F*%$ the heart

It's so frustrating. I have so much to give, you know? I'm a person full of emotion and love. Someone who can cry and feel and give, give, give. But the person I want to give it to scares me. I never know what's going on. He touches me, he looks at me for a while, he wants to cuddle with me, he wants to see me... but he wants to be friends, he thinks too much, he doesn't know what to feel. So I'm trapped. I can't let it all out, and when I let anything out I get scared of the reaction. Should I even tell him I like to cuddle or will he then push me away for getting too close?

Sometimes when we say hello or goodbye we'll hug for hours. It just feels like he's trying to pull me into him. He'll squeeze me tight and lift me off the ground or cradle his head in my neck and rock back and forth. And I'll think, good, now I can hold him back. I can rub his back or pet the back of his head. I can squeeze back and say through my body how much I miss him.

Or then there are nights like tonight where he doesn't even use both hands. Where I ask for a second hug and he seems reluctant.

I told him I'm confused sometimes; that I walk on eggshells around him. I knew it would upset him, but I don't think I was clear enough on the concept. I'm scared of losing him if I say what I really think, because I sometimes think he's looking for a reason to run from me. There's just so much going on there. It's not a normal friendship; it's laden with emotion and meaning, whether either of us likes it or not. And I don't know what to do. I can think about it all I want and rationalize how I should feel, or what I should do, but that's all bullshit. The heart wants what the heart wants.

And what does my heart want? Sometimes I really ask; I really sit down and think, is this it? I mean, there are some bad things about him - I'm not blinded by love. I see his faults, his flaws, his issues. I know what they are, and I see their affects. I know I'll always have to hold a little something back for fear of scaring him with just how much I am capable of feeling, and how much of it is directed at him.

But I can never seem to help it. When I turn off my brain all I see is him. All I feel is love. My heart wants him, illogically, irrationally, indescribably. I've tried to make it stop - you all have watched me try and try. You've heard me list the reasons to wait and see or date other people, or whatever. You've heard me talk about how cold he can be sometimes to me. You've heard all the conflicting emotions. And I'm living them.

So I need to stop messing around. I need to make a choice. I know, not making a choice is a choice, and that's what I've been doing. I've been deciding to wait until May and see if he feels that way about me; if it could work. But I don't want to sit here and pine for someone who could or could not want me, all at his discretion. He could decide in May that he still doesn't know, and then where would I be? Waiting for this man to decide he wants me? Am I going to sit here while he dates other people? I couldn't take that. And that I know, now. I know that I couldn't sit by and watch while he loves someone else. I can't do that to myself.

I believe in soul mates, and I believe he's mine. So will it work out? Someday. It just has to. But what can I do in the meantime? If he's not ready? Well, the best thing to do is protect myself. I can't keep my heart out here on the sleeve where it's getting battered by his on/off attentiveness.

So I need to do it. I need to not type anymore or I'm going to cry, but I need to say it. I need to stop being friends with him until he can give me a yes or no. But that's not fair. How's he supposed to know unless I'm around? But how am I supposed to live like this? I need to know if he's going to pick me. What can I do?