I'm alive!

Just got back from a week-long trip back to where I used to live. Ran 17 miles of the marathon before I couldn't possibly run any further, and got more of my tattoo done. It feels nice to have seen mostly everyone and to get some work done. I felt back in my element. Andrea even let me drive her car (I used to always be the driver when we all went out).

I'm sad to be back in my cave, but I'm off to visit Jennifer in the flyover states next Wednesday. Just one week I have to keep myself occupied. I think it should be fine - I signed up to volunteer at a local event Thursday and Friday and I'm dog sitting for my cousins Friday till Wednesday. Should give me something to do, and I get to stay at their house instead of here. Not that here is bad, I'm just over it.

More later. Now I need to clean the travel grime off me. Coast to coast is a long trip!

Down in the dumps

Made it out of bed by 2 and out of the house to watch the elephants and circus parade into town with the 2 year-old nephew. It was a short parade, but he was really excited about it. Then off to therapy. "It sounds like general apathy," she said. "Let's call the doc. Maybe we can get you on some different meds." Yes. Perhaps it's time. I just feel - blah. I don't care about anything. Nothing is giving me pleasure. There's no reason to get up out of bed or get dressed. I just feel ick. And it's gorgeous outside; everything is blooming and the sun is out. And I don't care. I'd rather be asleep.

I called the doc on the way home and left a rambling message. "I think I feel worse. I can't get out of bed. Here's my number." I don't know if it made any sense or if she'll even know who's calling. I hope I don't have to go in again, cause it's $85 every time. I'm sick of spending all my money on face time with the doctor and nothing is coming from it. "You were such a bright spirit in October, so full of life," said Julie. And look what's happened? Now I've lost interest in everything. I'm only writing this blog post so you don't think I'm dead. I can't even be bothered to read the news and find interesting links for you. Jesus, I bore even me.

So let's hope the doc comes through with some med changes. Something that works. Apparently Celexa does not.

The rest of the day

My dad came in at 8 and told me I had to get up. "Why are you still in bed?" Well, "I'm depressed and there's nothing to do." But he made me get up. Tomorrow he's making me go out into the world to see the circus parade into town. I am against circuses for a lot of reasons (scary clowns are the least of their worries) but I suppose I have no choice. He's made it so I have to help my cousin with her 2 little kids. I do not have the energy for little kids. I'll take the newborn.

I have done jack since I got up. Well, that's not true. I booked a flight out to the other coast for a wedding in June, complete with hotel and car rental. When I lived out there I flew back here 8 times in one year for weddings and stuff. Now, I've got 4 trips booked back there. I should just move to the middle and save on airfare. Though I do love to travel. I have a flight booked every month till June. Will be good to get out of the house and do other things.

I don't know if it's just my life is getting to me or the meds aren't working. I don't know if I should call the doc or not. I mean, my life sucks and has no structure, so it's easy to be depressed. I don't have to get out of my pjs if I don't feel like it. And I don't. I hate feeling this way. I need something to do with myself. Like a damn job.

Sleep is my friend

I can't even get out of bed. My mouse on my computer stopped working (it's built in) and so I'm having issues using the computer. It's just one button, but it's amazing how often you rely on the buttons for things. Michael just built this computer for me a few months ago, so it's frustrating that already something isn't working.

So I don't even want to play on the computer because it annoys me. I don't see the point in getting dressed, either. I don't have to leave the house till 5pm tomorrow for therapy, so why get dressed? Why dirty some clothes? Reminds me, I need to do laundry. Ugh. I don't feel like it.

I think I'm going to go back to bed.

Job-less

Looks like no job this week. The place down here just called to say there's a delay because of something going on there, paperwork and politics. And the place up north told me earlier that they still have to interview more people, which is a soft "no." So that means I'm basically unemployed through April. Even if I heard from the people here next week, I wouldn't start till mid-April, probably. Which means at least another 2 months of living at home.

I'm starting to get really depressed.

I just feel worthless, and useless, and pathetic. I can't seem to do anything with myself. I'm just... here.

I have interviews next week to prepare for, but I don't have the energy. And I don't care. I'm going away this weekend down south for a benefit for a place my friend Sam works, which should be nice. He's very entertaining and wants to go to the museum, too. I've never been down there, so a new city would be nice for the weekend.

Next weekend I'm flying out to the other coast to run the marathon of doom (cause I'm not prepared) and get the rest of my tattoo done. I'm starting to not even care about that, which is bad. I'm excited, really. It'll be really cool. I've always wanted a sleeve tattoo.

I give up. I'm going back to bed.

My girl likes to sleep all the time

Well, now I think we've made the switch from insomnia to over-somnia. I just want to go back to sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 last night and didn't get up and get dressed till 1pm this afternoon. So I've been up an hour and a half and already all I want to do is go back to bed. I just don't have anything to do with myself, so what's the point? I'm just sitting here watching Facebook and Twitter.

I need to find something to do. My dad has the car, so there's no going out far, but I could go into the city and just wander. I could go to a museum. I could... none of this sounds appealing. Sleep sounds awesome. I'm not even interested in finishing my coffee, which is unheard of. I hate depression.

And to make it worse, I have 2 more interviews next week. None of which I really care about, because I just don't care anymore. And I haven't heard back from the people who promised to call this week. It's Friday, for crying out loud. At 2:30. They're not going to call. I need to stop relying on these people for my happiness. I need to find something else to do. "Live, don't just exist." says my aunt.

I like me

Could just be the depression talking, but I've got to admit some things to myself: I don't really like running. I don't get stressed and think, "A good run will make me feel better." In fact, I usually think I should think that. And although I loved being a size 6, I'm perfectly comfortable naked at any size. I'm not ashamed of my body. In fact, I think it's pretty awesome. I'm sexy, and curvy, and covered in tattoos, and I love it.

So why do I try so hard? Why do I run anyway? Why do I keep going back to Weight Watchers? Because I worry. I worry that I won't look good in the kind of clothes I want to wear. I worry my tattoos will expand if I get fat again. I worry, I worry, I worry. And needlessly, methinks.

So I'm going to stop fooling myself. I'm ok the way I am. If I buy clothes I like in sizes that fit, it doesn't matter what size that is. My body is healthy and seems to settle at this weight, so let it be. Stop trying to be someone you're not. I've never been an athlete, so why force it? Just. Be. Me.