Shit sucks

I've been reminded twice today that my birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. I'm not going to the look back yet, but boy what a year it's been. It was the best 6 months of my life in the beginning, and the worst past 6 months. I suppose there is yin and yang, good and bad, in all things, but man, what a ride.

My aunt and my therapist, Julie, both told me I have to stop saying everything is alright. I'm allowed to be upset, miserable, depressed. In fact, I probably should be. But I'm so used to being optimistic. I'm used to seeing the bright side of life. But shit sucks! Man, I'm about to be 31, living at home on a twin bed with all my stuff in storage, I lost my dog, I don't have my car but I'm still paying for it, I have one friend here that I see, and I'm not even dating. Shit sucks.

Here I go again. Well, if it sucks, Anne, what are we going to do about it? I'm going out with an old friend on Sunday and he just invited me to something next month, too. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow night with someone, but I don't think she remembers it's tomorrow. I'll have to call in the morning. I'd like to see her. So there, I'm hanging out with friends and getting out of the house.

I don't want to do anything else on the dating front because I don't know where I'll be living. Damn. I need to just do it. I need to just date. I'm scared, I guess. I've gained some weight back, which makes me feel self-conscious. And I don't have any of my cute shoes and dresses. They're all in storage. And I don't have somewhere to take a date should I want to take them home. Sigh.

I need to get it together. No wallowing in how much my life has changed this year. I need to move forward. Time to move on. Now how can I get out of here?

Change is fantastic

2010 = Change.

It all began on my birthday, really, not in January. Of course, that was only 2 months later. It began with a trip. I decided that in honor of the 30th year of my birth, I would take the time to treat myself. I gathered my resources and flew off to Europe to spend 2 weeks gallivanting around Switzerland, Austria, and Paris. I rented an apartment in Paris for a week and got to know the city in a way only a local can do. I got lost, I found treats, and I made sure to do all the touristy things I'd never done before. I walked the hell out of Paris.

By May I'd decided that alcohol was no longer a good influence on my life, and it had to go. I took that final step, and instead of drunkenly complaining about alcohol, I soberly took a pledge to stop drinking, and to seek help. I found the local AA meetings, got a sponsor, and started to take the steps seriously. I worked through the first 4, and gained a little serenity.

And then September. Oh, September. I lost my job. Fired, laid off, it's all the same. Whatever it was, it left me with a sense of relief, and yet a sense of pain and confusion. What a blow to the ego to lose your source of income and identification! What's the first question people ask? What do you do. And now I have to say: nothing. I job hunt. But again, a relief.

September also brought a big cross-country move, precipitated by the fact that I couldn't pay my rent without a job. I became a boomerang kid, and moved back in with my dad. I joined another group of statistics. It hasn't been bad - in fact, he's easy to live with.

In November I decided to gather another vice and throw it off the Anne train. Smoking had to go. After 15 years of half a pack a day, it was time to quit. And so I let go. I smoked my last cigarette on the 21st of November, and I haven't looked back.

It's the middle of December, and I've had over 10 interviews for new jobs. Will 2010 bring about another move and a new job, or will that be 2011? Whatever happens, 2010 will still be the best year of my life.

It's not what you think it is

It's interesting, the phrase "you have another thing coming" actually is "you have another think coming." Which means:

"To have 'another think coming' is to be greatly mistaken. The phrase is usually spoken by an antagonist as 'you have another think coming'; the implication being that one will shortly be obliged to adopt a different viewpoint, either by the presentation of indisputable evidence, or by force."

I think that's really big in AA. It's time to change when you join the parade of sobriety. You can't keep on going with your old life like nothing has happened. So you have another think coming, meaning you have to change your views.

It's hard to see where you can change, at first. I know I'm having trouble thinking of what has to change, besides my impatience and my reliance on my own self-will for everything. I suppose in your first year that's enough to change.

All you have to change...

All you have to change is everything about your life. Memory plays a huge effect on relapse, and when you put yourself in situations where you can be triggered, you will be more likely to relapse.

"Many brain imaging studies, using positron emission tomography, show that cues like viewing drug paraphernalia are enough by themselves to activate memory circuits and unleash drug craving. Where you are and what you are doing when you use a drug like cocaine is inextricably linked with the high. And these associations are stored not just in your conscious memory, but also in memory circuits outside your awareness.

This kind of pathologic learning lies at the heart of compulsive drug use. Long after someone has apparently kicked the habit, long after withdrawal symptoms subside, the individual is vulnerable to these deeply encoded unconscious associations that can set off a craving, seemingly out of the blue."

That's why AA asks you to get away from the old habits, the old haunts. It makes it easier to not crave your drug of choice when you're not in the same old positions. It's easy for things like don't go to a bar, but what about the regular memories? What about having a glass of wine with dinner? You're not going to skip dinner, right? I think in situations like that you can do little things: change your seat at the table. What worked for me for the first week was to put Snapple in a wine glass. I felt like I was indulging, and it helped me move on to doing something different. It gave me the memory of Snapple instead of wine, and makes me laugh now instead of crave.

And that's why they tell you you may have to lose your friends. A lot of us built relationships around booze. Luckily, I haven't had that problem. It seems like I've had solid friendships all along. But some don't have this luxury. So all you have to change is everything.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Serenity is what I'm looking for. That acceptance of things as they are: living in the present and not the future. There are many things one can't change. You can't change the state of the world. You can't change the way the sun moves across the sky. You can't change other people or their reactions to situations. You can influence only yourself and your own reactions - sometimes you can't even control that.

Courage. God grant me the courage to get through every day and to surrender to this program with all my might.

Ah, the wisdom to know the difference. Again, control. It's time for me to give up control. Controlling my own life obviously wasn't working for me, now was it? So it's time to let something else have it.

Thanks Bill

From As Bill Sees It, page 115:

"The essence of all growth is a willingness to change for the better and then an unremitting willingness to shoulder whatever responsibility this entails."

I have always had a willingness to change. I'm not someone who has to sit on something in order to make a decision. I see change, and I grab it. I can see the possibilities and look to the future. I saw a life in another state and reached out for that life line. I saw that becoming sober was the way to go, and I grabbed it. I take my punches and have no regrets.

This also has its downsides. As I think I've mentioned before, I have no patience. I want to change NOW. I can't wait for the glories and consequences of change - it's what makes life worth living. The excitement of something new and different. Perhaps I'm a little ADD.

This program is slowing me down. I'm listening to people and to my own Higher Power, and trying to relax. I should just title this blog "Relax, Damnit."

So when they tell you not to make any changes in the first year, I balked (thanks Adam, now I always think "Bawk" when they say it). No change? I can't quit my job, or move, or get into a relationship? Nope. Well then, what the hell am I supposed to do with myself?

I suppose a big part of my program will be learning how to be ok in the moment and enjoy the things I do have. I have a job, and that's awesome. I actually don't want to move, though everyone else hates my dark basement apartment. And relationships? Well, I can wait.

Let's all live in the moment together. Just breathe and appreciate all you have. It's still ok to dream about the future - what is faith without works, after all? You still have to build that house where God can live, so living in the moment doesn't mean you can avoid change or not think about the future. But for just this second, be grateful for all you have now.