It's only for the willing

"AA never suggests you do anything you're not willing to do. If we're not willing, that's what we work on first."

Mr. Sponsorpants was answering emails today and said this to someone. Willingness. I know that is a huge part of AA, and a huge part of anything. If you are going to get anything accomplished, you have to be willing. Willing to try, willing to do, etc.

When I first joined AA I was willing. I was willing to go to meetings every day; in fact, I enjoyed it. I was willing to really think through the steps and read everything I could on them, conference approved literature or not. I was willing to get a sponsor and listen to her advice. I had willingness up the wazoo.

And now? Why am I not willing to listen to my sponsor? I think I just don't respect her. Not that she's a bad person, or stupid, or anything, but I just don't know if she has enough life experience to be telling anyone else to do anything. I know I need a new sponsor.

And why haven't I gone to meetings every day? I'm willing, yes, I just keep getting distracted by interviews or other obligations, and by the time I can pull my head up, it's 8 and my only option is the 8:30 meeting in the next town. Just thinking about going drains me. It's not a far drive, or even bad parking, but it's the fact of getting up, driving there, etc. that just gets me. I'm lazy once I've had dinner. I settle in to the couch and don't want to leave. Part of it is that being social so late keeps me up at night, but look, it's midnight and I'm up anyway. I could have hit the meeting and still accomplished the nothing that I've accomplished anyway.

So where did my willingness go? Has the shine worn off AA? Is it just because I don't like AA here as much as I did there? It is very different. I'm beginning to think it's the sponsor. I really need to just break up with her. AA shouldn't be something you have to force yourself to do, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to like her.