The temptations

I wanted a drink. I wanted a smoke. She had told me taking that path would lead to another drink, and I didn't want to go there, so I didn't even consider it for another minute. I took the easy slope, ignoring the direct path. Both were covered in sizable stones blocking parts of the path, both littered with roots rising from the dusty earth. Each path had its hazards, but one led straight to a drink, whereas the other would give me the time I needed to shore myself against that seemingly inevitable.

One foot in front of the other, I started to scope out this new way; to see what might lie in front of me; but the overhanging limbs blocked any clear line of view to what the future might bring. Pressing one light branch back, I made my way forward, walking past the bar and into the theatre, ordering a diet Coke. Inside, I sat and watched the man leave for a cigarette, putting one to his lips before he left his row. Only for an instant did I think to ask him for one, and the instant came only after he had gone - too late to act.

She ordered a bottle of wine. "Will this trigger you, my unhappy baby?" "I already want one," I mumbled back. "I won't judge," she whispered. Always the devil on my shoulder, I laughed inside. She had just given me a gift. Now, I knew I didn't want that at all. Just imagining the taste of cheap wine in a dirty theatre made me want to wretch. If I'm going down, I'm going down in flames with the most expensive bottle of wine on the list, and it had better be an expensive list.

I came back out into the night free of booze and cigarettes. "Why am I the only one in the family who embraces their alcoholism anymore?" she asked me, half jokingly. I just smiled, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and headed back home.

Caffeinated energy drinks

"New research indicates that individuals who have a high frequency of energy drink consumption (52 or more times within a year) were at a statistically significant higher risk for alcohol dependence and episodes of heavy drinking."

It's interesting to look at the new bans on alcoholic energy drinks that are happening all over the U.S. Apparently caffeine masks the effects of alcohol poisoning and the general effects of alcohol. That's why you drink coffee to "sober up." It doesn't actually sober you up, but the caffeine masks how the alcohol makes you feel. A lot of college kids have been overdosing on alcohol by drinking these drinks. I suppose they just don't feel the same high, and then want more to make them feel more drunk.

My cousin up north just posted that he bought 2 cases of this stuff in anticipation of the ban. He's nuts to put that on Facebook, cause he's looking for a job, and his mom is his friend, but it makes me think this problem is more widespread. He's not even in college anymore. He's still really young, and I hope he'll just grow out of it. Alcoholism runs in that side of the family, too, and he's already got the anxiety disorder to go with it.

Always something there to remind me

Sometimes when I have a diet Coke it smells like booze. I think it's from all the watered down Jack and diet's I've had in my lifetime. They all start to taste the same, and now I think it's just the diet Coke that reminds me of drinking.

Sometimes cigarettes remind me of booze, too. This afternoon I was smoking a cigarette and it just suddenly flashed on me that it reminded me of booze. Maybe even tasted like it.

I'm not really thinking about drinking at all. I have had the occasional, "wow, a glass of wine is what I would normally use to cure this," kind of thought, but not the desire to drink. I haven't had any booze dreams or anything like that, either. It's pretty amazing not to have turned to a drink at this point. Everything is upside down: I'm in the looking glass. I can see normality on the other side, but I just can't reach it.

So lonely without my old buddy

And, I'm still talking! Hooray! If you're awake too, congrats, you've found my very rambley brain this evening. Don't even bother reading everything I've written today, it's all crap. Well, no, it's kinda fun, but there's A LOT of it. And I'm not done yet.

So I was just talking about loneliness. Of course, there's a WikiHow for that. There's one for everything. It says, "Many times it isn't the partner or friend you are missing, but the activities and hobbies you shared."

A-ha moment! I miss booze!! That's why I'm lonely! I'm used to having my buddy old pal wine glass here with me while I surf the internet for random words that come to my mind. I'm used to bringing the bottle out of the kitchen and into the living room to accompany me from waking to oblivion. I'm used to stumbling into my bedroom and almost hitting my head on the cabinet in order to pass out in bed. Ah, booze, I sure do miss the hobbies we shared.

Let's reminisce: Booze, you and I used to go out into the backyard at 5 o'clock with a cigarette and watch the November sun setting. You and I used to sit around the campfire and watch the moths get zapped. We would finish our time together and then crush cans or collect corks. Together, we would walk the neighborhood watching other people watch TV at night. Booze, remember when you and I would sit on the beach? You in your flask and me in my fleece. We would stare at the city beyond and dream about stars. Oh, booze. We did so much together. What romantic times we had!

And yes, booze, together you and I got up the courage to talk to boys. We got up the courage to sing karaoke and to stay up all night discussing philosophy in slurring tones. We would stumble together into the next bar, or through the field looking for a place to pee. Booze, we would share moments alone and with others. You stole my heart from the very beginning.

And now, you're gone. You've left me for another. Well, technically, I left you. I broke your heart, and now I'm gone. I'm seeing someone else. His name is God, and he says I shouldn't see you any more. You're only trouble. Oh, booze. What about the good times we had? Why couldn't they all be like that? Why did we have to fight so? I'm sorry, but I have to let you go. I miss you, but I'm not coming back.