A call for help

Help.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow, and the doc appointment for meds on Thursday, but I know I feel crazy NOW, and that even new meds won't make me feel better for a while. I would take the Seroquel, but that is just going to make me a zombie and I have to work. I'm the only person here every morning till Feb when the boss gets back from overseas. There's no one I can call and have cover my shifts, or I would probably check myself into someplace right now. I've never been so close to picking up the phone and calling the white coats; raising the white flag. I'm done. I feel nuts. I'm itching out of my skin.

I don't want to kill myself. I want to hurt myself, though. It always makes me feel better to bleed. It gives me that nice, calm feeling. What else helps? Not being awake, but I don't have that choice. Drinking myself unconscious, but that's not going to help.

I want to call someone, but I don't know who or what they would do. Everyone I know is at work, and I can't leave work yet. And what would they do? Sit with me? I'm no fun right now, and I don't need a babysitter, yet. Could I call Emily? Why? So she can sit halfway across the States and worry about me? No. Adam. No. I don't want to lean on him too much. Diane? She's nuts, and she'd leave work to come hang out with me, but she's got a 3 year-old to manage. That's unfair. Though yesterday she asked me to hang out with her more. "I'm lonely, too," she said.

I have nothing to give right now. I'm a total mess. Should I call the doc and ask for an emergency appointment today? Maybe when I get off work I'll just go to the club and go to continuous meetings. They have them from 2pm -8:30pm tonight. I could just stay there and drink coffee. Then, I'm not alone or near knives, and I can bum smokes if it gets ridiculous.

The big question is: do I tell my dad? The man lives with me for Christ's sake, but I don't think he has a clue just how bad things are. No. No need to worry him.

I'm going to go upstairs when I get off at 1 and take the Seroquel. I won't be going to a meeting (cause it makes me too drowzy to drive) but at least I'll sleep.