Just when you think you're ok

I had no idea I had that in me. Sometimes you raise your hand to speak thinking you're going to say one thing, and then something else entirely comes out.

So I made it to the club tonight and went to the 7pm meeting. I didn't care what kind of meeting it was, but it turned out to be a basics (beginners) meeting, which was perfect. Paul led the meeting and talked about sponsorship. He told us the things his sponsor told him to do, how he took a while to find a good sponsor, and the importance of going through the steps with someone. He opened the meeting and said, "I see a lot of new faces. Talk, don't talk, but just know if you don't introduce yourself then no one is going to talk to you. If you want to stew in your own juices for a while, we'll let you."

A few people spoke, and then I raised my hand.

"I'm in a bad place right now. I'm sitting on step 4 without a sponsor. I want to be sober, I like being sober, but I need someone to help me stay sober. So please, if you know someone who's looking for a sponsee or you know a meeting where there's good sobriety, dear Lord, please help me."

And it came out just like that. I had tears waiting to burst out, which I didn't know were there, either. And like AA everywhere, people rallied. They suggested good meetings, someone gave me their phone number, and Paul told me I was coming out to dinner with him. "Let's go get something to eat." Over omlettes and toast he told me all the women in the club who had great sobriety, the bipolar man who was grand-sponsor to a great woman, and the meetings where the women hang out. He gave me the run-down of everything a newbie needs to know about the club.

I'm making a commitment to make some of the meetings he told me about. There's one at 5:30pm every day that I can make every day but therapy day, and I'm going to have to make myself do it until I find a sponsor who tells me otherwise. There's also a 7am womens meeting that I've got to get my butt to. I need to make those connections. I need a sponsor.

His will for us

Just went to a fantastic meeting with a good friend. She was so funny. "I wanted to point out across the room: gay, gay, gay, I don't know, gay." She was trying to make me feel more at home from where I came from, even though I'm not gay.

The women talked about the second part of the 11th step, praying only for His will for us and the power to carry that out. I keep praying for His will for me. I am trying to practice patience again, and just wait to see what God has planned for me, instead of using my ego and forcing my will on everything.

A lot of women talked about how they've had trouble lately with work and letting go. A lot of people were also unemployed or had other issues going on in their lives. It's kind of nice sometimes to know I'm not alone in this.

So God's will. What is His will? Obviously it's for me to have interviews, but we'll see which one turns out. Should I take the first one offered to me as a sign of His will, or should I wait for the one I want? I hope His will is for me to get a good job I like, that I can stay in for a couple of years.

Oh so early

Sometimes you've got to sacrifice sleep in order to get to meetings.

I have lunch with the old folks in my family on Saturday so I need to hit a meeting before just to steady myself. My crazy old aunt will probably mock me for not drinking, just because she's kind of a caustic person. Then again, I was wrong about Diane, so I might be wrong again. Anyway, I want to go to a meeting beforehand just in case. So guess when I've got to go? 7:30am. That's right, AM if I want one before. Ugh.

There are tons of meetings after, and I'm sure my sponsor will take me to one Saturday night. I still haven't found a social life, but I think now with these ladies I'll have more things to do than I have time to do it. Adam is busy this weekend with his dad visiting, so I'll have tons of time to make connections. Not that Adam stands in the way of that, but on a typical Saturday I would ask him to take me to a meeting. He knows so many great people and he's just fun to be around.

I can't seem to sleep. I think I'm on a meeting high. I am just really excited about that meeting I just came from, and all the good people I met there. I hope to keep cultivating these relationships. Hey, being unemployed is good for something!

All the young folks

I think I just found my niche. I went to a great meeting tonight at the behest of my sponsor. She couldn't go, but gave me a number and said I was carpooling. I love being told what to do. You don't have to think. I am usually more independent, but again, I'm working on being dependent.

So Jane came and got me and we rolled out to the meeting. It was a young people's celebration meeting, and the room was packed. It was pretty hilarious, though, all the women on one side, all the men on the other. I love it.

I met a group of ladies who all have varied levels of sobriety, with a few still living in the women's home. I got about 6 phone numbers of women who want to take me to meetings and to hang out. And there were tons of smokers, so we all stood around for an hour afterwards and hung out chit-chatting. They were funny, and fun, and talked about all sorts of things, not just sobriety.

My sponsor and I are headed into the city tomorrow for another young people's meeting and to get together to finally chat. It'll be nice to get to know her more.

A sponsor?

Went to a beginners womens meeting tonight. We talked about powerlessness. I feel completely powerless right now. I'm powerless over my job hunt. I'm powerless over the fact that I have to live with my dad. I'm powerless over the fact that I don't have my car and am kind of stuck here. I'm completely powerless.

My life is in chaos right now. It just seems like everything is a mess. But, I have so much to be thankful for. I need to keep remembering that, and give the rest of it up to God to deal with.

I think I found a temporary sponsor, though. She seems nice, but she says I live too far from her to be a full-time sponsor. It's not horribly far, but it is in the next town over and at the far end of that town. But she can help me in the meantime. I'm going to a meeting at the Serenity Club tomorrow with her that is a 12 step meeting. It should be interesting, in the least.

The weekend

It's amazing; I made it through the wedding without drinking. I used my tools: I kept a diet Coke in my hands the entire time, I called other alcoholics, I took breaks where I didn't have to be around the drunks. It went well, though hanging out with the bridesmaids all day while they were drinking was really tempting. But I made it.

A friend of mine says to be careful this week, since I'm probably a little on edge still from going through that and so many other changes. It has only been a week since I moved here, and only two since I was fired. I am eating like crazy, and smoking a lot, but we'll see if I can buck up and run more.

I'm going to that women's retreat this weekend in the city. I hope I can find a sponsor or at least some good women to talk with. I've been calling my contacts from where I moved from, but I know I need some local ladies to call and be able to hang out with. I'm also going to lunch with a friend of mine who doesn't drink, which will be nice.

I am getting a little stressed. I'm sleeping a lot more. I'm trying to stay out of that pattern. Maybe I should go for a run tomorrow morning and start my week over again?

Fellowship of AA

"The reality is, you can't just put the drink or the drug down. Something has to go with it – people need support as well."

Fellowship is an important part of AA. When you feel that need for a drink coming on, you can always pick up the phone and talk to another alcoholic. When you've got to go to a function with alcohol, take another alcoholic with you. Being together often helps you overcome that urge, and you can take comfort in the person standing beside you.

I've found a good group of women in AA thus far. There's one woman who I've noticed has been missing the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure if she's just busy on Monday nights now, or if she's relapsed. She was having a tough time, but was 90 days in. She went on a long vacation, and I wonder if that triggered her to drink. I'll have to ask the ladies on Monday if they've seen her. Or you know what? I'll call her now. It's one of the things you can do for another alcoholic: call them.

I wonder how I'm going to find that fellowship again if I move. Do I just announce at a meeting that I need numbers? Someone did that this Sunday, so I suppose it's alright. I'll just walk in somewhere and ask about a women's meeting as well. I love those meetings the best. It's so comfortable to be in the presence of women who've been through what I've been through, and have what I want.

Approved for all ages

There's a lovely girl in my womens meeting that joined AA when she was 16. She's got 8 years sober.

My sponsor just met a woman who is 84. She has one year sober.

It's never too late or too early to realize you have a problem with drinking, and work on solving it. You can be early in your career before you've lost everything, or you can be someone's grandma, just realizing that she has a problem, or just now willing to do something about it.

The nice part is, there are women in this program (and men) from all over the spectrum of age, race, religion, creed, whatever. Wherever you look, if you look, there's someone you can relate to on those levels, and always you can relate to people's stories. Sharing is the most important part of AA, because it brings people together and gives hope. One can see that there are others just like you, and they have found that happy place the promises suggest. They may still have a rocky time now and again, but just like life, AA isn't perfect.

Be the best Big Book

Today's meeting focused on the 12th step: bringing AA to others through our life practices (you know the real version).

Adam always tells me, "You may be the only Big Book someone sees." The 12th step is probably the most important step, because it is what shows other practicing alcoholics that there is a way out of that life, should they want it, and it's better over here. Maybe not greener, sometimes, but the grass is better tended on this side of the fence. It's part of the "attraction rather than promotion" part of AA, as well. Being a good person with a spiritual life gives you the opportunity to be there in the life of other people.

I'd seen AA before. I'd been with others before. But when I realized I had a problem, all Adam had to say to me is, "You know what to do." And I did. I'd seen the dramatic change in him over the past 5 years, and seen what AA had brought into his life. He is by no means perfect, and spent some of that time being a little too much of a Big Book, but he's been the best example for me.

And now I look for women in the program who have the kind of spiritual life that I want, and I ask them about themselves and their journeys. I've met some amazing women, and all of them have a piece of what I need to make myself complete. I'm gaining in knowledge and serenity everyday, and for that I am grateful.

AA is like a dog

Someone said tonight, AA is like a dog.

Dogs offer you something special. They'll give unconditional love to you, anytime, day or night. They know when something is bothering you, and are willing to lick your face to make you feel better. They're incredibly loyal, protecting you from things that would do you harm.

AA is like a dog, only it lasts longer. The only problem with dogs is they never out live you (unless you're super old and get a young dog).

AA offers something special, too. A place where people will love you unconditionally, and will show up in your life day and night. People in the program will stand by you in the toughest times, and everyone seems to know when you need a hug or a helping hand. AA's are loyal to you as well. You can relapse, but they're always there to help you stand back up. And the program outlives you. What you put into it and other people lasts through those people you have helped, and gets passed on to the next generation.

AA is like a dog, good and kind, loyal and loving.

Meeting anxiety

They say when you don't want to go to a meeting that's when you need one the most. There's a great meeting tonight with a speaker who speaks the whole time. You get to hear a lot of someone's story, and their wisdom. A lot of people really have great wisdom to share. I like hearing about how others have picked themselves up and found a program that gives them a path in life which is so different from their original path.

Amanda just texted to ask if I would like to go to dinner with the girls beforehand. My first instinct was to say no; it's not like I'm doing anything here, I just am anti-social. But I said yes. So I'm off to hamburgers with the ladies of AA and then on to the Friday night meeting.

Sometimes I just get anxious about this kind of stuff. What am I going to talk about? Can I just sit and listen without anyone thinking I'm awkward? Am I awkward? Usually after a few drinks I'm a lot of fun and can always think of something entertaining to talk about. Now, I wait for those silences. I'm just going to have to develop the confidence that I always lacked in these situations.

A lot of folks have said how shy they actually are, and how anti-social, and that they began using alcohol as a cure for that. I think that's right on target.

So off I go to sober dinner!