Love, ah, love

My horoscope says today that I need to have a talk with the one I love and lay it all down. Adam is coming to pick me up in an hour. But I don't think I'm going to bridge that gap between my head and reality. I don't know how he feels about me, though we had a moment last night, and I don't think I want to know. I'm so afraid all he wants is to just be friends. I'd rather pretend, for the time being, and just let it all stand as it is.

Is that sick? I suppose pretending isn't the way to live your life, but it would hurt to think he just doesn't feel that way about me. I'd rather think of this as love, that maybe, just maybe, one day he'll feel the same about me.

Ha! I'm a dumbass

So today is the 20th. My anniversary is on the 27th! That's what I get for being unemployed. I don't even know what day it is! So I've got another week to do it. But I can do it, I know I can.

Today is the day

Today is the day I'm going to quit smoking. I know I said Monday, but I've only got 3 cigarettes left, and it seems silly to go buy another pack when I know I'm quitting. Another pack would take me through Monday, but why not today? Why not start now?

Today is my 6 month sobriety date, and so it will be easier to keep track of when I quit. By May, I'll have a year in sobriety and 6 months without a cigarette. I can make it that far. If I've been able to quit drinking, I think I'll be able to quit smoking.

The problem is: all my crutches will be gone. All the ways I used to deal with my feelings will be void in my life. I won't have something to lean on when I'm stressed. I don't know how that's going to go, but since I'm already stressed, I'll find out soon enough.

6 months

It's been 6 months today since I quit drinking. Adam says I should "drink the Kool-Aid for a while, till I get the hang of everything. I'm not sure I want to go there. I've had a great time in AA, and it's been an interesting ride so far, but I'm not sure I want to get so involved in AA that it becomes my life, even for a time.

6 months. Wow. I never thought I could last this long. Some of it has been hard, like calling my sponsor every day and going to some places with alcohol, but the rest of it has been easier than I thought. I really like meetings, and I like hearing other people's stories about why they quit, or what trouble they got into while drinking.

It's also nice that I feel my bipolar is better. I feel like my meds are working. My head is clear; when I get thoughts of suicide they are easier to make go away. I've been feeling much better.

I'd like to stay sober for another 6 months. I think it's a great thing to be doing.

Bipolar and alcohol

"Most experts in this area believe that sticking to a regular routine or schedule and abstaining from alcohol are essential components to achieving mood stability. This can make travel and even moderate drinking difficult. However, every person is different and it's important for couples to make decisions based on their specific experiences.

Even if it appears that a bipolar person can have an alcoholic beverage from time to time without any seemingly negative consequences, alcohol is completely out of the question during a mood episode (either depression or mania). Alcohol worsens and lengthens mood episodes; even worse, it also dramatically increases the risk of suicide, which is disproportionately high among people with bipolar disorder (at one time or another, about 25% of bipolar individuals make an attempt on their own lives). Spouses can play a huge role in supporting their partners' sobriety by abstaining from alcohol themselves."

I knew that alcohol messed with your meds, but I didn't really think about the consequences of drinking while in a bipolar episode. It can really mess with your mind, and someone who is already "crazy" can be set off by the feelings of drunkenness. I've felt that being sober has been really good for my bipolar, but now I've got a doctor's opinion to back it up. Interesting article, by the way. I suggest anyone who knows someone with bipolar read it.

Doglet is back!

I have my dog back! He's pouting a little cause now he's used to chasing squirrels all day, but he'll get used to 6th floor living eventually. I'm not sure what we're going to do for Thanksgiving. He's going to have to come with us, cause my mom's apartment building won't let him stay anymore. She was going to move out, but it's really expensive and she's living on a fixed income. And I sure as hell can't help her.

My aunt and uncle have a HUGE lab, who I'm not sure if he likes little dogs. Mine is about 110 pounds smaller. We'll probably have to keep him in the cage at my grandma's during dinner over at my uncle's house. I feel bad for the dog. He's going to have a much more restricted life over here. My mom is really sad, too. She loves him, and loves taking him out on long walks.

But it's nice to have him back. It's like having a little piece of home.

Friends near and far

Sometimes I really miss where I used to live. Adam and I watched our show tonight and ate cookie dough out of the package. Andrea and I used to watch the same show and eat brownie mix from the bowl. Only I didn't get to cuddle with Andrea. I really love Adam. He's much fun to hang out with, and he's the best cuddler there is.

Michael was talking last night about the couch. You know how in Fight Club he buys his stuff and thinks, "Well, now I've got that covered. It's something stable in my life." Michael was saying that when I moved I took away his "couch." It's nice to be appreciated.