Sigh.

I haven't slept yet. Granted, I did have a 3 1/2 hour conversation with Jennifer to keep me awake, but I decided it just wasn't worth going to sleep afterwards. I mean, all I'm going to do is lie there and be angsty, so I might as well sit here and type.

I've been all over the map tonight, but I think one thing is clear: change is on the horizon, again. I suppose 30 has been the year of changes, and it's still got almost 2 months to continue. Jesus, I don't even want to know what else could possibly change in my life.

But now the big change is my heart. I have decided I can't go on letting myself be deluded into thinking about Adam as a potential love affair. He and I are just friends, and so I'm going to start acting like it. What does it mean? I don't really know, yet. I'll have to play it by ear. But I do remember something....

I never was convinced he loved me in the first place. When we were dating I always thought it was a trick. And he definitely loved getting high more than me, because he would ditch me for a drink any time. I didn't notice it then, but I knew something wasn't right. When we broke up I had this incredible sense of relief. I know, it sounds awful, but I was so relieved I didn't have to be scared anymore that the person I was with didn't love me. I didn't have to love someone so much and always wonder. I could just be free to be me.

So why would I want that kind of love back? I can't figure it out, either, but again, the heart is a tricky thing. It's kind of freeing to give up again; to say ok, I'm done. You win. Now I can just focus on me and not have to care what's going on between his ears unless he calls and wants to talk about something. That's what friends do, right? Friends don't obsess.

I'm so sick of the obsessing and the obsession. Pining and moping, dreaming and thinking about it all the fucking time. So boring. Wow, what am I going to do with all my free time?