Should we start over?

Meds. Jesus. They're still not here. I gave up and just stopped taking the one I have left over. It seems ridiculous at this point to even bother with the drugs. I keep going off and on, or spacing them out over time, and that decreases the efficacy. I know it's the reason I'm so depressed. I called the company and they're on the way, but that's just not helpful.

"Are you fighting it or are you having a bit of fun wallowing in it?" Julie wondered. I am having a bit of fun with it. I haven't been this depressed in a long time, and I haven't been off meds in 5 years. I'm sort of seeing how it's going. I mean, what better time than now to prove to myself that I need the meds. And maybe we can start all over.

The meds were super expensive, and they're not doing me any good in the mail, so maybe my doc and I can work on getting me on a generic. We were going to ween me off this cocktail in March (if I was still unemployed) anyway, and start me on something cheaper, so why not do it now? I'm already weened off of everything. Why not just call him and say, ok, let's do it. Let's experiment. I'll just send back the drugs when they get here and get my money back.

I think that's my plan. Then I can get on meds that are a)cheap and b)accessible by local pharmacy. So my next step is to call the doc in the morning and get a plan with him going. Julie says to say it's urgent, which I suppose is true (since I'm having suicidal thoughts, and all), but that just seems silly. I'm not acting on anything. I suppose it's best to do it before all that happens.