My grandma is a genius.

My little old British grandmother sent me an awesome card today. I'm just going to repeat it verbatim and you can imagine it in the accent:

"It takes practise, practise, practise!!! However, once mastered it is oh so worth while to know that you are only the co-pilot. God is in charge of your life - then the burden of decisions is lifted. It works for me. I do not worry over bridges I may never have to cross."

She's a genius. Let go and let God, or as she always told me, offer it up. Let God into your life and let him take control. Know that all you have control over is your reaction to things, not the things themselves.

Life turns out the way it's supposed to, and you only get in the way when you try to control it. Relax, and let the world form around you.

This doesn't mean you are excused from making decisions or taking actions, but consultation with God and your inner soul make good sense. It never makes sense to sit in stasis. You have to move - you have to live. Life is too short to sit around waiting for things to come to you. God will present them, and you just have to make the decision to grab on for the ride.

Focus

How do you focus on yourself without being selfish?

Adam tells me I need to focus on myself a little. Pull out the sober and examine it. I know this is part of the steps that I need to do - take the next year to really focus on me and my feelings, needs, etc. And I can do that. With the help of my therapist and my sponsor, I can do that. I have supportive friends, family, and a new network of lovely sober people to lean on.

But how do you do that without being selfish? How do you stop worrying if others are ok all the time and ask yourself if you're ok? How do you stop in a situation and ask yourself if you are doing what is best for you? Adam calls it "doing the next right thing," when you take that step that is best for you.

So what's best for me? Getting away from my mom sure was the next right step. But what comes next? Where do I need to head now? When I think about it, I know that I need to work on getting better work. I need to work on being sober, and quitting smoking. I need to not drink so many damn diet Cokes, for crying out loud. But what about the bigger picture? Where am I going?

Feelings, nothing more than....

It's really strange when you realize you've never really felt a feeling before. You know, like FELT it. Not just thought, "Huh, I should be ____ ." But really felt it.

Being sober makes you feel everything. All of it. You can't drink it away or shove the bad feelings down with alcohol. Instead, you have to learn to deal with them as they come.

Feeling feelings is hard. There are so many of them, and a lot of them hurt. Love, fear, jealousy, pain, guilt, shame. All these things can come up in your daily living and yet nothing can block it out like the drugs and alcohol did.

So what do you do!? I suppose the answer is the rely on the steps and the help of my sponsor to get me through. Following the program and writing things down, talking about it in meetings, doing the steps. I think these are the things that will get me to a better place where I can feel the feelings and not have to be scared of them.

I can't sleep

I can't sleep. I'm sitting here, writing away at one in the morning cause I can't sleep. I think I'm tired, but I'm not, really. There's a lot on my mind right now. My body is just keeping up with my brain.

Adam is already asleep, tucked away nice and comfy in the bed, and here I sit. I could be warm and cuddly in my nice feather comforter, and instead, I'm out here sitting on the floor typing to you people. Not that you're not all lovely people, but I'd rather be sleeping.

I already played with the neighbors' cat and snuck a cigarette. Adam, when you read this, sorry, I just couldn't hold out any longer. Two days was a lot! I got pretty far.

So, what wisdom on sobriety do I have to impart? Sober sleeping is tough. Usually I would have a glass of wine and that would unwind me enough to sleep. But now, I don't know what to do to quiet my mind. That's why it's nice to have a blog. I can talk to myself without annoying the other people in my apartment.

I suppose I just need to lie down and do it. You know, maybe I'll take my ipod with me. I'll sleep with it on and just try and relax. Like we talk about, there are bees in my head (or in the program they call them the committee). They're buzzing about making me think untrue thoughts. Everything is just the way it should be, really. I have to believe that. I can't control the events of the present or the future. I just have to be and let things happen as they may. Step three - let go. I just have to keep reminding myself that a lot. Let go. Relax, Anne, relax.

Dinner without drinks

Ok, so I know there's a kind of dumbness to my wonderment, but I'm blaming it on being sober and never really experiencing life before. Adam and I went out to dinner tonight, to a nice place, and had a bunch of really good food. And guess what? We didn't have to drink a bottle of wine with it for it to taste good. We could have coffee, not cognac, after dinner. Imagine that - You can still enjoy a nice meal, maybe even enjoy it more, without alcohol! I never would have thought of that before.

Before, in order to have a nice night I would have had to pick out a nice bottle of wine for before dinner, one for during, and maybe an after dinner port or something. Eating was a drinking affair. Now, eating is just that - eating. It's something you do for the pleasure of itself, not in order to drink more and get drunk. Life isn't all about getting drunk.

Funny how that is, right?

Get on with it

My dad tells a story about me that says it all: My teacher called him one day to say that I was being rude. Knowing that wasn't like me, he asked me what I did. I said I was reading the textbook and she asked me to stop so that I wouldn't read ahead of schedule, and she got mad when I told her this was my second reading of the textbook.

I have no patience. I don't like to wait till the rest of the class catches up to me. I want to be done with it. I want to play piano right the first time, instead of having to take "lessons" (another story my dad tells - I thought I would just get it day 1).

That's kind of like the steps. The other day I told him someone I was thinking I had to make amends to on step nine and he laughed and said, "But you're on step 3!"

Typical me.

So I'm on step three. My sponsor and I are going to go over it again tomorrow, and then hit step four in the literature. My therapist and I decided 4 is going to be trouble for me. All the "character defects" I used in my youth to help me, or use now, that now only hurt me, are all kind of buried into my unconscious. I don't even know what I do, because all of my emotions are so compartmentalized. I used my intellect to try to control situations in order to keep myself safe. Is that manipulative? Yeah, but it kept me safe. Will it still be good to use that in some situations? Probably. I just need to see what is useful and what is preventing me from learning and growing.

Here I am, talking about step four. Sigh. Step three. Offer it up.

I'm really working on letting go and letting God have it. I'm trying to free my mind of expectations and really just live life on life's terms. Jesus, I'm starting to spout AAisms. I must be pretty sober now.

Happy Fourth of July

It's the fifth of July and I have spent the last three days at pool parties with heavy drinkers. And you know what? I didn't have to drink! I did consume my weight in diet coke's, but I didn't have to have a touch of alcohol. At some point someone spilled a beer on my leg and I felt like Lindsey Lohan, ankle bracelet a buzzin.

I'm off in a minute to another party, and I know that I can have a great time and stay sober no matter what.

July is a kind of tough month. My grandpa died two years ago on the 11th. Grandpa, you say, but they are supposed to die before you! Yeah, but he was really special. He was my rock. He was the one who protected me from the worst, and yet plunged me into difficult situations. If I were a guy, I would say he's the reason I became a man. He made me strong by giving me responsibilities, and he held me up through the toughest spots in life.

At his funeral, I was a mess. I wept more than my mother did.

And after, my whole alcoholic family got shitfaced together. I drank with them all, and when they retired to their hotel rooms I went and sat in the bar. I wallowed in my scotch until Adam called and offered me a ride home. As usual, he always knows when to call. I sure needed a friend that moment.

And now, two years later, I can celebrate my grandpa by doing something good for myself - by being a better woman. I know this would make him proud. I know he's smiling at me from wherever the good men go, and thinking I'm finally making good choices for myself.

I love you Poppa.