Easy there, tiger

"The slogan "Easy Does It" is one way we A.A.’s remind each other that many of us have tendencies at times to overdo things, to rush heedlessly along, impatient with anything that slows us down. We find it hard to relax and savor life."

Ahh, relax. I have such trouble with this. I just want to do things right and right now, and so I rush them. Simple things like getting the line down at work makes me so anxious that I rush and mess up the register. Slow. Down. It's not a race. People can wait an extra 2 seconds for you to type in the right codes the first time. It'll go faster if you focus on doing it right.

I've been thinking a lot lately about living in the moment; being where my feet are. Sitting at the bar last night I was trying to concentrate on the conversation at hand, not on the fact that I wanted to leave or join another good-looking group. I try to focus on the hot water in the shower, the sound of my feet hitting the ground when I walk, savor the taste of something instead of think about how hungry I am or how unsatisfying soup is when you want something else.

Is it working? Sometimes. Sometimes I'm able to give myself that little moment of pause and celebrate whatever I'm doing. I've slowed down a lot, I think, but not enough. I need to appreciate what I have right now: be where my feet are.

Lessons lie in challenges

One major lesson I learned this year, and am still learning, is how to be patient. I'm horrible with patience. I've never had a lick of it. I'm impulsive by nature, and it just doesn't seem to go with that innate characteristic.

But I am learning now. Trying to go through unemployment with a strong head and an optimistic view is tough! After being unemployed these 4 months (thank you Congress for extending the unemployment), I've learned that sometimes an interview doesn't get you a job. I've learned you can't even count on being the top candidate - sometimes circumstances don't lead to a job. And that all has led to patience. Patience waiting for that next call, and looking at it as just an interview, not a chance for a job. I've learned that I can't just jump into something. I've learned that being bored as hell at home doesn't mean I need to go get a retail job - I would lose my unemployment.

So patience. Patience is a virtue I still don't hold, but it's getting better.

How do you organize your thoughts?

There was a neat thing on PostSecret this week about organizing your thoughts. The postcard said, "I love looking at people's garages because it shows how they organize their thoughts."

My garage is super clean in my part of it, with just things in tidy boxes, a tv, and a stationary bike. But my house is another matter. Everything is in it's place, but it's pretty dirty. I haven't done a deep clean since Adam was here in July. It's September. I need to vacuum, there are dishes in the sink, there's an eggplant waiting to go into compost, and dust is collecting on my books. I need to do laundry, too.

So what does that say about me? I'm organized but lazy? Maybe. I do organize my thoughts pretty well, using Excel, calendars, and more. But sometimes I'm lax about doing the regular things. I like to do the big things, the serious jumps that scare you, but the day to day bores me. Ah, patience again. I need to be where my feet are, and follow through on the everyday responsibilities no matter how boring they may seem.

Patience is a virtue I don't possess yet

I love when you hear something great at a meeting. A gentleman was talking to me before the meeting and read me a passage out of the Quaran. He said, "Sometimes people and things are put in your path as a trial. You just need patience and to trust in Allah."

Ah, patience. I have been learning patience for the past few weeks. I know that there are a lot of things I'm waiting for, from the job to the trust of friends, and I know these things will all come in time: God's time, not mine. So these trials, these things "in my way" are put there to remind me of that. To remind me that patience is a virtue I need to learn.

Jump!

Another great look into the genetics of drinking. They found that mice (again, poor mice) that were genetically bread to be impulsive (seeking quick rewards over delayed gratification) were more likely to drink, and to extreme. But here's the good stuff:

"Our data can clearly be extrapolated to humans and strongly suggests that impulsivity contributes to high alcohol drinking. Consequently, the diagnosis of any disorder associated with impulsivity, such as attention deficit disorder or bipolar disorder, is cause for concern about future problems with alcoholism."

That's right, us impulsive people are more likely to turn to alcohol. I am so impatient and totally impulsive. I like to jump, rather than think. When I have too much time to think I just get nervous and stressed, and I always go with my first instinct, anyway, so there's no point in waiting.

Ah, but I have to wait. There are things, like life, that work on someone else's timetable. Like this job. I just had another interview, this would be #4, and then they tell me they won't get back to me for two weeks. The lady I would be working for is out next week, so it'll be the week after. Argh! I can't wait to hear. I have so much to do. And I have a big event coming up at work, so the longer I have to get things done for it. Which is probably good, but I'm ready to not have it on my plate anymore. I like events, but my boss is impossible to please, and so it seems futile to try hard. Blech.

ACOA

Growing up in a dysfunctional home can have lifetime effects on you.

"Often you chose relationships that reenact what you grew up with such as having partners that are not emotionally or physically present, such as your parents. You may find yourself contributing to enabling behaviors as your parents did growing up. You might chose to live in denial about important issues in your life, because that is the only defense mechanism you feel comfortable with when you are in pain."

I'm not a child of alcoholics, but a child of dysfunction, nonetheless. My mom was unstable during my teen years, and probably showed a lot of that behavior in my childhood, which unfortunately I can't remember. I do look for friends with drama, but lately I've been looking for normal folks. People without addictions and hard family lives. But I'm just attracted to these people! I find them without even knowing about it.

My fun defense mechanisms were alcohol and drugs and controlling behavior. I'm trying to remedy all that, as well. I need to learn patience and love for others, and accept that people can do it on their own. Not everyone needs my guidance.

Therapizing

"Alcoholics and addicts, time after time, would rather get loaded again than have to face some inner truths. The freedom from self is made impossible by holding on to fears and secrets we've harbored all our lives, the way of strength, paradoxically, is in becoming vulnerable."

So I've been in therapy since I was 15. That's 15 years of weekly (minus my college years and some bits and pieces here and there) that I've had to pay someone to open up to. And have I done it? Not really.

My first therapist was kinda famous. His name was Joe Novello, and he is the brother of Guido Sarducci, the Saturday Night Live dude. Novello was great - smart, handsome (not that that matters in a therapist), and well-versed in child psychology. He would have had some wonderful things to say had I felt like talking, or even listened. I remember clearly we talked about my jeans one time and where I got them. That was pretty much like all the sessions. I talked about some stuff, but never got very deep.

I saw a few people in college; mostly counselors from the university cause I was too broke and didn't have health insurance. One of them tried to put me on Zyprexa, which I think is like a horse tranquilizer, and would have cost me $97 for a month. I never saw him again.

After my suicide attempt, I went to this nice lady named Joan. She was new-agey and into brain waves and such. She would meditate with me sometimes, which I found oddly helpful and still unnerving. I have trouble being quiet sometimes. I need to twitch. But we talked about my mom, and all my troubles from being a kid - the ones I could remember. We talked about the attempt and all the people it harmed. I got a little better; enough that I had the mental energy to take on a cross-country move.

After a few years of living here I finally got around to getting a therapist. I like her a lot (and I'm not just saying that cause she has this link). She does the meditation thing too, but only if I'm in the mood for it. I feel like she's listening, you know? And she gives good advice.

I think I'm finally in a place where I can actually start to look at the things inside myself, and make myself vulnerable. Ohhh, that just gave me chills. Maybe vulnerable isn't the right word for me. How about: more open. Over the years, therapy has introduced me to the idea of opening up, and I've opened up by telling my stories. Now, I have to keep working in order to FEEL my stories, and then actually deal with them. Looks like I'll be in therapy for a while.

Seven saintly virtues

In Catholicism you're not all bad. God loves you, which is why He sent His son to forgive our sins. I swear, it's not as bad as people make it out to be. There's no fire and brimstone.

So, to balance out the seven deadly sins, there are seven virtues. I added the saintly part. They are: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and yes, humility.

People are not all bad, and neither am I. I have those virtues, as well as those sins. Minus the chastity part, which I'm working on. It's like quitting smoking: it's really hard to not go out in your loneliness and find someone who will worship your body, if only for an hour. I should have been a prostitute, if the thought of it didn't make me want to cry. Sometimes I feel like I've already been one. Jesus. Now I don't even want to sleep with me.

Walking down the street at the beach with Adam, we gave a homeless kid the rest of our dinner. I know repeating your good works to others makes them not so good, but it's my blog. Every day I do charity and kind works. I work for charities, I donate money and goods each year, without the tax break, and I serve as a volunteer in a charitable organization. I've got love of your fellow man down. At least, I think. Lately, I've been a bit disgruntled. A lot of non profits are shit. They mess with their finances, and treat their employees like shit. Not all of them are like this, but I've worked in some bad atmospheres.

So, patience and humility are the two I'm working on. We've already talked a little about humility, and since it's so vital in AA, I'm sure it will come up again. Then there's patience. We've gone over that, too. I am impatient. I like things to come now. I want to be on step twelve. I want a damn spiritual awakening. I want to make amends now. I want to be on the way to peace and a better life. I just have to remember that I am already. Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say, and a deeper spiritual life for me won't happen tomorrow. I'm not going to heal my inner child next week. So I need to learn patience.

Thanks Bill

From As Bill Sees It, page 115:

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails."

I have always had a willingness to change. I'm not someone who has to sit on something in order to make a decision. I see change, and I grab it. I can see the possibilities and look to the future. I saw a life in another state and reached out for that life line. I saw that becoming sober was the way to go, and I grabbed it. I take my punches and have no regrets.

This also has its downsides. As I think I've mentioned before, I have no patience. I want to change NOW. I can't wait for the glories and consequences of change - it's what makes life worth living. The excitement of something new and different. Perhaps I'm a little ADD.

This program is slowing me down. I'm listening to people and to my own Higher Power, and trying to relax. I should just title this blog "Relax, Damnit."

So when they tell you not to make any changes in the first year, I balked (thanks Adam, now I always think "Bawk" when they say it). No change? I can't quit my job, or move, or get into a relationship? Nope. Well then, what the hell am I supposed to do with myself?

I suppose a big part of my program will be learning how to be ok in the moment and enjoy the things I do have. I have a job, and that's awesome. I actually don't want to move, though everyone else hates my dark basement apartment. And relationships? Well, I can wait.

Let's all live in the moment together. Just breathe and appreciate all you have. It's still ok to dream about the future - what is faith without works, after all? You still have to build that house where God can live, so living in the moment doesn't mean you can avoid change or not think about the future. But for just this second, be grateful for all you have now.

Get on with it

My dad tells a story about me that says it all: My teacher called him one day to say that I was being rude. Knowing that wasn't like me, he asked me what I did. I said I was reading the textbook and she asked me to stop so that I wouldn't read ahead of schedule, and she got mad when I told her this was my second reading of the textbook.

I have no patience. I don't like to wait till the rest of the class catches up to me. I want to be done with it. I want to play piano right the first time, instead of having to take "lessons" (another story my dad tells - I thought I would just get it day 1).

That's kind of like the steps. The other day I told him someone I was thinking I had to make amends to on step nine and he laughed and said, "But you're on step 3!"

Typical me.

So I'm on step three. My sponsor and I are going to go over it again tomorrow, and then hit step four in the literature. My therapist and I decided 4 is going to be trouble for me. All the "character defects" I used in my youth to help me, or use now, that now only hurt me, are all kind of buried into my unconscious. I don't even know what I do, because all of my emotions are so compartmentalized. I used my intellect to try to control situations in order to keep myself safe. Is that manipulative? Yeah, but it kept me safe. Will it still be good to use that in some situations? Probably. I just need to see what is useful and what is preventing me from learning and growing.

Here I am, talking about step four. Sigh. Step three. Offer it up.

I'm really working on letting go and letting God have it. I'm trying to free my mind of expectations and really just live life on life's terms. Jesus, I'm starting to spout AAisms. I must be pretty sober now.