Curiosier and curiousier

Something Mr. Sponsorpants said that I wanted to share. He had a REALLY crappy day the other day, and made this deal with his readers:

So here's the deal: You don't lie, and bail, or drink or use or kill yourself -- just get through the day with as much dignity and grace as you can muster -- and I'll do the same.

I think that's the best deal you can make with yourself or others. Just don't drink or use is of course super important, but there's also the other great bits of wisdom in there. Don't lie. Live by the Golden Rule: do unto others. So if you don't like being lied to, don't lie. Don't bail on plans you've made. Follow through. And don't kill yourself. It's so not worth it.

I heard someone say when they were using every day they would wake up and think, "God damnit, I'm still alive." And now, after 4 years sober, they wake up and think, "Man, I'm curious what's going to happen today." Cultivate curiosity. Find something to look forward to. Hell, make it up. Try to look forward to the sun setting every day if you can't think of anything else. Look forward to the temperature change at dusk and try to be there to feel it. Anything that gets you through the day.

So let's make a deal: Just for today, don't drink or use, don't lie or bail, and cultivate the curiosity to live with.

A break up by any other name

I did it. I broke up with my sponsor. I called and said, "Listen, I just don't think I can dedicate the time to AA right now, what with all the other crap going on in my life. I don't want to waste your time or mine." She was really great about it. "Just keep my number and feel free to call me anytime, even if it's a year from now."

I feel like a jerk, but kind of relieved. You all know my problems with her, but I'll recap a little. I think she just dedicated her life to AA, which is a great thing, but I want more than that. I don't want AA to be the central theme in my life. I don't want to have only friends in AA. I don't want to spend every night of my life doing AA related things. I want to keep the friends I have, and I don't necessarily want all of them to know I'm in AA.

And she's so young! I don't know if she really understands life, or life on life's terms. She definitely didn't understand the concept of a networking event, and how you can't just show up for a minute and leave. It's all about meeting the biggest amount of people, and giving out your business card. I understand she was worried that there would be booze there, but I think it was still important that I went.

And I know I feel better not having to lie to her. I mean, I didn't HAVE to, but I felt like she wouldn't understand my feelings about AA, and therefore I didn't let myself get close to her. One should be close to their sponsor; trust them with their life story. And I didn't.

So I need to find a new sponsor. It's time to go back to meetings more often, and seek out someone more like my original sponsor. Someone who gets life and knows AA can't be everything to me.

Don't take that

My cousin has a serious problem with shop lifting. She'll do it anytime anywhere. Most of her jewelry and all her sunglasses have been lifted from places. She lifts groceries all the time, too, or gets to know the people at the store and gets them to mark down stuff or label it wrong so she can get stuff for discounts.

I've never been a shop lifter. It makes me feel bad when she does it, and she tries not to do it around me. One time, we loaded up the car with Christmas wreaths and decorations and she only told me later that she just paid for one. It gave me a rush, no doubt, but it just felt wrong. I almost told her to take them back.

Today I had to return a salad at the store because the lettuce was bad. I had bought 2 salads, and decided to get three to replace the bad one (for my dad and I). He asked if I was returning two and buying just the one. I thought about it for a millisecond. I could totally get away with it.... But I didn't. I told him the truth, and I feel better for it.

I've been thinking about shop lifting. It might create that rush I've been missing from doing drugs and other stuff. I suppose you really just do replace one addiction with another, but I'm too moral to do it. Don't laugh. I really have values deeply instilled in me, and it's just something I couldn't do, temptation or no.

Networking in a bar

The Big Book says not to go to drinking establishments unless you have a good reason to be there. This week, I'm going back to one of my old haunts. It's the basement dive bar in the city where I used to go after work 6 years ago. We would walk in, and the bartender knew immediately what we all drank. He wouldn't even ask, he would just bring it over.

So I'm going back. Why am I going? Well, everyone who is going is someone I know, or someone who works in my field. My mentor asked me to go to network with some people he's bringing. It will be good to see everyone, too. I like all these folks, and I don't have to drink. Isn't that cool? I don't have to drink. But here's another opportunity to lie to my sponsor, or just leave out the where we're meeting. I could always say a restaurant, because it is, technically.

Will I be ok back in my old haunt? I think so. Just the smell of alcohol kinda makes me ill. I hate talking to people who've been drinking. The smell on their breath is gross. I remember a time when Adam said drinking turned him off, and I get what he's talking about now.

Why is my sleep so funky?

I didn't sleep last night. I kept waking up every hour and staring at the clock. I would fall back asleep only to wake up the next hour and stare at the clock. I talked to my sponsor this morning, and she was saying that something must be up with me. "It'll come to the surface," she said. I just have to go to meetings and talk to people.

Maybe it's the lying to her that's got me up at night. I've been thinking a lot about how much I lie. Remember back a few months ago when Michael said I don't actually lie a lot? He was pretty sure I'm too honest. I can be too honest about a lot of stuff, but not when I want someone to like me. Then I seem to lie more often. I pretend I'm someone I'm not.

So what do I do about it? Do I confess that I haven't been to enough meetings lately? Do I tell her I'm a little uncomfortable having to call her every day? It's getting easier. And they always tell you, of course it's uncomfortable. We're not used to depending on anyone but ourselves. We're not used to getting close to people. So I suppose I just have to keep doing things that make me uncomfortable.

It's time for a run.

Lies!

Oh, Mr. Sponsor Pants, sometimes you are speaking to me. Lies are always bad. Really. It's never as bad as you think it's going to be when you tell the truth. Often, we lie because we don't have faith in other people to handle things. You can't make decisions for others, and you can't know how they will react unless they know the truth of the situation. Lies of omission count, too. They're still lies.

I do it all the time, though. I try to protect myself by keeping everything smooth - not telling the whole truth because it might upset someone, or someone might get mad at me for something.

I've been lying to my sponsor all week. I haven't been to a meeting since Thursday when I saw her last. She asks every day if I've been or am going, and I lie and say yes. I old her bluntly this morning that I was going to hit a meeting tonight, when I had no intention of actually doing it. I know, I know, I feel better when I go to meetings, but I'm just so damn lazy. Not that it's really far away or anything, but I get stuck on this damn couch and just don't move.

It's kind of ridiculous. She's an adult, she can handle the truth. I know it will get me in trouble, and she won't like it, but why am I afraid of a 100 lb girl? Just because I told her I'd do something and I didn't? You bet I am. So I need to be honest from now on, and that starts with going to a meeting tonight.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

Apparently this is a trait of any good alcoholic, but I've noticed lately how much I lie. I tell little white lies a lot of the time. If I go out at work to smoke a cigarette, and everyone knows I smoke, I'll say I went out to talk to my mom. Or I got a soda and ran into someone I know. What in the world is the reason for me to lie, there? Who knows why I do it, I just happen to do it a lot.

I tend to make up things, too. I just say whatever comes to mind first, whether it's true or not. Adam, unfortunately, has truth serum, and I say the stupid truth 99% of the time, sometimes to my disadvantage. I'm also an over-sharer. I tend to tell people all sorts of stuff about my personal life - things not everybody needs to know, like the fact that I'm bipolar. Sometimes you need to keep things to yourself. I just can't seem to help it!

So I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop lying, but to not spit everything out, either. I need to be more reserved in the things I share. Here's to another project.

It's story time, kids

I apparently have a lot on my mind today, so I'm just going to keep writing till I can't think anymore. Oblivion by blog.

One summer my best friend Emily and I went to Atlantic City with her mom and aunt, and we spent the night gambling away in a casino. We ended up in a dive bar and were approached by two Mafia looking guys. They bought us some drinks, and then introduced the fact that they had a pound of coke they were looking to share. Awesome! So we hoped into their town car (complete with driver) and headed off the their yacht in the Trump marina. Yeah, I know, Mafia.

Emily went down below deck with one guy and (she says) talked all night. Me, being the addict I am, stayed above deck drinking with the other dude, and doing all the coke I could possibly snort. Like, really. I "woke up" sitting in the chair talking about God knows what, and looked to see that 2/3 of the coke was gone. I had apparently blacked out till sunrise.

Wait, why am I lying on my blog? Oh yeah, Adam, don't look. I woke up with the dude going down on me. I don't know how he got there, but thank God I didn't have sex with him.

I went below and got Emily, and she grabbed the rest of the coke on our way out. Then I fell off the boat onto the dock. My knee was bleeding, and I was laughing my ass off, but she didn't care. "We have to get back!" She was all worried that her mom would be mad, but I figured there was no use hurrying. Either they knew we didn't come home last night, or they'd know soon enough.

Anyway, we did the rest of the coke the next week. It's amazing I didn't have a heart attack that night, or overdose again. This was in college, and I wasn't on any medication then, so no drug interactions, but still. That would have been awful. I bet those guys would have just thrown my ass overboard and left. Another night I should have been dead or raped. Another night I was incredibly lucky. Or blessed, as it might be.