Bypassing the thoughts

Well, we're back to being depressed. I've finally hit weepy, suicidal, icky-poo-yucky depressed. I either can't sleep at all or sleep so much it's ridiculous, and I never know which night is going to be which. I'm not hungry at all, and I'm even losing interest in coffee, which is not a good thing. Coffee is my friend. I feel like I'm on autopilot - just going through the motions.

I have so many scars on my hands from cutting or "accidentally" cutting. You know, the knife slips, or I put my hand through a window. Accidents. In this light, and in this depression, it's easier to see them. I notice them more and think about drawing over them with a new blade. Just drawing out the red; just to see it dripping slowly down my thumb. So I'm keeping blades away from me.

I'm scared of razors, anyway. Since my suicide attempt 8 years ago I've been afraid of them. Yesterday at work there was one on the desk and I had to get it away from me, but I was so afraid to pick it up. It took me 15 minutes, but I got up the courage to gently lift it and move it to the other side where I couldn't see it. I turned away from it, but never with my back to it (like it could spring up and get me).

I've had the thought of suicide come through my brain in the past couple days, but it's just been the thought, and then the thought subsides. It's never a plan, never a reason coming up, just the thought, "You should just kill yourself." Talking with Julie (the therapist) today, and she asked what I say to myself when that happens. I usually think one of three things: I'm too curious to leave; you fucked up so bad last time and look what happened; someone else would have to suffer by finding you, and that's unfair.

So they never make it past just a thought. And I know they're silly, but I can't help it. Such is the nature of depression: you have no control over it. Julie wants me to get out of the house and use exercise, people, and drugs as deterrents to this depression. I'm getting out of the house tomorrow for an interview, Thursday for work, and Friday for a meetup, so that's good. I'll have a reason to get out of bed. I need to start exercising again, and meds is a whole nother post....