A little Joni

It's not a show tune, and it's not horribly happy, but it's what I'm listening to right now. This song makes me feel.

Med delay

I just called the drug company that's shipping my meds and she said they should be here this week, even after the Homeland Security delay all the drugs have been having. She also told me about a "7 day stay" that you can get from any pharmacy. They'll give you 7 days of meds to get you through a gap like this, as long as your doc calls it in. So I'm going to call the doc and have him call the local pharmacy to give me a little layover. That should hold me until anytime this week they get here. She said they were expected to be delivered on the 6th, which means with the week delay it should be Wednesday or so. Not bad.

It's kind of ridiculous that it's taken almost a month for my drugs to get here. I'm glad I ordered when I did, or I would have been in real trouble. I'm already walking a very shaky line. One thing that sucks is if I call the doc and tell him I'm depressed, it won't matter. I can't go messing with my meds since I can a)not afford new ones or dosage changes b)wouldn't get new ones or dosage changes for a month anyway. So maintenance is all I've got right now.

Which means: I need to snap out of it. Right, telling a depressive to snap out of it is like telling someone with no legs to walk it off, but hell, I'll give anything a shot.

Positive self talk

The enneagram book says some more neat things, but they have a list of things a two should tell themselves, and since I'm giving the book back tomorrow I thought I'd write um here for posterity, and such.

"I am as important as everyone else.

It is as important for me to receive love and help as to give them.

I will speak up for what I want.

I do not have to give to be loved.

It is important for me to spend some quality time by myself."

So true, all of these things. I am important, and I have needs that need to be met. I should surround myself with others who will give and not just take. I should start relationships with emotionally available people and not try to save people from something. It talks about codependency in the book, and saving people is a huge 2 thing. I totally do that. I find the lost puppies with anger problems and try to fix them. Look where that's gotten me.

It also says be aware your desire for sex may camouflage your need for attention and approval. That kinda stung when I read it. I know I use sex, but I was never sure for what. I suppose it is just a mechanism for knowing that people like me. Maybe that's why it's so frustrating that Adam won't sleep with me. I can't tell how he feels about me.

Wow, I'm glad I'm in therapy.

229 is the magic number

229 days. That's how many days I have sober as of right now. 229. That's a lot of one day(s) at a time. That's a lot of vacations and work days, travel days and unemployed days. That's a lot of people I've seen and places I've been to. That's a lot of days.

In just these 229 days I've faced a lot of adversity and joy. I've faced moving and job loss, disappointments of all kinds and glorious setbacks. I've faced depression and overwhelming joy. I've been to weddings and holiday parties, church and AA meetings. I've reconnected with people and let everyone know I'm on this journey. I've stopped and started numerous things. I've been strong and I've been weak.

And it's over half way to 365 days. It's getting closer and closer. Soon it will be 365 days of continuous non-drinking (and at that time it will be 6 months of no smoking, too). What will happen between now and then? What will happen then? Only 136 more days can tell.

Enneagrams

Have you ever done the enneagram tests? They're neat little personality tests where you can find out a little more about how you tick. I'm apparently a 2, which is the helper. We are "motivated by the need to be loved and valued and to express their positive feelings towards others." Sounds about right, maybe. But then I read a book my therapist gave me and it said:

"How to get along with me (a 2):
-Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
- Share fun times with me.
- Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
- Let me know that I am important and special to you.
- Be gentle if you criticize me."

Wow. That's so me. I really need to know I'm loved and needed. It's important to me that others see that I do care, and I want to be here to help. I want them to come to me with their problems; I want to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear their concerns. And man do I get defensive when criticized. I hate it. It makes me think I'm unloved, and I just can't stand it.

It also says twos have trouble asking for what they want, and so become manipulative. Yeah, that's me, too. I have so much trouble even knowing what I want, and I don't usually know until I've manipulated the situation to give me what I think I need. I tend to "rule" other people in order to play out the situation the way I want it. I get frustrated when I'm not in charge. All two-like behavior.

It's funny when some odd little test can pin you down so perfectly. My horoscope does that all the time, too. It just seems to know me. Any book you read about my sign usually has me pretty much pegged. I don't know how.

Adam's mom had a psychic friend who did a map of Adam and my future while we were dating, but she never showed it to us. She said she couldn't let us effect the future by reading it. I have always wanted to know what she saw, because I'm pretty sure it would be right.

Curiosier and curiousier

Something Mr. Sponsorpants said that I wanted to share. He had a REALLY crappy day the other day, and made this deal with his readers:

So here's the deal: You don't lie, and bail, or drink or use or kill yourself -- just get through the day with as much dignity and grace as you can muster -- and I'll do the same.

I think that's the best deal you can make with yourself or others. Just don't drink or use is of course super important, but there's also the other great bits of wisdom in there. Don't lie. Live by the Golden Rule: do unto others. So if you don't like being lied to, don't lie. Don't bail on plans you've made. Follow through. And don't kill yourself. It's so not worth it.

I heard someone say when they were using every day they would wake up and think, "God damnit, I'm still alive." And now, after 4 years sober, they wake up and think, "Man, I'm curious what's going to happen today." Cultivate curiosity. Find something to look forward to. Hell, make it up. Try to look forward to the sun setting every day if you can't think of anything else. Look forward to the temperature change at dusk and try to be there to feel it. Anything that gets you through the day.

So let's make a deal: Just for today, don't drink or use, don't lie or bail, and cultivate the curiosity to live with.

Ambitious

She said it in a matter of fact voice; a matter of fact thing: "I run from the things that scare me. I just learned it. When something makes me uncomfortable I sink into depression, I withdraw from others, I take that pain inside. But at least it takes less pain now to make me realize what I'm doing."

I thought Nicole was so right. When something is wrong I sleep more, I sink into depression, I withdraw. And I don't know if it's the depression that comes first or the pain, but I'm starting to think it's the pain.

Losing your job hurts. It doesn't just hurt for a second, no, that's just the initial sting, like a scorpion. But then it aches, and the aching doesn't just fade. It stays with you, like a migraine. And eventually, all the lights, the good things in your life, just hurt, too. Eventually everything hurts and it's all too much, and then there you are - in depression.

So here I am. I'm grateful for a lot of stuff, but it just seems the more I'm grateful the less happy I am. It's not having the desired effect. And I think it's because I'm a snob. I think maybe, just maybe, losing my job and not being able to find one is a lesson I'm supposed to learn. Maybe my HP knocking me down a peg. See, I wouldn't ever date a guy who lived at home (didn't care the circumstances), I would look down on people without even thinking about it like that. I would spend money carelessly on things like blenders and gourmet foods because I could afford it. And now that I can't even buy cheap groceries, I'm remembering what a farce expensive food stores are. How silly it is to eat out all the time.

I think I'm supposed to be learning a lot more from this season of my life than I've been getting out of it. Working in the store has taught me, again, the value of work. It's good to have a job, any job, and when someone asks you to do it, and really counts on you, you have to get it done. There's no messing around and ignoring your projects in a job like mine. I don't get to come in and sit at my desk and check Facebook. I have to do the laundry, and code the packages, and price the new products. He's counting on me.

So I'm relearning the value of work, and real work. Not desk work, but actual labor. And I'm remembering how much more I enjoy it than desk work. If I could make the money I made sitting at a desk by doing retail work I would take it in a heartbeat. I'd rather be on my feet greeting customers, running the register, refolding products instead of staring at a computer screen and being bored out of my mind.

Maybe I should just take a part time gig and then work retail. Maybe that's the best way to go about this. Maybe I should take out that loan and go to school for what I want instead of what will further my career. Maybe I'm just not a career girl, afterall....