Enter the dating world

Ugh oh. I think I might be dating.

I don't want to be dating. I don't want a relationship. I thought I did, for a while, but I really feel like my life is in too much chaos at this point for anything else. And I don't know about opening myself up to someone again. It takes so much energy. I don't mind it, but I get really intense without meaning to. I suppose relationships make me manic in the beginning, and then I get cranky. I know my pattern, and I need to change it.

The double dose of Celexa has also killed my sex drive, and so has gaining weight. I don't particularly feel like having sex any time soon. Whatever. I'm so blase.

Anyway, so I went to breakfast and a museum with a guy on Saturday, thinking I'm making a new friend. Now, he wants to tell me that he's in the middle of a divorce "before you find out from Facebook." Why would I care unless he thinks we're dating, right? I'll have to set him straight soon. I don't want to date right now, but I am in need of friends. Damn. Why is life so complicated?

And you know what he just told me? His divorce is because of her "descent into alcoholism." I told him I don't drink, but not that I was in AA. I wonder how he'd feel. I wonder if he'd freak that I'm bipolar. Life.

Love is in the air

I'm so tired. I was up until 5am just messing around on the internet and talking to Michael on the phone. It's weird: he hates the phone, but has called me twice this month. I don't know what's up with him. He told me last night he might start dating this girl he met, but he's not sure yet. I think he feels guilty or something. I think it's great! I want him to meet a nice girl and get the love and care he deserves. I know I can't provide it for him, so it's good he gets it.

Speaking of dating, I think I went on a date this morning. I met a guy, Roger, online and we met up and toured a museum today. I don't know if it counts as a date or just getting to know someone as a friend. He's a complete geek, but of course, all my friends are geeks.

I really don't want to be dating someone. I think I'm getting curmudgeonly in my old age. I don't want to date. I'm perfectly fine being single. And now the Celexa and gaining weight have taken away my sex drive, so I don't even care anymore. Is that bad?

Back to the point: I'm exhausted. Is it too early to go to bed?

Shit sucks

I've been reminded twice today that my birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. I'm not going to the look back yet, but boy what a year it's been. It was the best 6 months of my life in the beginning, and the worst past 6 months. I suppose there is yin and yang, good and bad, in all things, but man, what a ride.

My aunt and my therapist, Julie, both told me I have to stop saying everything is alright. I'm allowed to be upset, miserable, depressed. In fact, I probably should be. But I'm so used to being optimistic. I'm used to seeing the bright side of life. But shit sucks! Man, I'm about to be 31, living at home on a twin bed with all my stuff in storage, I lost my dog, I don't have my car but I'm still paying for it, I have one friend here that I see, and I'm not even dating. Shit sucks.

Here I go again. Well, if it sucks, Anne, what are we going to do about it? I'm going out with an old friend on Sunday and he just invited me to something next month, too. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow night with someone, but I don't think she remembers it's tomorrow. I'll have to call in the morning. I'd like to see her. So there, I'm hanging out with friends and getting out of the house.

I don't want to do anything else on the dating front because I don't know where I'll be living. Damn. I need to just do it. I need to just date. I'm scared, I guess. I've gained some weight back, which makes me feel self-conscious. And I don't have any of my cute shoes and dresses. They're all in storage. And I don't have somewhere to take a date should I want to take them home. Sigh.

I need to get it together. No wallowing in how much my life has changed this year. I need to move forward. Time to move on. Now how can I get out of here?

Match?

My therapist thinks it's about time for me to stop pining, and start dating. Apparently it's unhealthy to think about your ex so much and "wait" for him to make a move. Sure, he kissed me, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes, but he's also the one who tells me not to overthink it, wonders why we have to talk about it, tells me he's dating. So whatever. I need to get over it and move on, right? He's had almost 5 months to say something besides "I don't know how I feel about you."

She suggested I do something like Match.com. Even if I don't meet "the one," maybe I can make some new friends from it. I did eHarmony last year on a bet from my aunt, and met a new friend (and some creeps). It was a fascinating experiment, but maybe if I took it seriously I could get something out of it. Only problem is, you have to sign up and pay for that stuff.

Other options? Well, there's always Meetup. I can join groups who do stuff, which would get me out of the house and meeting people. I need to make friends too, she says. That's one of her goals for me for the new year: make more friends. She's a smart cookie, that one.

Angry birds took my sleep

I totally forgot how satisfying it can be to play video games. Michael turned me on to this game called Angry Birds, and now I just can't stop playing it. It's nice to have something to go to when you can't sleep, and this is just as mindless as drinking but it's only making me frustrated and laugh instead of drunk.

I used to play video games as a kid. I had a Nintendo and would play baseball, Mario, and Bubble Bobble (look it up, it's awesome). I used to come home from school and my mom would be playing, and so I would pick up the other controller and together we would beat different games. It was fun to play, and to bond, and to space out. I suppose you learn all sorts of stuff from video games without knowing it, but I really just like the little puzzles.

I can't sleep. I just tried and laid down for an hour. All I got out of it was the urge to reply to an email I had been avoiding. It was my friend Roberta on the other coast asking me how my love life is. I was helping her plan a second date when she asked. I just didn't feel like replying, "The only person outside my family I ever see is Adam," and she knows the story, there. I replied, and told her I was just going to join a nunnery and live vicariously.

You know I haven't dated anyone in 3 years? It's strange. I've never been single this long. In fact, I was never single from the time of my first boyfriend until I broke up with Adam. And then I only had a few months before Michael and I started dating. But since Michael there's been no one. That's kind of sad.

Life mantra

Don't sell yourself short, and don't act out of desperation.

Michael told me this today, and said it applied both to my job hunt and dating life. I need to be a little more picky about what I choose to do and who I choose to be with. I haven't been very picky thus far; dating anyone who asked and taking any job that wanted me because I felt desperate to get out of whatever situation I was in.

But I'm worth more than that. I can do better than whatever comes along. I can be picky. It doesn't make me elitist or stuck up, it just means I know myself. I can't take a job where I'm going to be bored, because then I'll just slack off and get myself fired again for not doing anything (least that's the reason of the week). And I can find a man with whom I can share conversation, activities, and love. Someone who wants to be around me all the time, but can be without me too. Someone I can talk to and who can talk to me.

So don't settle for whatever comes your way. Be picky. Don't act just to act. Show yourself some love and self-care.

Lessons from the therapist

I got homework from the therapist: a)get your sleep back on schedule, b) make a vision list, c) pull away from the bad things in your life slowly, d) think about dating.

My sleep has been funky, as you can tell by the times on all the posts. I've been up into the wee hours of the morning just sitting here on the computer being prolific. Go me. So I've got to find another way to have time alone, rather than waiting to stay up all night just so it seems like I have my own apartment. Tonight I've got to go to bed early because we're getting up at 5 tomorrow and hitting the road to head up north. Traffic should be awesome.

A vision list is something you do that's kind of like a fourth step: what are my characteristics now, and then what do I want them to be. So if now I'm obsessive about stuff, and I want that to change, what does that look like? Also, the simple things like how do I want to dress in the future, and what will my career path look like? It's like making a five year plan, but looser.

I told her I quit smoking and she commended me, but also warned me about the difficulty of doing that while I'm trying to find a job and do a million other things. She thinks I can do it, but I need to change those habits slowly and realize that if I slip it's not the end of the world; I just need to get back on that horse.

Oh, dating. She talked about how I have the obvious capacity for intimacy, since I've shown it with Adam, and how a lot of people just aren't capable of that. She thinks I have the potential to find a really fulfilling relationship one day. She suggested I look into the possibility of dating, but not having sex. Just taking it one day at a time - maybe just going to dinner or a movie. I think it's a nice idea, because I don't really want to be in a relationship right now, but I do need the practice, and it's good to meet people. We'll see what the sponsor has to say.

I'm still really bad at wanting to listen to my sponsor. For starters, she's 26. What the hell did I know at 26? Nothing. I'm sure she knows a lot more about AA than I do, but when it comes to life, I think I've got a leg up on her. So it's hard for me to want to tell her things and then listen. I mean, if I think of her like a friend and she's giving suggestions, then that's cool, but it seems like in AA they expect you to do exactly what you're told. I think I'm going to be a rebel. I hope that doesn't hurt me in the end.