Let's get the sleep in order

Julie and I talked about my biggest problem lately: the sleep cycle is all messed up. Apparently, I'm not alone. "In fact, 43% of Americans between the ages of 13 and 64 say they rarely or never get a good night's sleep on weeknights, according to a recent poll by the National Sleep Foundation." I'm sure some of those people have the same problem I do, well, I think: side effects from meds.

Celexa can cause insomnia and so can depression, both of which I have. Julie thinks it's the caffeine intake. Probably because she see's me with a cup of coffee every time I go in. It's my ritual before therapy to get a cup of coffee. It's my only purchased coffee of the week, usually. I like latte's. What can I say?

Whatever the reason, my sleep is all messed up. I'm either not sleeping at all, or sleeping 12+ hours at a time. And I never know which night is going to be which. It just happens. I don't do anything differently. I don't drink extra caffeine or anything like that. I just sometimes can't even close my eyes I'm so awake.

"You need something to exhaust you during the day."

"Like a job?" I said, snarkily.

Situational depression sucks

I know I'm depressed, but there's just such a good reason for it. It's impossible to separate out the situational depression from the bipolar depression. Will increasing or changing meds help? Is the Celexa doing anything? I'm not suicidal, so that's good. Apparently one of them (Celexa or Lithium) is doing something. But not enough. I'm still depressed.

But what do I expect? Magic? Do I think the drugs are going to suddenly make it all better? They can't do that. Everything really is shitty. I mean, really. I can put a happy and grateful spin on everything like I've been doing for 6 months, but when you come down to it, my life is shitty right now. I could also point out that it's my own damn fault. Well, some of it. I need to get out there and do more things.

I signed up to volunteer at two events coming up. I love volunteering. I love the free t-shirt, most, but I love to get out there and be happy and smiling at events. I also signed up to be a volunteer at the Zoo's special events, so hopefully they email me soon about stuff. I used to work at the Zoo where I used to live and work their events. It was always so much fun.

So, you see, I'm trying. I'm trying to be optimistic and grateful and get out there. But I'm still depressed. So what's going to change it all? A job and an apartment of my own will help. A little of my independence back. A life. Getting to know more people and making more friends. Visiting my dog. What else can I do? Make this go away!

Sobriety makes life easier

I was talking to Adam the other night about being sober. "Have you given up on AA?" he asked. Yes, I think I have. I mean, it's a great program, and it helps a lot of people, but I'm just bad with groups. I love to join groups, but I don't last long. I'm just not that great of a social being, especially while I'm depressed. It was a nice way to help me get started being sober.

But what I've found is I no longer tell myself I CAN'T have alcohol. I just decided not to have it. I've made a choice, not a provision in my life. I decided that for today I don't want to drink. Maybe I'll have a drink tomorrow, but today I'm ok without it. In fact, I feel better. My depression is lighter, even. My meds work better. I'm all around better off for not having alcohol in my life.

And what's cool is sometimes restaurants have neat non-alcoholic drinks to try. This restaurant we went to made it's own ginger ale, which was fizzy and cool to drink. I never would have tried it before. I would have just gone straight for the alcohol.

Being sober is something I think that has saved my life in the past few months. I know if I had still been drinking when I was off meds I would have tried to kill myself instead of just thinking about it. I know now that though I may spend my days sitting in front of the computer, at least I'm not spending it in front of a bar and sleeping with random strangers, because that's what I would be doing. I've learned that you can go to concerts sober. You can have holidays sober. You can go through job loss and major depression sober. And it makes it all easier.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Lipstick makes me feel better

For some reason, just the act of putting on lipstick can brighten my day. I suppose it's the feeling of actually doing something for myself. A little self-care. I don't know. But it definitely makes me feel better.

I have a great pinkish coral shade I found in Paris that I love to wear. It's really bright, and definitely a statement. I wore it on my birthday. I love to put it on. It just makes me feel empowered for some reason! Right now I put on a pale pink. It was the first one I saw on my counter, and it seemed like the way to go today.

I've been thinking about makeup lately. I don't wear any unless I'm going out on a special occasion. I'm just really too lazy to do it everyday, and I never thought I needed it. But lately I've been thinking about how uneven my skin tone is becoming. I don't know if it's aging or the change in climate, but I think I might need to start wearing makeup. I have some, and I like it. It's really light and almost invisible. Perhaps I'll start experimenting while I'm unemployed.

What is this feeling?

So last night, I finally got some sleep. I went to bed at midnight and got up at noon. I think it's because I didn't take the Celexa. I moved it to the mornings, so I took it this morning instead. It's not keeping me up, per se, but it's definitely giving me that blank feeling. I just can't seem to feel. At least I got dressed today.

Perhaps it's all stress based. I'm supposed to hear from those two jobs this week, and I don't have anything else waiting in the wings, so they're really important. If no job this week, it won't be till May that something comes (figuring another months process of interviews). I'm so stressed out about it. I can't think of anything to do to distract myself, either. I suppose I should go for a run, but that's not going to happen, I know it. It was hard enough just to get these clothes on, let alone change again and then make my way outside.

What is wrong with me? The double dose of Celexa was supposed to cause mania, if anything. Why am I still depressed? Oh yeah, cause my life sucks right now. I'm stuck here at dad's, I'm broke, I lost my dog and my car to my mom, I don't have a job, and I don't have any friends. That last one isn't true, but most of my friends are living in different states, and all of them work during the day, so I'm alone 90% of the time.

You're not alone, you say. Your dad is retired. He's home. Yeah, well, he's more of a hermit than I am. He sits in his room with his baseball cards and I sit in mine with my technology, and we see each other in the kitchen sometimes. It's like living alone.

Ok, I'm done whining for the day. I think.

I'm so bored

I hate this. I'm in one of those moods where I'm not depressed, per se, but I'm just... eh. Here. I can't think of anything to do and so I'm just sitting here reading Twitter and the news channels, which are all about the disasters happening in Japan. It's starting to depress me to read about it, so I'm trying to find other news, and there's nothing.

I need a job. I need something to do during the day. I could go pick up some pictures I had framed, but I'm saving that for Thursday when I have all day to do nothing. Today I have therapy for the first time in 2 weeks. I accidentally forgot one week, and the next she was on vacation.

So what has happened in the last two weeks? Well, she'll be happy that I went out on a date and to a party. She likes when I get out of the house. I like when I get out of the house, too, but it just never seems to happen. I suppose I have been doing a lot on the weekends when other people are available. It's just times like these: 3pm on a Tuesday, when everyone else is working. What do you do with yourself?

Do your drugs really work?

"Americans are less than 5% of the world's population, yet they consume 66% of the world's psychological medications."

That's a lot of us drugged up on Prozac and Xanax and the like. But do these meds even work? According to this article, they work 25% of the time. As much as a placebo does. Yet we're paying millions of dollars a year for them, and risking complications like permanent involuntary movements and heart disease. Psychiatry has changed from one of care and do no harm to drug and don't care about it. Who knows what we're really taking in with these medications!

I'm not saying stop taking them. I'm going to keep taking mine. They're the only thing between me and a horrible depression, and I'm much happier risking losing a few years to heart disease than dying now because of depression.