I'm ok, you're ok

I just got an email from a place I interviewed and she had the nicest compliment for me. "I thought you were very grounded and genuinely happy (which is actually hard to come by these days) and you seemed flexible and likely to get along well with just about anyone." Genuinely happy, huh? Man, I'm a good actress!

But I suppose I am generally ok. I'm an optimistic person, and I like to look at the bright side of everything. I suppose that keeps me on the happier side. I have been able to be pretty ok with everything that's happening in my life and the world despite it's challenges. I suppose I could add resilient to all that above.

Maybe it's modern pharmaceuticals, maybe it's me, maybe it's a combination of both.

In the aftermath

I fell asleep sometime as it was getting light and the airplanes started going overhead. I think it was 6:30 or 7. Then I got up at 10, and then noon. I'm so exhausted right now that I can't even think of what to do with myself. I don't want to read the news, because it's so horribly depressing, and I've already done my family duty today. I went and hung out with my cousin for a while, which was awesome. She's a really cool person and nice to talk to.

Perhaps I should take a nap. I know that will increase the chances I'll be up all night again, but I don't know if I can make it.

Yep, still here

Well, it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. Michael has long since gone to bed, because it's even late over there. I'm guessing it's the Celexa that's keeping me up. I laid down for a bit, but I'm restless. I can't seem to just lie there. And when I do, I still don't sleep. But I'm tired now. I wish I could sleep. Maybe I'll try again. Just force myself to lie there for a long time.

Or I could play video games. Or surf the internet. People are about to be awake.

No, I should try to sleep. I just hope this doesn't induce a manic episode.

It's all about the work

"The evidence shows that people can find meaning in seemingly insignificant jobs and that even trivial tasks make us far happier than no tasks at all."

That's right, even crap jobs make us happier than being unemployed. I sure could have told them that. Jesus, if I don't get a job soon....

I've been doing some contract work on the side, but I fear I'm not doing a good job. I'm 6 months out of practice doing anything, and I feel like my skills are dwindling by the second. I hope they like what I sent them on Friday. Either way, I'm getting paid, which is nice, but I don't care. It's about the working, not the money.

Be all you can be

Be a nice girl, Michael says.

I am a nice girl. I go by a code of morals and rules that come from the Golden Rule and do no harm. I try to be good to people. But I've always tried to be the bad girl. The drunk, high, smoking, girl in black with tattoos and combat boots. I wanted multi-colored hair but couldn't do it because of work. I'm always dressed normally, and nicely, for work. In the past year it's all changed. I've lost the smoking, drinking, and getting high. I have almost all nice clothes and nothing skanky at all. I wear high heels.

I know none of this makes me a "bad" girl or a "good" girl, but I've always wanted to be a bad girl. It's not going to happen. I suppose I just need to be myself.

Enter the dating world

Ugh oh. I think I might be dating.

I don't want to be dating. I don't want a relationship. I thought I did, for a while, but I really feel like my life is in too much chaos at this point for anything else. And I don't know about opening myself up to someone again. It takes so much energy. I don't mind it, but I get really intense without meaning to. I suppose relationships make me manic in the beginning, and then I get cranky. I know my pattern, and I need to change it.

The double dose of Celexa has also killed my sex drive, and so has gaining weight. I don't particularly feel like having sex any time soon. Whatever. I'm so blase.

Anyway, so I went to breakfast and a museum with a guy on Saturday, thinking I'm making a new friend. Now, he wants to tell me that he's in the middle of a divorce "before you find out from Facebook." Why would I care unless he thinks we're dating, right? I'll have to set him straight soon. I don't want to date right now, but I am in need of friends. Damn. Why is life so complicated?

And you know what he just told me? His divorce is because of her "descent into alcoholism." I told him I don't drink, but not that I was in AA. I wonder how he'd feel. I wonder if he'd freak that I'm bipolar. Life.

Sleep, damnit

It's 2am and I'm awake. It's been on and off sleep and insomnia all week. One night I'm up till 5 and up at 9am, and the next day I'm down for naps all day. It's a vicious cycle, but I'm just not tired. I can't seem to just lie down, but I'm not hyper or energetic, either. It's not like I'm busy and that's why I'm awake. I'm sitting here playing on the internet again and emailing with Michael. Sigh.

I'm really nervous about this week. I have a feeling it's the week I'm going to get a job, but I don't know which one it will be. I have a feeling it's the one here that I don't want that much, but screw it: it's work. And it would have really good benefits and nice people. I just need to train myself to be a little more... uptight. I can handle it. I can handle anything.

It would be so nice to have a job. I'm so sick of being unemployed and without my own home. I know it's not the biggest travesty in the world, but losing your independence is depressing. Now I know how old people feel. Sort of.

Enough of my blathering. Time to download more apps for the iPhone. Free, of course, since I gave up online shopping.