requirements.

They're looking to fill the position immediately - like by the end of the year, but I've heard that before. If they call me in for an interview, I would be able to get up there and look for apartments as well. Most of them call for a credit check, so maybe I should get that done now. I hope my credit is still good. I've been delinquent on some credit card payments lately, and I hope it hasn't bummed me down too much.

It's tough when you're moving and you aren't sure about the job yet. It would be tough to try to find a place and not know anything for sure. I don't want to go unless I'm positive that's the place I'm going to work. I need to take out some money, too, if I'm going to pay first and last months rent. Jesus, this process is just getting expensive!

Obsession

"Obsession is a lie you tell yourself."

I get obsessed all the time. I focus on something I want, or just something, and make it the focal point of my dreams and day dreams. I think about it all the time and plan to make things happen. I plan my future around these things.

I need to stop doing that. These things I "want" aren't reality. I need to not plan around them, or even for them. It's like this whole job thing. The other day my mom told me I need to plan to be here with my dad for at least a year. That just kills me. I planned to be here three months, tops, but what if I don't get a job this round? I already had one place let me know they went with another candidate. What if that happens with all the places I interviewed? I can't just focus on maybe getting a job this time around. It might take me a year.

All I want is a place of my own and a schedule. I want to have to wake up in the morning, instead of forcing myself to get out of bed simply because it's daytime. I want to have something to do. I need money. I'm slowly draining my reserves (getting tattoos isn't helping, neither is the shopping) and I don't have a lot of money coming in. Whoever says people purposefully live on unemployment is full of shit. You can't live off this stuff without help.

And my obsession with Adam. Who am I to know what will come of it. Sometimes I dream that he'll just kiss me, but even I know that's not his way. He just wouldn't do it, so it's unrealistic to think of that. And do I really want him or is it just an obsession? I do love him, but do I love him more as a friend? I don't know. I've just been in love with him so long that I don't know what's real anymore.

Bread and butter

Here's a little story from CNN about the rally.

Afterwards, we all went to a great restaurant in the city, and I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich. My ex's mom used to call them Superman sandwiches. This sandwich definitely lived up to it's name.

I was with 3 other sober women, and we talked about all sorts of great stuff. On the way to the rally, I talked to Samantha about her take on AA. "As long as people follow the steps, I don't care what they do." I like her point. AA is about the steps, and using them in your life to improve it, not to gain power over others or get up on a soapbox. I think a lot of us have trouble following orders, but I'm going to have to start listening to my sponsor. No, I haven't traded her in yet. We haven't had time to talk, and I think she might actually end up being helpful. I'm going to bring up the medication thing and see if she balks at it.

Since I don't know where I'm going to live, I don't want to change sponsors again until I know if it will be too much of a pain to see her anymore. I'm kind of on hold with everything right now. I don't want to get a psychiatrist either, because I'm not sure what kind of health insurance I'll have, if I get a job soon. It's all if I get a job soon kind of stuff. And who the hell knows? I could have all these interviews and nothing to show for it.

God that scares me. What if I go through this whole process with 5 places and no one wants me? I hate rejection, and getting a job is really about if the people like you. It's a popularity contest, it really is. So I hope I displayed some good traits. One woman called me "poised and mature," so that's a good sign. Apparently I was on my game.

I'm doing it again

So I'm planning again. I've been looking at apartments in the city, and they're expensive! If I'm living close to work (I've been looking around the places I'm interviewing) then it will all work out because I'll save on subway fares, but a lot of the ones I think I'll be able to afford are studios.

I've been trying to think how I can fit a one bedrooms' full of stuff into a studio. I think I can do it. I've got a wooden screen that could set off the bedroom area from the living room, and if I put a bed and dresser in the corner, I can hide it. I think I can fit it all in, really.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, as usual. I don't even have money coming in, and I wouldn't be able to get a place until I have a first or even second paycheck in. I'll be living here until at least December, and maybe that's not such a great time to move. It gets pretty cold here, and who knows if it will be snowing that time of the year. Moving in the snow would suck.