What's in a name?

"By its very nature," Dr Phelps tells us, "bipolar disorder is a problem of cyclic changes in mood and energy."

Well, I'm not buzzing out of my skin today, I think thanks in part to the 2 days of Seroquel. I didn't take it today because I kind of want to be raw for tomorrows meeting with the doc. Is that silly? Probably. It's brought me to a nice, even level where I just want to kill myself and I'm having "pauses" in thought, instead of racing so much I can't gather a single thought.

I've been researching bipolar a lot today. I fit, and don't fit, a lot of the criteria. It's never taken over my life, I don't think. I've been out of control, but.... I was going to say never hurt anyone. I think that's a lie, though. I can get pretty physical, especially during blackouts or when I'm feeling high. My impulse control just lapses and I end up kicking people, so I hear. I used to smash stuff when I was a kid as anger management. Maybe I should go back to doing that.

I've been thinking, too, about all the crap I'm angry about. Deep down in there, there's one pissed off, rabid little spirit. Did I tell you all about the time I saw her? I was doing some meditation for therapy, and she was so scary I had a panic attack just looking at her. I had to have the therapist stop the session. I suppose at some point I'm going to have to deal with that, but I think being on meds makes it easy to just "chill."

I've come to acknowledge that I'm a pretty angry person. What's funny is I don't think anyone I know would ever use angry as a word to describe me. I don't get angry. I can remain calm in any situation. But being off meds, I'm angry at little stuff. It's all seeping to the top.

And I'm thinking a lot about bipolar. When I read stuff like Marya Hornbacher's "Madness" I can totally identify with the way she describes mania and depression, yet I've only been hospitalized once, and that was for a suicide attempt. I think I could probably fly under the radar if I wanted to. My emotions aren't "out there" for the world to see, I don't think. I can function in daily life.

Or is this functioning? Is talking yourself out of paranoid thoughts (last night I thought the shower drain could rip off my hand and I couldn't get close to it) normal? Is seeing things in the corner of your eye and getting panicked that they are ghosts and if you look at them they'll attack you, normal? Do I just have an over-active imagination?

Does it matter, then, if what I've got has a name? You bet it does. It's easier to handle something if you can name it. You can Google it and follow other bloggers, join the debates, and know where to go for help. If it's just life, and life is fucked up, then what? Then you're all alone.