I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas day....

It was a merry, merry Christmas for me. I hope it was for you, too! It even snowed a little. We're supposed to get more tomorrow, and it's supposed to stick. I'm so happy!

Adam and my mom came over to hang out with my dad's family for Christmas. My mom emailed me later to say it broke her heart to hang out with all those happy people that she was "ripped away from." Come on. She initiated the divorce, it's been 17 years, and my dad only went through with it because we had to commit her and she ran away to Europe and disappeared. What the hell was he supposed to do? I saw how it broke his heart, and she's lucky any of them talk to her. But they're all bigger people than that. They like her, crazy or no. It just bugs the hell out of me. She makes herself the victim, the martyr. Ugh. Gross. Take responsibility for yourself!

Adam and I went to a meeting after dinner, and hung out with one of his friends. He and I went back to his house so he could give me a present. He got me the most awesome present! He knows what I like. I'm wearing a necklace he gave me 7 years ago for Christmas. He noticed, of course. We were walking out the door and he said, "You missed your opportunity," and pointed up. There was some mistletoe. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek, and he pulled me back in under the mistletoe and gave me a long, wonderful kiss.

In the car he said, "I don't want to over analyze that kiss, I mean, I'm in no place to date," blah, blah, blah. I don't know what he's scared of. Getting hurt, I'm sure, but aren't we all afraid of that? Don't we have to take risks? Look at me, yelling at everyone tonight. I'm the Christmas Grinch!

No, really, I'm not upset. I'm happy for the kiss. I really enjoyed it. I love his lips, his kisses. Sigh.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Sober, not somber

I went to that holiday party tonight. The one I was going to bail out of. My dad convinced me to go. "Cathy and Laura are both pregnant, so they won't be drinking. And I don't drink. Plus, you've got to learn how to be around people who drink. Just have some water, it's what I do." He's a smart man, my pop.

So I went, and it was fine. The boys were all drinking home brewed beer, and I had a moment of panic when they didn't have diet Coke, but I was fine with water and cookies. I think my cousin had A beer the whole time, and Mike maybe had two. So it was basically a sober evening. And you know what? It was still fun! We were able to laugh and play with my baby cousin without being drunk. We watched old movies and Yo Gabba Gabba.

Oh, and I ate my share of cookies. I had a sugar cookie, a chocolate chip cookie, one of those ones with a Hershey kiss in the middle....

God is the fabric of your life

I went to Christmas mass with the family tonight and got to see a lot of little kids doing the Christmas pageant and singing while dressed up as angels. They had the little tinsel halos on, just like I did when I sang in the choir as a kid. Some things never change.

I sat there, well, stood there because there were too many people, and listened to kids read the gospels and letters about Jesus, and listened to the incredible Christmas carols by the church choir/band. Usually I hate that church because they have a band, and I don't want a bunch of people up there making up songs or singing stuff written in the 1970s. I want something written in the 1790s. I like the original sounds of Christmas, besides Mariah Carey, of course.

But the best part of the mass was the homily. The priest commented on a man he met earlier in the day who he had to turn away from the free lunch program because they had closed for the day. It was the man's birthday, and so the priest gave him a dollar for every year of his life. "Since you can't come in here, where are you going to go?" "Assembly of God is open," he replied. The church roared with laughter. See, Assembly of God isn't a Catholic church, but it is right down the road.

And the priest's point was, and he said: "God is in the fabric of everything. He's in the fabric of that man's life, he's in the fabric of my life, and he's in the fabric of yours."

God is everywhere. He's in all things we do, and all things we see. He's everywhere. He's in the flowers and the animals, the people around you, the snow or the sun. It's pretty amazing. And what a nice thought at this Christmastime. I keep getting away from the church just because I never want to wake up on Sunday's, but I do like going to church. I think I'm going to start getting up again.

I ran!

I got my ass off the sinking spot on the couch where I spend my days and went to the gym. I ran for 40 minutes, completing not a lot of miles. I'm supposed to be doing 9 miles on Sunday. I'm not sure I'll make it, but I'm going to do at least 6. I promised myself I would get as far as the highway.

Treating myself well, including eating well today, has made my day a little better. I feel more refreshed now that I've worked out. I even inspired Michael to work out today. He's definitely planning on doing 9 this weekend, but he says he's going to do it tomorrow - Christmas.

I can't wait for Christmas. I love it so much. I love just seeing my dad in the Santa hat opening his presents. I love listening to my cousin's excitement as he opens every gift - he just gets so riled up! I love Christmas.

So I'm going to enjoy the holiday and try to be good to myself some more.

Uncertainty

Reverb today asks: What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

I could say the moment my therapist reminded me how lucky I am to have a safe place to fall. I could say watching snow fall and remembering why I wanted to come back here in the first place. I could say a lot of things about this year. But, they might be false memories. I don't know if everything is going to be alright.

There's so much uncertainty in my life right now: joblessness, dealing with addictions and wondering if I can do it on my own, Adam, finding a place to live, medical coverage. Everything is up in the air. I feel like I can't put down roots anywhere. Like the therapist says, I'm in limbo.

So is it all going to be alright? Yes, I'm sure it will be. Do I believe it yet? Maybe.

Paulo Coelho speaks

Traditional religious practices are important: they allow us to share with others the communal experience of adoration and prayer. But we must never forget that spiritual experience is above all a practical experience of love. And with love, there are no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships---but this ia all folly. The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters.

All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, "I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it." We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we recieve. We suffer because our loe is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules.

But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come tto spiritual experience. Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of ther era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called "the madness of santliness." They have been joyful---because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender.

(Text: Source:
Paulo Coelho writes in Author's Note of the story "By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept")