Let it slide

You say forget it, and you mean it. You think it through, rationalize, meditate, investigate, do all those things that make sense. You see it from different angles and perspectives. You see the outsiders viewpoint; you look at what your friends are telling you; you see the community input.

It's over. It's just not worth the struggle. It's fine, you think, you mean it, even. This is for the best. These things just happen like this. Life doesn't care what you think you want. And what is a want, really? Just a need overblown? Or not even a need. Do you really need this? Is this something you can't live without? Is it just a want?

It's ok to want. Wanting makes you human, but is it irrational? You tell yourself so. You think out loud that this is just silly and you're totally over it.

And then you sit down next to him at dinner and he pokes your knee and smiles. You can smell him: the way the soap mixes with his skin, and all you want to do is take in a deep breath. He touches your hand and you don't jump like you do to all other touch. In fact, you want more. He looks at you and you don't want him to look away.

He takes you home. The whole time all you can think of is there must be an excuse to stay longer; to linger a bit more in his presence. Instead, he brings up his ex girlfriend and you cringe inside. It's all a lie. The way he looks at you; can't stop touching you; it's all a lie. He doesn't mean it. Not the way you think, or want, or need. It's just him, being him, and you, being you.

So you go home, alone, and tell yourself it's all over. It doesn't matter anymore. You should just let it go. It's not that important anyway. But you're still breathing in deeply to smell his smell on your scarf and hoping somewhere deep down that he'll turn that car around.