Match?

My therapist thinks it's about time for me to stop pining, and start dating. Apparently it's unhealthy to think about your ex so much and "wait" for him to make a move. Sure, he kissed me, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes, but he's also the one who tells me not to overthink it, wonders why we have to talk about it, tells me he's dating. So whatever. I need to get over it and move on, right? He's had almost 5 months to say something besides "I don't know how I feel about you."

She suggested I do something like Match.com. Even if I don't meet "the one," maybe I can make some new friends from it. I did eHarmony last year on a bet from my aunt, and met a new friend (and some creeps). It was a fascinating experiment, but maybe if I took it seriously I could get something out of it. Only problem is, you have to sign up and pay for that stuff.

Other options? Well, there's always Meetup. I can join groups who do stuff, which would get me out of the house and meeting people. I need to make friends too, she says. That's one of her goals for me for the new year: make more friends. She's a smart cookie, that one.

Watch the day away

I miss my girls. On a day like this, the day after New Years, the four of us would be getting together to watch a marathon of our show. It's 6 seasons in, but usually we would pick a season and start again from the beginning, just for fun. We would cook breakfast at 7am, crack the champagne, and start watching. By 8 at night Jennifer would be asleep on the floor, Amanda would be drunk, Rebecca would have gone home, and I would be the last one actually watching. It's part of the obsessiveness. I think I was the only one ever really watching.

So today, I decided to do it myself. I woke up late and put on our show, season 1, episode 1, and started my movie marathon. I own all the seasons, and I copied them to my iPad, so I'm just sitting with it propped on my pillow. I did what we always did during the marathons - I did my toenails and fingernails. I drank coffee instead of champagne, and I ate popcorn instead of breakfast pizza, but it still felt like a little bit of "home."

I miss my old home a bit. I miss having my apartment, my dog, my car, my friends, a job. I'm lonely here. I suppose it would help if I left the house every now and again, or joined some sort of club, but I just don't have the energy right now. My meds are here, according to the note left on the mailbox, but the office downstairs is closed till Monday, so I can't get them. I'm not blaming this homesickness on lack of meds, but it's sure not helping.

I'm done feeling like I'm on vacation. I'm done with this. I need a job; something to do, somewhere to live where I can call it my own. I need a life of my own.

Happy new year!

I can not believe it's 2011 already. It seems like the past year went by super quick with all the amazing things that have happened. I wonder what in the world is going to happen this year....

Resolutions for 2011:

1. Well, we know get a job and an apartment is number 1 on there. I have another interview on Monday, and a potential one later in the week. I think I should hear from more people now that the holidays are over. Right? Right. And of course, what comes from having a job is getting an apartment on my own again. It's been 4 or so months that i've been here, and I am grateful, but I miss having a place of my own. I miss having some alone time and my own stuff.

2. Actually train for the marathon and run them to the finish. I am so not prepared for march's marathon, nor any real running, since I have been extremely lazy the past few months. I need to get back out there on the road and prepare! I spent tonight with my cousins, and even invited me to come out in may for a half marathon in their hometown, so that's another one on the books.

3. Hm. Shouldn't you always have there of something? Good things come in threes.... Right? You know what? I'm going to keep up this blog. I really enjoy getting everything out on "paper." I know most of the time I'm talking to myself, but I'm ok with that. It has been extremely helpful to just talk it all out. So I think I will continue this journey with you, and thanks for listening.

Happy new year!

It's all the same

Adam and I had another fight last night about my involvement in AA. He talked about what worked for him in his first year; how he fought it tooth and nail, and then gave in to it. "I know it's worked for you. I saw how great it was for you in your first year." His face turned red. "You have no idea! You weren't there!"

And I wasn't. After we broke up I lost my mind. I slept with my boss, I went out to drink every single night till I was so drunk I fell asleep on the train, I acted like the 25 year old fool I was. I was broken by our breakup, and everything about me showed it. But I wasn't there for him. I avoided him. I couldn't see him. I couldn't stand it. The pain was deep, and I knew he wouldn't succeed with me in the way.

When Adam and I get together we often talk about our breakup. "Why does it always come back to this," I asked. "It was a watershed moment in both of our lives," he replied. And it's true. It was something that changed me forever. And him. But how will it work out in the end?

My first date

Reverb today asks, what central story is at the core of you. My core, eh? I have a few stories that have defined my life, but none more than another moment in time.

It was the night of my first official date. Jay was taking me to the movies, and to dinner. I was 15, and so excited to be let out "alone" with him. Of course, his dad would accompany us everywhere, but that didn't matter. We were still together, still almost alone in public. We could walk together and hold hands, kiss in the movie theater, just chat over dinner. I was madly in love for the first time, and ready to share my first date with him.

His dad came in the red van and opened the door for me. Out stepped Jay with a bright red rose in hand, all dressed to the nines. I had on my best dress, and he escorted me to the car, assuring my dad that I would be back before 9.

I don't remember any of the date, but I do remember them dropping me off later to an empty house. No car was in the driveway, and the house was dark. Where could my parents have gone this late? I knew something must be up. Amazingly, I hadn't lost my key that week, and I let myself in the front door. I called out, and then noticed a note on the staircase.

"Took mom to the hospital. Be back for you. Dad."

And I knew. It wasn't just a trip to the hospital. She had no fever, no cold, no broken arm or leg. It was her mind which had gone. What had happened? Why had they left me alone? Why couldn't I be a part of whatever was happening? I sat down on the stairs and wept for the last time in years. How long I sat there, I couldn't tell you, but my dad came in to find me sitting there, and brought me to the car. "Your mom took an overdose. She's ok, but she doesn't want to see anyone." We went anyway, and sat in the waiting room for hours until she changed her mind.

I remember seeing her face; she was sitting up and smiling, but she looked pale, unlike herself. The rest of it fades to black, but that's when I knew everything was different. That I wasn't wrong about how strange things had become at home. I wasn't losing my mind. She was.

Therapy saves my life

"He who thinks much is not suited to be a party member: too soon, he thinks himself through and beyond the party."

I'm following this guy on Twitter who does Nietzsche quotes all day. I liked this one. I have trouble being in any sort of group, or with group-think. I don't belong to a political party, even. And I think that's where my trouble with AA comes from. I'm able to think myself through and beyond the party. I can see where it has amazing benefits, and it really is a program that was ahead of it's time - something that is transformational. It's worked for millions of people, and failed millions more.

My therapist is behind me on this. "I have you, what do I need a sponsor for?" She agreed, "Many people work the steps with the help of a therapist instead of a sponsor. However you want to do it, or even if you just want to continue with therapy, is fine by me. If it works for you, keep doing it." When I moved back here the first thing I did was find a therapist. I've been in and out of therapy since 1995, and when I'm out of it I'm crazy. Therapy keeps me sane; it's something I can rely on to help me reach inside myself and find the truth.

It works a lot like AA, I think. Therapy is a program of self-knowledge and change, if you do it right. And it addresses the underlying emotional wreckage more deeply. As you can tell, I really love therapy. I rely on it. It's one party I can get behind.

Really? Do I have to quit?

Sigh. I've been sighing a lot lately. I know diet Coke isn't the best thing to drink, but I just read something that says it might be worse for people who have already messed up their livers. Of course, a lot of this article just sounds like fear-mongering, but there is evidence that aspartame is bad for you, and bad for weight-loss.

So is 2011 the year I quit drinking soda? It won't be that hard; I only started drinking sodas when I quit drinking booze. But I'm sure it will up my coffee intake. I drink coffee all day long, unless I'm drinking soda. I don't put sugar in it, but I do put fake, powdered creamer, which can't be good for you at all, but has no calories. No calories is more important when you're on your 6th cup of coffee. Even skim milk would put me at 2 glasses a day, which is good for you but bad for calorie counting.

I'm a little obsessive, I know, but my pants don't fit. Again, I should go for a run, but I'm not going to. Why? Because I'm lazy.

Anyway, I'm out of diet Coke right now and I may just not buy any more. I think I'll be fine without it. Instead, I'll try to start drinking water again. I used to drink a lot of water. I just always have to be drinking something. I have a wobbly wrist problem - I just like to tip it back and forth with some sort of liquid in it.