A manic ramble

I'm still up, trying to stop myself from posting on Facebook or embarrassing myself in any way. All I want to do is scream, or run in circles, or do SOMETHING. I want to call people, or drive somewhere, talk to someone, freak out, call my doctor, call my sponsor, call my man. But it's 6 am and I've been awake since 10am yesterday, and I've had too much caffeine, and I'm manic, and I'm CRAZY and I have to go to work in 20 minutes. And then school. And my man will be there, to see me in all my crazy ass glory - fully developed mania and caffeine induced shakes. And I want a DRINK because it will make this stop, but I know, KNOW, it will make it worse. I will lose everything if I drink. I have to fight my mind and my ancient alcoholic urges to hide and self-medicate and fix things and just give it up to God. His will be my own. To see me in this state is to see me as I am sometimes, and hopefully God won't let me fail or make an ass of myself. As long as I don't speak in class and just get the hell out of there as soon as possible... I need to call my doctor again. Not having meds is unacceptable and dangerous. I need to find a sponsor and call her. I need, I need. I need to ramble a bit more on here. It's like I'm getting the energy out in my fingertips and it's soothing....

I hate mania! I hate that it has gotten this far! It's not even a productive mania! I can't read, I can't write my paper, I'm just frazzled and shaking and full of racing thoughts. I don't even know if I should take my Abilify or if that will make it worse.... FUCK FUCK I hate this. Breathe....

Officially manic

That is all.

That took forever!

I finally made it to a meeting today. In fact, I made it to two. I hadn't been in a month, since I came back from up north. I guess that's almost 2 months, now. It felt great to go, and I really needed that boost.

I'm at 16 months, now! Thank God for sobriety. But I need to put my program first, or I'll lose everything it's given me. So I'm building in meeting times to my schedule. Wish me luck!

To suffer is human

Money problems solved

Apparently in order to get my money from unemployment, they had to send it to Bank of America, who sent it Western Union to PO Boxes, Etc, who gave it to me, so I could deposit it back into Bank of America. That makes NO sense what-so-ever, but at least I have my money now. Still no loan check yet, so no payment on the credit cards, but I've got enough to pay my car bill. Whew! I was wondering where that money was going to come from.

I've been wanting to get drunk lately. Not really, but wanting a way to relax at the end of the night and wind down. I still don't know how to do that without food or drink. I should really buy a headlamp and go for a run. Or go on the treadmill. But after standing all day, that's the last thing I want to do. All I want to do is sleep!

Check still not here

I just had to borrow money. I hate that. But I was down to $.75 in my checking account, and 0 in my savings. So I borrowed $200 to get me through till whenever my money shows up. Still no unemployment or loan refund. I'm waiting on a hell of a lot of money... And none of it ever appears. I need at least $600 to pay my bills this month since my credit card payments are really high. Once I pay them off, I'll need $400 a month to make my bills. Maybe $500. I can do that working, I hope. I'm going to get paid on Mondays for one job, and Fridays for another, so I think it should all work out. Who the hell knows. I hate this.

I went from making enough money to go to Europe to not making enough money to send a postcard to Europe. Damnit.

ARGH

I'm so fucking frustrated today! I just called unemployment, and they sent my last check on Monday. Which means it must have gone to Michael instead of here because I haven't even seen the ones before that! They owe me about $7,000, which is out there in the mail somewhere. I'm broke, damnit! I need that money to get me through this semester, and even through the week! ARGH.

This whole process has been nothing but a giant pain in my ass. I'm thankful for the money, but it almost hasn't been worth it. I'm writing a nasty letter to the head of EDD as soon as I figure out who it is.

Mail snails

Why does the mail take so freaking long? Something mailed from one town over should get here the next day, right? Whatever. I'm just impatient. I know this. My refund check from school should be coming, and I want to pay off my credit cards. It will feel so good to do so. I can't wait! My refund is exactly $.75 short of what I owe. I think I can cover that.

I'm also waiting, not patiently, for my check from unemployment. It's been forever, and I've received notices that they have taken taxes out, but no money. I'm very frustrated, as I'm living off my last $300. I don't have the money to do anything, from gas up my car to buy groceries. Sigh.

So I'm frustrated at the mail, hoping that it's the post office and not the incompetence of EDD, which it usually is. They are going to get a nasty letter once I'm done with them. They have been nothing but rude and late. You would think that as a service organization they might have better customer service.

I should probably get some sleep instead of focusing on the mail. Which isn't going to come, because it's Sunday.

Little girl lost

Am I manic or is my sleep schedule just off? Am I depressed or just stressed out about this decision to go back to school? I think it's just stress, really. I can't sleep during the night, but I take naps all day. I don't know what it is. Maybe the night driving really screwed me up. Who knows. Could be anything.

I am awake, though, and done with my online shopping. I checked out school and the requirements for my masters again and found a class I was supposed to sign up for but didn't know about. I just signed up and emailed the professor that I can't make the first day of class because I have to work. It's, of course, scheduled for all the three days I thought I didn't have classes and could work, so now my work schedule is going to be screwy. I hope they don't fire me. I just can't open the store anymore. But I can work from 10:30am on, so that should be ok. I hope.

The other two jobs haven't started yet, and it seems like one is going to be funny. They keep rescheduling, so I don't think they are going to want to work when it's snowy, either. I bet it's going to be really random whether I will work or not. I hate random. I like a schedule. But it looks like my life is going to be random for the next few years. I don't know what any of it will look like.

I'm meeting with my adviser on Monday to discuss my path. I hope he can give me some more insight into what I should be doing. I'm a little lost right now.

All things considered

I know, I know, all I do is complain lately, but I'm stressed out. I can't believe I went from making $50k to $19k a year. It's stressful! So what am I doing? Shopping. I have a little left on my credit cards, and so I'm buying pretty dresses and necklaces to make myself feel better. I know it's stupid, but I can't seem to help myself. I lie awake all night, and by 4am I'm online shopping again. At least I'll get some pretty things in the mail that will make me feel happy.

And I'm supposed to get a refund from my graduate loan any day now, which will pay off both cards completely. I'm still waiting for unemployment to pay me, and that seems to be taking forever, so I'm cash poor right now. Luckily all my bills are paid till the middle of September. I like paying things ahead of time.

My unemployment runs out this month, so it's lucky I got (3) a job. We get paid every Friday, which will be nice, and I'm exempt from taxes because I live in a state other than where I'm working. I think one of my jobs might be under the table, too, which will be nice. That will cover exactly nothing (maybe transportation costs), but that's ok. I think that job will be fun and relaxing.

I have orientation today, and I'm still awake. I can't sleep. Damnit. Stress.

The horoscope speaks

Playing the popular game of 'hard to get' is not the smartest strategy for you today. Actually, game playing in general is not advised in life: It causes way too much confusion and is inherently disrespectful to the other person. If you want to be part of someone's life, you need to be up front. Don't get caught up in which one of you is making the first move -- all you should be focusing on is establishing communications. So swallow your pride and do what it takes.

Stats

Fascinating. So I was making $21k this year? Sure didn't feel like it.

Living at home is tricky

My dad just caught me smoking again. He didn't say anything, but I know he saw me out on the porch. Damnit. I know he knows I started again, but I hate that he "knows." Poop.

I don't think the week before grad school starts is any time to quit smoking, and I doubt I'll do it any time during grad school. I'll be living here until at least next summer, so I don't know what to do. When it snows and I have no reason to be outside, he'll just have to put up with me. I'm hiding the damn tattoos, at least he can tolerate me smoking... right? I'm a horrible houseguest.

Teeth

I hate cavities, but I think I have one right down in front on one of my bottom teeth. It kind of hurts (I was poking at it). I haven't been to the dentist in an year and a half because I didn't have dental insurance. So, I bit the bullet and spent my last $300 on student dental insurance. It should cover a filling or two.

I wonder what my co-pay is for a filling. I should probably make an appointment soon, but I just don't have any money left. Maybe my dad would cover it as an early Christmas gift. God, that's pathetic.

Thanks Post Secret

Michael

Michael is trying to "break up" with me again. He says our relationship makes him feel angsty. I can imagine. He wants to be with me, and up until a few weeks ago I thought I was moving back out there. I think we were both thinking we would give it another go and see how things went, and then I got into grad school and decided to stay. He's a little mad about that. And rightfully so. The situation just changed so fast.

But I don't feel guilty. This is what I've always wanted, and now's my chance for it. I feel like I would really regret it if I missed this opportunity. And plus, I don't really care about getting married or having kids. If it happens, cool, if not, whatever. No biggie. I think that's what he really wanted to see happen.

But what can I do?

FML

What in the hell did I sign myself up for? I'm going to be reading and writing for the next few years on theology. This is good, though, cause I was reading it for pleasure anyway. Might as well get graded on it... Right?

But man am I nervous. School is daunting. There's so much to do and so much to prepare for, but I'm not sure what to do next. I need to find housing, but I don't have to cause it's ok if I stay here; I just don't want to. I can't find housing till I get my loan refund, which will be in September.

I'm really nervous about starting work, too. I got a retail job, which is awesome because I get great discounts and it's nice and mindless, but the shock of making $50,000 a year to $9 an hour is amazing. It's kind of an ego blow as well as a pocket blow. I was looking at my resume and I built up from this, and now I'm back? What the hell? I feel almost defeated at the fact that I'm back in retail.

But here I am. A working girl again.

Stressa

Augustine. I know nothing about him, really, except that he was a saint, or is a saint, from the BC era. I know he wrote confessions, because I've heard of them, and I own the book, but I've never read it. And now I need to know Augustine. Shit.

I suppose I have a month before my paper is due, but the syllabus assumes we've read him, or at least know something of him. I need to do some research, apparently. Which is stressing me out. I got one syllabus today and it's just crazy talk.

But I guess this is what grad school is: crazy talk.

I hate EDD

Unemployment called today, and of course I was not near my phone. So I called back and got 4 rude people before someone who could actually help me. He just said, "Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with your claim. We didn't send you the right forms. We sent them now." So, all this time fighting for my back pay and worrying about it for NOTHING. Sigh. And I still haven't been paid in months. I'm sure now that I'm changing addresses next week something will go wrong again. I'm so frustrated with them. It's just kind of ridiculous how rude and inefficient they are! I should write the governor a letter...

So that's been my morning.

Scheduled panic

My schedule for the next 4 months is insane. School Tues, Thurs, Fri. Farmer's markets Thu, Sun. Field hockey all Sat. And then I have to fit a retail job in there somewhere on Mon and Weds. I'll have no time to myself, cause any down time will be spent studying. It's good, though. Keeping busy is a big plus. And working three jobs is ok, cause two are low key. But I'm still panicking.

But hey, guess what's cool? I don't want to drink! I have no urge to get loaded whatsoever. I am chain smoking, though, but I suppose that's normal for stress and a smoker. It supposedly relieves stress by altering the chemicals in your brain. Who knows.