Actionable steps

"Action: When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?"

2010 has been all about action: taking actions to make myself a better person. Quitting drinking, quitting smoking, unexpectedly getting the time to think about my next career move, reconnecting with old friends, traveling, moving cities, and all the while staying sane. It's been one hell of a year. Now, here I sit, unemployed, 30, and living in my dad's house. I'm part of the boomerang generation. But you know what? It's great! I've got a clean slate. I'm starting 2011 with everything in my past, and a blank slate for today.

So what's my next action?

I think the obvious thing is: get a job. Why? Well, I can't live here forever. I suppose I could, but I don't want to. I want to redesign my life, and I need a job to do that. I would like to find a career, though. I'm sick of being at jobs I hate. I'd like to find a real job, with real potential to be a long term gig.

Again, what's my next action?

I've networked my butt off lately, and applied for close to 200 jobs all across the coast. I'm looking all over, at businesses big and small, inside my current field and out. It seems a wide net, but I've been careful to only apply to those that sound like they would be interesting. I usually just apply to things that seem like I could do them, which is where I think I've been going wrong.

My next action: relax.

Does that seem counter-intuitive? I don't think it is. I've worked so hard to find work, that I think I need to let myself live it up a little. I've been using all my free time to job hunt, network, interview, or hone my skills. I think it's time to enjoy my unemployment a little. I was able to do that some while across the States, but it took the form of shopping, which we all know is a killer for an unemployed chicka. So how do I relax? I usually do it by travel, but again, the money isn't there.

So how do I relax? More apt, how do I relax without drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes? You tell me!

It's only for the willing

"AA never suggests you do anything you're not willing to do. If we're not willing, that's what we work on first."

Mr. Sponsorpants was answering emails today and said this to someone. Willingness. I know that is a huge part of AA, and a huge part of anything. If you are going to get anything accomplished, you have to be willing. Willing to try, willing to do, etc.

When I first joined AA I was willing. I was willing to go to meetings every day; in fact, I enjoyed it. I was willing to really think through the steps and read everything I could on them, conference approved literature or not. I was willing to get a sponsor and listen to her advice. I had willingness up the wazoo.

And now? Why am I not willing to listen to my sponsor? I think I just don't respect her. Not that she's a bad person, or stupid, or anything, but I just don't know if she has enough life experience to be telling anyone else to do anything. I know I need a new sponsor.

And why haven't I gone to meetings every day? I'm willing, yes, I just keep getting distracted by interviews or other obligations, and by the time I can pull my head up, it's 8 and my only option is the 8:30 meeting in the next town. Just thinking about going drains me. It's not a far drive, or even bad parking, but it's the fact of getting up, driving there, etc. that just gets me. I'm lazy once I've had dinner. I settle in to the couch and don't want to leave. Part of it is that being social so late keeps me up at night, but look, it's midnight and I'm up anyway. I could have hit the meeting and still accomplished the nothing that I've accomplished anyway.

So where did my willingness go? Has the shine worn off AA? Is it just because I don't like AA here as much as I did there? It is very different. I'm beginning to think it's the sponsor. I really need to just break up with her. AA shouldn't be something you have to force yourself to do, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to like her.

Stop talking about it and do it

Thanks to Guinevere over on Guinevere Gets Sober for turning me on to Reverb10. "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next." I am woefully behind, but I'm going to start with yesterday's prompt: what are 11 things my life doesn't need in 2011.

I can not believe it's almost 2011, by the way. I think in 2010 I've been able to get rid of a hell of a lot so far. It's been the year of shedding bad vices and pulling myself into a new way of life. So what else can I shed? What else can I get rid of?

1. Diet Coke. That's right, I can rid myself of one more addiction. Will I do it? Tune in....

2. Laziness. How in the hell is that possible! I have to figure out why I'm so lazy, first, which leads me to....

3. Procrastination.

4. Clothes. I have a Loft addiction, and my closet is bursting with price tags from new clothes. I don't have a lot of closet space, and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to put things (no dresser space), so it's time to purge.

5. Lying. I've got to stop lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. Jesus, this is like a fourth step list now!

6. All of these things seem to be in the "addict behavior" category. My addictions, like diet Coke and shopping. My behaviors like lying, procrastinating, being lazy, and impulsive. Doing stuff under the radar and doing things I know I shouldn't, like sleeping with Michael and talking about getting married just for the health insurance. All these things are old behaviors I really need to get rid of.

All of these things I can rid myself of, but all in a year? I suppose that's where AA comes in. Actually DOING my fourth step instead of stopping mid-stream and ignoring it for a while. So maybe that's my end of year resolution: do my fourth step.

I eat dirt

They always say, "things were better/different then." I know my dad talks a lot about simpler times, and how kids used to just wake up and go outside to find something to do. Kids would just play with sticks and dirt, sometimes getting it under their fingers and into their mouths. Kids were always covered in mud. At least, I was. And now, it may be that the mud was good for us.

"Rates of depression in younger people have steadily grown to outnumber rates of depression in the older populations and researchers think it may be because of a loss of healthy bacteria."

Kids now a days (now I sound old) are just sitting around inside playing Wii, using the internet, and texting their friends instead of going outside and making up games. Besides being couch bound, which is horrible for your health, it makes them less able to protect themselves from depression because they don't get that dirt!

So send your kids, and yourself, outside for a bit. Leave your wired world behind and make a fort. Get some dirt under your nails. Eat it.

I love my horoscope

I like this one:

"For Sunday, December 12 -If you sense something new coming today, you are correct -- right around the corner there is an opportunity coming that will challenge and excite you. Your instincts, as usual, are totally on target. This is just one more confirmation that you are taking the right path."

Oh! Something awesome this way comes, so says the horoscope. The more I'm looking at moving into the City, the more it looks pretty cool. I wouldn't mind another big city. I really like them, and this one also has great public transportation. I wouldn't mind selling my car and avoiding $400 a month in car and insurance fees. That's money towards a nicer apartment! Plus, my mom has officially dog-napped my dog, so I don't have those bills anymore. It's sad, because I do love the little bugger, but it does make life easier. I don't have to worry about him being home alone, because she's retired, and that makes me happy. He's loving life.

So I have this interview tomorrow. It's a big organization, so I'm hoping the pay scale is large, too. I don't know what I would ask for, because I'm not sure what the scale looks like there. I need to do a little research, first.

Thin brains

More on smoking: Smoking can thin the lining of the brain, which is already thinned by age. It can lead to cognitive problems and such, and they've found that the thinning takes place (for smokers) right in the part of the brain that deals with addictions.

"The orbitofrontal cortex has frequently been implicated in drug addiction. The current findings suggest that smoking-related cortical thinning may increase the risk for addictions, including smoking." All addictions? So if you have a thinner lining of your brain, are you more prone to addictions in general? I would love to know.

The next study they say they're going to do is look at whether quitting smoking repairs the lining. Now that would be nice.

Smoke a little smile off your face

Quitting smoking might make you happier. "Researchers tracked the symptoms of depression in people who were trying to quit and found that they were never happier than when they were being successful, for however long that was."

It's actually amazing, I haven't been depressed since I quit. Once the horrible snottiness wore off, I still didn't want a cigarette, and I still don't. It's been two weeks, and no signs of wanting to cut myself or anything like that. It's been relatively easy. I'm not sure why. Maybe quitting really does make you happy.....