Withdrawal is my only option

Shit. I just read the email from Canada Drugs (where I refilled my prescriptions) and they say the estimated arrival of my meds is Dec. 31. Today is the 19th. I've got about 3 days left on my Abilify, and a few more days on the Lamictal and Lexapro. So, of course, I'm looking up withdrawal symptoms.

"The most commonly reported withdrawal symptoms associated with this drug (Lamictal) are; irritability with rage and feelings of hostility so strong that the person fears they have lost of control of their emotions; loss of focus and confusion to the degree that their jobs are at risk and their lives are unmanageable; lethargy and exhaustion, and constant, debilitating migraine type headaches."

Of course there's more, but I won't mention the zapping feeling in your brain or suicidal thoughts. Abilify only makes you manic or depressed and an insomniac, all which I can handle, I think. Lexapro includes these things as well as irritability, anxiety, and a "burning feeling," though they don't say where.

So, next week should be interesting. I'm going to be horribly irritable and maybe get really manic or depressed. I think I should just stay in the house. My poor dad.

A grateful list

Whine, whine, whine! I'm whining a lot lately on here. It is my blog, damnit, and I'll whine if I want to, but I don't mean to be a downer. I think I'm a pretty optimistic person generally, and I really am thankful for all I have. So, a gratitude list:

I'm grateful:

That I got to go to Europe this year;
That I'm sober;
That I have a place to live and food to eat;
That I have a great family who love me;
That there was snow the other day;
That I have so many interviews;
For my friends, who also love me;
For the changing weather (I love the chill!);
For Sunday night football;
For warm cups of gingerbread coffee;
For my funny cousins.

There's a lot of stuff in my life to be grateful for. I'm so happy to have all these wonderful people in my life, and appreciate the support from all of them. Everyone has been so great and loving. I'm grateful I have storage for all my stuff, and the money to pay my bills, too! The world is alright.

Stress makes you fat

It's interesting to think that stress has anything to do with obesity, but then again, you do tend to overeat when stressed, or reach for the chocolate (or tons of booze).

They measured mice (poor mice) who ate on diets and then gained it back, and found that they had higher stress response levels. These mice were more likely to gain weight than regular peers if they "crash" dieted a few times. "It also suggests that management of stress during dieting may be key to achieving those goals."

Stress sure makes you eat a lot, but so do the holidays. Man are my pants tight. I've done nothing but eat since I moved home, and now everyone is having a party and I'm eating my way through them. I can't believe how much weight I've gained. It's really distressing (ahh, there's the stress) and I'm trying to be better, but I just can't resist cookies and cake. I love them so.

But I can't wait till after the holidays. I don't want to be buying new pants!!

A confession

So I have to admit to you, dear reader, I haven't been to an AA meeting since the week after Thanksgiving. Now, that's only about 2 weeks ago, but that's a long time in the AA world. And I don't have a sponsor to call and keep me on track. That's also a big no-no. I also haven't been running or doing much but sleeping and sitting on the computer. No wonder I'm depressed! So I think I need to switch things up.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading out for a run. I need to do 9 miles (which is going to hurt) to stay on track for my marathon training. I need to get on that, even though it's 36 degrees outside. I have the clothes for it, and I have a treadmill downstairs if I chicken out. There's no excuse.

And I should go to a meeting tonight, but I'm pretty sure I won't. Instead, I'll try to hit the noon meeting that's a block from here. I would have no excuse not to go, even if it snows.

So really, no excuses, I need to fit into my pants and fit back in the things that keep me sober. I need to start back again from the beginning and get back in line.

We're all alcoholics here

"Functional subtype: 19.5 percent of U.S. alcoholics. Typically middle-aged, well-educated, with stable jobs and families. About one-third have a multigenerational family history of alcoholism, about one-quarter had major depressive illness sometime in their lives, and nearly 50 percent were smokers."

Sounds like me! Now, AA would tell you there's no such thing as a functional alcoholic. We're all dysfunctional; we all have such problems that we just don't recognize them. But researchers found there were 5 subtypes of alcoholics, and "functional" was one of them.

I sure as hell have a multigenerational history of alcoholism. My great uncle was a severe alcoholic, and died from it. He was also a life-long smoker. There are rumors my grandma drank too much, but she died before I was born and my mom only says good things about her. My uncle is totally an alcoholic. Neither of my parents drink - in fact, I think I've seen my dad drink twice in my life. My mom has a sherry every now and again (and I mean like every few years) but she went through a heavy vodka phase during the divorce.

I always felt functional, and I never lost things like my home and my job. But I can guarantee you I was, and am, an alcoholic. So if you're out there and you're not sure, talk to someone. Go to an AA meeting and just listen. You might not be, but you might just get a life changing realization from it.

A little of that healing touch

So false pride became the reverse side of that ruinous coin marked "Fear." - 12 & 12

Reverb today asks: how would you like to be healed in 2011. Oh, how wouldn't I. I suppose doing my fourth step, I'll figure out more about what's wrong with me in the first place, but what I really want, what I'd like to see healed is my ego. Oh! How wrong of an alcoholic, and how typical, to say it. After all, they say ego gets in the way of our path to sobriety. Ego is what keeps us drinking. We have to rid ourselves of pride and ego in order to beat this thing back.

But I'd really like a little pride back. A little ego. Maybe I should just call it self-love, or being proud of oneself. That's what I really mean, after all. It's tough to be unemployed and think of yourself as anything but a loser, especially in this town. It's a busy town, where the first question people ask is, "So what do you do? Who do you work for?" And I have to say, I'm job hunting. I suppose I could lie and say I'm taking some time off or something, and I sure don't have to say I was fired, but I'm taking that situation by situation. Some days I'm feeling creative and say I work for the state, and some days I just say I'm unemployed.

I would like a little pride healed up, though. I took a really big blow this year, and as time passes the wound just gets salted with every unemployment check I receive. And how would that all work? Does having a job really mean you have self-worth? No. I know it doesn't, but sometimes logic doesn't win. Sometimes you just feel things, and I feel worthless without a job. I feel like my pride is nonexistent. I sleep and don't leave the house. I feel like I have nothing to share with anyone (though I keep typing to you, apparently).

So yeah, 2011, I'll take some pride.

Cranky pants

So it's the time of night when I get grouchy. It's part of the depression, really. I get cranky with everything. But come on, how f*&%ng long does it take to make up your mind whether or not I have a job, and to notify me! I interviewed with some people in early November and still haven't heard a yes or no! Any place that wouldn't keep me updated is a place I don't want to work.

The job I really want said they wouldn't get back to me till January. They're all on vacation till after the holidays, and so no one is even in the office. God damnit. I just want to know: do I have a job? Do I have to keep looking? Can I move?

I'm still looking. I've applied to 2 things just today (one of which I realized later that I messed up the cover letter - damn). But I hate that I can't get an apartment till I know where I'm working and have the money. I just want a place of my own! I just need to get the hell out of my childhood bed and get my stuff back. Grrrrr.